The Emotional Neglect Epidemic Facing Men Across The Country
Could women be to blame for the reason why men don’t seek emotional support?
I remember when my friend Brig hit us up during a moment of arguments with his then-wife. Brig was the explosively wild, happy-go-lucky tweaker who we all know and love. I wrote about him before, but this is not about the abusive side of his relationship.
At one point, Brig was dealing with some serious emotional problems in his own mind. He has PTSD and other issues. Eventually, he decided to open up to his girl. Almost immediately, she ended up getting angry or upset for him — to the point that he had to comfort her.
His problems? His venting? Oh yeah, it didn’t happen. He ended up spending the entire night trying to explain himself, defend himself, and cuddle his lady, who somehow made it about her.
People, I think it’s time to talk about this.
In the past, I wrote a lot about how men *really* aren’t handling dating well.
If you've been a reader for a while, you already know that I’ve written about women leaving the dating scene because men have started to behave terribly with them. I’ve written about men lashing out at women, men insulting women as a way to convince them to date, and more.
It’s true. We have a problem with how men are struggling. It’s a big issue that seriously impacts the dating scene. Are women struggling with singledom? Not so much. Studies show single, childfree women are the happiest and healthiest demographic out there.
One major issue keeps coming up when I discuss this matter: social support. Women make a point of having deep social connections with others. Men, though, do not typically invest as much time or effort in getting connections. This, as it turns out, is a very multifaceted problem.
Men need to stop telling other men to “stop bitching.”
One of the key differences between a typical man and a typical woman is their social network. Girls are encouraged to share feelings from a very young age. Crying is okay in society’s eyes if you’re a girl. Some people will even go so far as to swoop in and cheer you up.
If you’re born a boy? Well, the saying “boys don’t cry” says it all, doesn’t it? Guys often admonish younger men for showing hurt feelings. If you’re a man who’s sensitive, chances are high that you’ve gotten flak over it.
This society-wide treatment left a lot of guys feeling cornered. They’re expected to be these strong, stolid, borderline emotionless bastions of stoicism, but that is not healthy nor possible.
Women cannot shoulder all the burden of men’s issues alone. As a society, we need to make it acceptable for guys to say, “I feel lost about what to do, I am alone, and I could really use someone in my corner to talk things out with.”
However, it’s not just a “guy on guy” issue…
One thing that took me for surprise was how frequently men note that they felt alone in their relationship. As my friend Brig said, “I give her so much support, but if I voice my issues or worries, I know I won’t get that same support back.”
In other words, Brig felt like he was gaslit by his girl when it came to his own emotions. He also was a guy who often felt like he couldn’t talk about his problems because he would be judged or have it waved off with, “Man up!”
Honestly, he’s not the first guy who’s mentioned this issue to me. From what I can see, it often feels like being a man means that you have to be everyone’s support — even when it will not be returned in kind.
If guys mention that they feel alone, most women will mock them and say, “Oh, boo hoo! Man tears!” This is true, even when the guy has a legitimate complaint, such as a dead bedroom or emotional abuse..
It also gets worse when you add misconstrued emotions into the mix.
Women are not mind readers, even if they think they are. In some cases, women misconstrue what’s going on in their partner’s mind. Then, they’ll ask why he’s angry when he’s not.
Guess what happens if he says he's not angry or is “thinking about nothing.” Yep. You guessed it. A girl who doesn’t believe him and got pissed about lying. One could say it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.
This leads to a lot of men in toxic relationships, often with the side effect of feeling like they have to walk on eggshells or put on a mask.
The end result is an emotional neglect epidemic throughout the country that mostly affects men.
Being a man often is an isolating experience, but as a guy, you often don't feel right admitting that to people. It often feels like people only like you for what you do for them or what your status is. It sucks!
It’s also an experience that carries a lot of judgment, with little reason aside from the fact that you’re a guy. And when you can’t even talk about your issues with your partner, it feels like the ultimate betrayal.
When you are constantly told your needs don’t matter and feel like your emotions are neglected, you lose your ability to talk about your feelings constructively. Worse, your feelings can come out in bizarre, unhealthy ways.
To a point, it shouldn’t surprise anyone that men are increasingly dying from deaths of despair. I’d be despairing too if I had no one to talk to.
Men, here’s what I would suggest you do…
- Guys, support other guys. Be the guyfriend who listens to other men when they say they are not okay. Talk to them. Lift them up. Don’t just point to a fishing rod and ask if your buddy wants to take their mind off things. Ask if they need a distraction, a pair of ears, or a solution.
- Don’t be afraid of therapy. Therapy is amazing for people who feel like they’ve been stunted emotionally.
- Talk to your partner once in a while. Don’t spill your guts, but at least give her a heads up of what you’re dealing with. Learn to talk to her and learn when to vent. This will make your relationship so much better.
- Never stay with a partner who you cannot talk to about your emotions. An emotionally unsupportive or neglectful partner is a bad parter, period. You might not realize it, but there absolutely are women out there who will be in your corner and act as a personal cheerleader.
- Have time for yourself where you just let out all your emotions. This can be done through a number of ways — therapy, artwork, or even just sitting in your car and crying it out. Either way, it needs to be let out.
- Remember that your feelings are valid. Seriously, say it over and over again. Tell people that. And if they still say that you’re not allowed to hurt over it, cut them out of your life. You don’t need people who don’t accept the fact that you can hurt.
- Realize that it takes more strength to love and grieve than it does to have no emotions at all. Anyone who says that strong men don’t cry is full of shit. Your emotions are what make you human.
