The Essential Art of Releasing Shame

How to heal shame through self-forgiveness

“Shame is the lie someone told you about yourself.” — Anais Nin

The “commentary” nature of modern society weaves a myriad of falsehoods that blight our beliefs about the self and obstruct emotional wellness. This means that shame can be difficult to release if we are not aware of its existence.

However, releasing shame is paramount in our ability to forgive ourselves, forge healthy relationships, and improve overall well-being.

This doesn’t mean that we have to be perfect, but rather aware and compassionate toward ourselves and others.

What is shame?

Shame takes many forms and looks different for all of us, but, in my experience and research, it is a distressing feeling emerging from our awareness of unscrupulous or low-minded behavior, whether from ourselves or others.

It’s something of which we often aren’t aware.

Brene Brown writes, “Shame is neither helpful or productive. In fact, I think shame is much more likely to be the source of destructive, hurtful behavior than the solution or cure.” Source

Unlike guilt, the existence of shame isn’t dependent on a negative action. We believe something shameful about the self and berate ourselves for the weakness of our character and perceived flaws.

Shame tries to convince us that our very essence is not OK.

It is essentially a rejection of the self.

Shame is the antithesis of sustenance for the soul. Instead of building us up, it tears us down, while perpetuating the fallacy that no one else feels shame.

So how do we get rid of toxic shame?

Try these essential steps to dispel shame:

1. Start with self-compassion.

Compassion is the direct inverse of shame.

Self-compassion serves as a buffer that mitigates shame’s damaging effects. Without self-compassion, shame can lead us to act in ways that further reinforce a sense of self-abasement and degradation.

Behaviors such as perfectionism, low self-esteem, and inauthenticity all are rooted in shame-based beliefs, whereas self-compassion recognizes the common thread that unites us all: our humanity.

We intrinsically know that we all have what we perceive as imperfections, and that this is part of life. Self-compassion reminds us that these flaws don’t make us wrong or not enough; they make us human and interconnected with every soul that has and will exist.

Similarly, self-compassion doesn’t negate personal responsibility but rather liberates our psyches from a well-worn pattern of suffering and self-hatred, which makes it easier to forgive ourselves and discover the potential that lies within us all.

Eliminate self-criticism from your internal dialogue while remembering that you are not your thoughts. Thoughts may create feelings that in turn create actions, but they are not who you are.

Rekindle a deep bond with yourself spurred by endless kindness and compassion.

Practice self-compassion by treating and viewing yourself as a best friend. As a friend, accept yourself during failures, loss, and pain.

Take this a step further by writing a letter to yourself from this compassionate inner-friend. If you’re having a tough day, think about what a loving friend would say. Write it down, then read and re-read it to yourself, while relinquishing judgment and accepting your own love and compassion.

Here’s an example:

Dear self,

You are worthy, wise, and wonderful.

You are worthy of your own love. Just think about it. Through all of the struggles you’ve faced, the pain you’ve endured, the “mistakes” that other people said you made, all the times you were on your own, you survived.

You’ve fought for yourself and ultimately you won. You are better and stronger for it. You’ve become a more compassionate, loving being, regardless of your past. You are bold and brave, and everything you do in this world will because of the strength you’ve gained from your struggles. I am so proud of you.

I know you have so much love to give to others and to yourself. But remember to take the time to love yourself each day. Give to others, but also give to yourself. You matter. You are brighter than the sun, and you matter so much.

You, beautiful soul, deserve everything good in this world, and to experience everything you’ve ever dreamed of. You deserve to be free from the chains your body and mind have laid over you. You deserve to heal.

Say it over and over again until you mean it: I deserve to be loved, I deserve to be loved, I deserve to be loved.

You are worthy, wise, and wonderful.

Love, Yourself

2. Go further with self-forgiveness.

By the same token, self-forgiveness is a powerful way to remove and release the pain that we all carry from our human existence.

When we forgive ourselves, it’s easier to get back up after the inevitable hurdles of life so that we can forge on courageously.

Consider that when we forgive ourselves and release shame, more self-awareness and generosity of insight are simultaneously available to us.

We’re able to not only see ourselves through the lens of hope and love, but we are also able to accept ourselves and regard our positives and negatives balanced on the pendulum of life.

Self-forgiveness relies on a keen awareness of the self, so you might ask, “Is it necessary? Or why should I practice self-forgiveness?”

The reasons are plentiful, but among the most important is the fact that hurt people hurt others, and shame is by very definition painful.

If shame is buried and carried throughout a lifetime, it very likely will cause behaviors that are harmful and painful to others.

Shame and pain need somewhere to go and, even if unconsciously, end up being passed on through a myriad of negative actions, with the power to harm those whom we love the most.

To practice self-forgiveness, envision yourself as an innocent child, looking for love and emotional attachment.

Viewing yourself through a lens of unconditional compassion allows you to start finding real acceptance and growth.

Advance your capacity for self-forgiveness by writing a letter to your childhood-self detailing the ways that they are forgiven and loved unconditionally.

Life is full of challenges, and we all could use encouragement and support.

Acknowledge that you are doing the best that you can with the knowledge and emotional resources that you currently have.

Equally important, try asking yourself:

“How can I grow from this experience? What is this trying to teach me?”

Look beyond surface injustices to perceive an individualized takeaway that can spur greater growth and development.

Releasing shame allows us to glide upon the wings of perspective and manifest a future filled with self-love. By very nature, shame is contagious; however, so is self-forgiveness.

With love and gratitude, Aurora