The Endless Quest for Self-Improvement Does Not Make You More or Less Worthy of Love

You are now and have always been worthy

Having a growth mindset is important.

It makes us better people, which helps to make us better partners in romantic relationships. Self-awareness, accountability, and empathy are all essential aspects of the growth process.

But some days, I am tired of learning the hard way. I am exhausted by the constant character development I’ve been experiencing. I want to stop working so hard and finally reap some clear and obvious rewards for all the effort I’ve made to come so far — because sometimes, I look ahead and can only see how far I still have to go.

Sometimes, the personal growth and dating industry pushes a narrative that the objective of self-improvement is to increase our worthiness for love. If we only get just a little bit better, we’ll be worthy of a better partner, right?

Only that line of thought isn’t just complete and total bullsh*t — it’s toxic. Because we are now and have always been worthy of love.

Worthiness for love is not the point of growth.

In fact, reaching any perceived objective is not necessarily the point of growth. The point is the process. People are always saying that it’s the journey that matters, not the destination, and yet, we are all destination-driven.

We don’t just get in the car and start driving with no end goal in mind — not with these fuel costs. We don’t go for a walk and not consider the direction.

We’re people of purpose who want the journey to end somewhere, preferably somewhere we can anticipate. We don’t like feeling or being lost. We don’t enjoy uncertainty. We’re human beings filled with human feelings, and we need to feel like what we’re doing has a point, a purpose, and — yes — a destination.

For many of us, when we start a self-improvement project, there’s a reason.

Sometimes, that reason is because we want to improve our chances for love. Sometimes, the reason is we’ve just lost love and we’re out to improve ourselves out of grief or spite — either of which are valid reasons to make some changes.

We want to reach a goal weight or an athletic achievement. We aren’t just getting better for the sake of it most of the time.

The truth is that we need motivation. We need the why that will drive us to improve.

But sometimes, we are so focused on the why that we don’t honor the path that takes us there. We don’t savor the in-between time before a goal is reached. In fact, we just keep moving the markers, stretching out the objectives so that we never truly reach them.

I’ve been guilty of this so many times in my life.

I reach one goal only to set another.

I am endlessly achieving, and it took a long time to see how early trauma influenced this behavior. I’ve spent a lifetime achieving because somewhere in childhood I decided that it would earn the love I didn’t feel I had.

If I could just be good enough, the thing I most needed would be mine. Love, acceptance, a sense of belonging, and approval. There were so many things I needed, so I set an impossible list of objectives and lived my life doing little more than meeting one goal before focusing on the next.

I didn’t often enjoy the journey, and if I was learning, it wasn’t always the right lesson. I got a lot done, but I look back and wish I’d done it all a little differently.

I wish I’d gone to class to learn something new and not just to get the grade that would eventually earn me the degree I needed to reach my next goal.

I wish I’d spent less time in relationships working so hard to earn love and more time looking for partners who made me feel loved and accepted without that endless effort.

I wish I’d infused more joy into the journey and that I had stopped along the way to celebrate a single achievement before eyeing the next.

I can do none of that now. I can’t go back and change what was. What I can do is approach self-improvement differently moving forward.

It’s not about earning love. It’s not about achieving acceptance or approval. Every lesson learned isn’t a punishment for not having learned it earlier. Every obstacle is not a personal attack by the Universe. Every personal growth moment doesn’t make me any more or less worthy of love and belonging.

If I need a why, it’s this: I want my impact to matter.

I want to be a person whose life made the lives of others a little better instead of worse. And I want to please and honor the person I’ll spend my whole life with — which is, and always has been myself.

I want to parent in a way that teaches my children healthier ways to live. I don’t mean purely in a physical sense. I want them to learn to regulate their emotions, to have healthy relationships, and to be loved as well as they love.

I want to break toxic generational cycles and teach them a better way of being. I want them to feel loved from their first breath to their last — by me, by the people they allow in their lives, and by themselves most of all.

I do think personal improvement makes us better partners, but I also know that it’s not the reason to grow. Growth for the sake of others is never as strong or as pure as growth that has an internal motivation.

I don’t learn the lessons so I might update my relationship status. I learned the lessons because I’ve been through enough unhealthy relationships to finally understand that loving ourselves also means breaking the cycles that hurt us.

I don’t choose partners who would intentionally hurt me.

I don’t find red flags attractive now that I’ve addressed my own. I keep trying to be a better person because I know that it makes my life better — and frankly, it makes the lives of those around us better when we are self-aware, kind, and compassionate. It improves the quality of our lives, but it doesn’t necessarily guarantee a particular destination.

It’s not about earning an end result.

Instead, it’s about living well and finding joy wherever we can. It’s about loving the people in our lives well and surrounding ourselves with people who see our intrinsic value and treat us with respect, love, and kindness.

I can’t help but set goals. Like I said, we are destination-driven.

But I can ensure I’m not living purely for the end result. I can make sure that I am intentional in what I do and that I don’t overlook the learning experience just to make the grade. I can learn to rest when I need it rather than endlessly striving and treat myself and others with kindness along the journey because we’re not all starting from the same place or walking the same path.

Becoming better human beings makes the world better.

It makes it a little kinder and more compassionate. It won’t take an aching world and immediately transform it into a peaceful one, but it won’t make it any worse either.

I look ahead and know that I have further to go. At least, I do if I’m lucky.

But for now, at this moment, the length of my life is not the point. Nor are the achievements I might make in my time here.

Rather, the point is that time is passing, and we can choose to make it count. Instead of resenting the journey for being difficult at times, we can find a place of grace and gratitude. We can embrace the knowledge that the world heals a little bit more every time that we do. Maybe that’s the only why we need.