The Essential 6-Step Narcissist Manual
Congratulations on your decision to handle a narcissist. Please read the manual carefully.
Welcome to the Narcissist Manual.
This guide will provide you with the skills needed to handle the treacherous waters of the ego — without getting wet.
First of all: Familiarize yourself with the specific model you’re dealing with.
Your narcissist comes with a unique set of parameters that can range from:
A) Mildly self-absorbed (thinks their Instagram feed is a gift to humanity)
to
B) Full-blown egomaniac (believes they’re the reincarnation of Leonardo da Vinci, but with better hair)
These parameters include, but are not limited to:
- Volume Control: Ranges from loud declarations of personal achievements in inappropriate settings (like announcing their latest job promotion at a funeral) to whispering self-praise in the hopes of being overheard and asked to elaborate.
- Attention Span: Directly proportional to the amount of attention they are receiving. Can vary from seconds to hours, depending on whether the conversation revolves around them or, heaven forbid, someone else.
- Selfie Capacity: The average narcissist can store up to 10,000 selfies, each slightly different from the last, yet all conveying the same message: „I am the center of the universe.“
- Compliment Absorption Rate: A critical parameter. Your narcissist can absorb compliments at a rate of 5 per minute, but efficiency decreases if the compliments are not sufficiently creative or delivered with the right amount of enthusiasm (see Step 1: Inflate the Ego Balloon to Exactly 77.3 dB).
Keeping the above parameters in mind, please follow the steps outlined below in their chronological order.
Step 1: Inflate the Ego Balloon to Exactly 77.3 dB
First, you must learn the art of ego inflation.
Think of the narcissist’s ego as a balloon.
Your goal is not to pop it but to inflate it to just the right size.
Compliments should be delivered at precisely 77.3 decibels – the exact volume of a purring cat mixed with the sound of a distant lawn mower.
The sound volume should communicate, “I hear you, and so does the neighbor’s dog.”
Step 2: Reflective Glory Technique – Become the Moon
If the narcissist is the sun, you must become the moon, reflecting their brilliance back at them.
Bear in mind, the moon has no light of its own; it only bathes in the glow of the sun.
Become an expert at phrases like, “I could never have done it without your [insert exaggerated skill here].”
This will keep their ego shining brightly, and let’s be honest, who doesn’t look better in moonlight?
Step 3: Master the Art of the Nod (15° Inclination)
When engaging in conversation, your nod should have a precise 15° inclination.
This subtle nod is scientifically proven to convey, „I am utterly fascinated by every word that escapes your lips, including ‘uh’ and ‘um’.“
It’s the nod equivalent of a standing ovation at a high school talent show.
Step 4: Deploy the Zucchini of Admiration
Imagine for a moment that admiration is a zucchini.
Yes, a zucchini.
Now, imagine handing a zucchini to the narcissist as a token of your esteem.
In this scenario, compliments are your zucchinis.
Be generous but not wasteful. You wouldn’t want to give out so many zucchinis that they start questioning the sincerity of your garden’s produce.
Step 5: The Whisper Technique – 23.8 Hz of Sycophancy
Whispers are mysterious and intimate.
When whispering praise, aim for a frequency of 23.8 Hz, the exact resonance of a secret worth hearing.
This frequency is low enough to be intriguing, yet high enough to not be mistaken for a creepy breeze.
Whispered words like, “Your insight is unparalleled in this conference room,” will make them feel like they’re the protagonist in a spy novel where the secret to world domination is their latest blog post.
Step 6: Leave Them Wanting More
Finally — and don’t act surprised — knowing when to walk away is key.
Like a magician disappearing in a puff of smoke, your exit should leave them in awe and slightly confused.
This ensures they will seek you out for another hit of admiration, much like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Aim to disappear with the grace of a gazelle that just realized it wandered into a lion’s TED Talk.
That’s it. Now you’re equipped with the necessary tools to handle any model of narcissist. Should you have any additional questions, please consult our research report:
