The Epiphany Fire

And coming out of depression

Setting the bar too high was something Stephanie had always done. It was her way of pushing herself for ever greater success. Experiencing successes brought her more happiness than anything. Experiencing failures was profoundly devastating to her. She felt like a ping-pong ball being paddled back and forth, back and forth, between the highs of success and the gut-wrenching lows of failure.

This behavior began in childhood when Stephanie’s father constantly urged her to challenge herself. “Never settle. Never give up,” he would say. “Bronze and silver are for losers. The gold is all that matters.”

Two indelible childhood memories plagued her well into adulthood. One was of the time she won first place in the barrel-racing championship at the county rodeo. There was a photograph taken of her smiling father with his arm around her as she proudly held her giant trophy. Her father had the photo framed and put it in the most prominent position on the mantle in the living room where it still sat so many years later.

The other memory was of the subsequent state championship. As she was saddling and grooming her horse a nearby sound spooked the horse and it stepped on her foot, breaking it. Despite the searing pain Stephanie still made her run. It was her worst performance ever and she was immediately eliminated. There were no photographs taken. Her father barely spoke to her over the next month. He did not even sign her cast.

After leaving home she experienced a good deal of success, first in college where she graduated with honors then at her job where she quickly climbed the corporate ladder. But sprinkled in all her successes were occasional failures, each of which sent her spiraling into a debilitating depression that often lasted for weeks.

In her early thirties Stephanie met Clint and fell in love. It seemed like a picture-perfect relationship. Clint was so happy all the time and he treated her like royalty. She was experiencing a lot of success at the time and her happiness was magnified being with Clint. Their love-making was extraordinary.

Clint was very laid back and seemed happy no matter what. This was surprising to Stephanie in light of what he told her about his childhood. Clint had a mother who was extremely demanding, constantly pushing him to succeed and scolding him severely when he did not live up to his potential. Clint felt that he had a horrible childhood and as an adult on his own he very rarely ever spoke to his mother. And he never pushed himself very hard.

The relationship was still very strong after the first year but Stephanie began noticing more of what she considered his flaws. Though he was passionate, he lacked ambition. He never went for the gold. He seemed to avoid success in favor of simply enjoying himself. While he was always very supportive of her — he was her biggest cheerleader — he never seemed to cheer himself on. His apparent happiness seemed rooted in complacency. She became convinced that he would never achieve meaningful success.

Then, after a long period of nothing but success, Stephanie experienced a resounding failure. At her job she was expecting a promotion but was passed over for someone else. She was utterly convinced that she would get the promotion — she had worked so hard for it — and was dumbfounded by not getting it. She immediately fell into a deep depression.

Her relationship with Clint suffered greatly by this. He had never seen her depressed before. He gave her the space she needed but not the encouragement she wanted. He became distant — and so did she.

Stephanie took a week off from work and spent that week moping in her apartment. She did not shower or wash her hair and she wore the same sweatpants and t-shirt the entire week. She slept a lot and started drinking.

Clint stopped coming by and they both stopped texting each other. It was near the end of that week that Clint finally came by unannounced. It did not take long before they got into a fight.

“How ya doin’? I’ve been worried about you.”

“Really? Is that why you’ve been avoiding me? Instead of comforting me and encouraging me to get back on the horse you just avoid me and go out with the guys?”

“Hey, I know about depression. I’ve been there and I don’t like it. For me, any kind of encouragement only made matters worse. Back when I experienced depression I just wanted to be left alone so I was giving you the space to process things. It kind of scares me. I’ve never seen you like this. I didn’t want to make it worse or get sucked into it.”

“Well now you know. I get depressed when I experience failure. I’m a horrible rotten person. I can’t just shrug it off like you do. I need to be held. I need to be talked to. I need to be encouraged. Your avoidance only made it worse.”

“I’m sorry. I guess depression is very different for each of us.”

“You know what, Clint? WE are very different. While you’re Mr. Happy-go-lucky, I’m a very serious person. Unlike you, I set the bar really high for myself. I have goals. I want to be successful. Unlike you, I have ambition. And yes, failure hits me hard but that’s no reason to avoid me. Yes, failure gets me depressed but with love and encourage I always come out of it. You turned your back on me.”

“You know what you can do with that bar?” He paused. “You can… you can just throw it away. If your happiness depends on success and reaching lofty goals then you don’t know what happiness is. And you’re setting yourself up for repeated failure and repeated depression. And I don’t want to get sucked into that. I threw my bar away a long time ago and now I choose happiness over some freaking gold medal.”

“Happiness? Really? You’re telling me you’re happy just hanging out with no goals, no ambition, no direction in life? You feel good about yourself not ever achieving anything? Not ever living up to your potential?”

Clint froze. He stared at Stephanie for a very long moment then very quietly and calmly he spoke the last words he would ever speak to her, “I love you Steph but you obviously need a daddy and I am not going to be your daddy. And you sure as hell are not going to be my mother. That’s not the kind of relationship I want.” With this he turned and left the apartment.

Already depressed, it would make sense that the failure of her relationship with Clint would only send her deeper into that depression but that is not what happened. Stephanie spent the rest of her week off from work thinking about what had been said and found herself rising up out of the depression.

Finally, she went to her dresser and pulled out her little wooden box of keepsakes. In it was a small copy of that photograph of her and her father with that big barrel-racing trophy. She took the photo to the kitchen where she turned on the gas stove and set the photograph on fire, dropping it into the kitchen sink to burn away and turn to ash.

It was her way of throwing away the bar. It was her way of choosing happiness.

Copyright by White Feather. All Rights Reserved. This is a work of fiction. Stories by White Feather