The Elusive INFJ Woman

There’s a Very Slim Chance You’ve Met One

Chances are slim that you know an INFJ woman. They tend to be somewhat reclusive, and are not going to be trying to get your attention out in public. They are more the wall-flower type, studying others from a distance, or just going about their day with their head down, focused on what they are doing. Their downtime is not spent out and about with others, but home (or out in the backwoods)— preferably alone. It’s not that they don’t like people, they but they tend to give a lot of themselves to others and need plenty of alone time to recharge.

INFJ individuals comprise only 1–3% of people worldwide, and approximately half are women. INFJ is the rarest of the 16 Myers-Briggs personality types. Myers-Briggs dissects how different personalities are wired.

The Myers-Briggs basics, taken from The Myers-Briggs Foundation, are:

Favourite world: Do you prefer to focus on the outer world or on your own inner world? This is called Extraversion (E) or Introversion (I).

Information: Do you prefer to focus on the basic information you take in, or do you prefer to interpret and add meaning? This is called Sensing (S) or Intuition (N).

Decisions: When making decisions, do you prefer to first look at logic and consistency or first look at the people and special circumstances? This is called Thinking (T) or Feeling (F).

Structure: In dealing with the outside world, do you prefer to get things decided or do you prefer to stay open to new information and options? This is called Judging (J) or Perceiving (P).

What Does INFJ Stand For?

The Psychology Junkie sums it up well:

I = Introversion. “I focus inwards before outwards, analyzing what things mean to me before responding to the environment.” N = iNtuition. “I focus more on the abstract or potential of something than the concrete or existing reality.” F = Feeling. “I look to my personal values and inner empathy in order to make a decision. I want what is best for the group or humanity as a whole.” J = Judgment. “I like having things settled, decided and structured. I consider myself a work-before-play person.”

How is an INFJ Wired?

Introverted Intuition, or “Ni,” is the Dominant Function of the INFJ and is the perceiving function, meaning how one understands and gathers information. INFJs search for patterns, can see the big picture and can read subtle body language instantaneously. I can’t always tell you how I know what I know, but I will always follow my gut, even when it may seem crazy to others. Some may see this ability as being psychic, especially when combined with Extroverted Feeling (see below).

The Auxillary Function of INFJs, or our second most preferred mental process, is Extroverted Feeling, or “Fe.” It means we can feel the emotions of others, which often override our own emotions. No, our feelings do not get highjacked, but we tend to put those of others above our own and are better at deciphering those of others, probably because we tend to ignore ours to create harmony with others. Absorbing the moods or emotions of others can be confusing at times because the INFJ can’t find a logical reason for feeling the way they do. It takes a lot of self-awareness to decipher between one’s emotions and those of others. As a child, it can be traumatizing. It can take a long time to learn others don’t process situations the way they do.

Introverted Thinking, or “Ti,” is the third-preferred mental process of the INFJ. It isn’t often developed until the late 20s or 30s but is then used in more creative ways and for applying logic to what we access from our other mental processes. We can get focused on a project for extended periods of time as long as we can invoke our creativity into it.

Extroverted Sensing (Se) is our least conscious mental process. It is about staying present in the moment and taking in details and actions in their environment. INFJs are more about being in their heads. This contributes to being easily overstimulated. Time in nature helps relieve this; at least, it does for me.

As an INFJ woman, I can tell you I don’t fit anywhere, but you might overlook that. We can seem like chameleons (a mirroring response), shifting our behaviour to the situation and keeping cool in emotional environments. We can read a room, a crowd, or an individual with uncanny precision and adapt to them if we so choose. (Introverted Intuition). But the probability of finding one of us in a group setting, at a party, or in the mall during the Christmas shopping season would be an unusual sighting. INFJs hate crowds — we find them exhausting. We can be overstimulated quite quickly; we can’t filter out everything coming at us or going on around us. (Inferior Sensing). I would often drink to tune out/blur all the input coming at me. But this would sometimes backfire on me, especially if others were drinking. Guards would drop, and my empathic abilities would allow me to get up into others’ deep dark places, and I would inadvertently tell them something about them that I shouldn’t know. I’m already socially awkward, and this can make it more so. I read somewhere that INFJs need help understanding conversational boundaries. I asked one of my adult daughters what conversational boundaries are. She rolled her eyes at me and said if I didn’t know what they were by now, there was no helping me.

As I’ve gotten older, I avoid crowds (like the mall at Christmas), never attend concerts or the like, and need to prepare myself for family gatherings, even though I enjoy them. Flying is another stress-filled no-no in my book. I am not flying off to some beach or grand event. A vacation for me is a stack of books and a lawn chair under a tree with someone else doing the cooking, thank you very much. Everyone can just leave me alone. INFJs avoid being the centre of attention or trying to get any attention, for that matter. We would rather watch from the peripheries, taking everything in from a distance, allowing for some buffer space. We don’t need to “belong.” We are usually loners and are okay with that. Alone time gives us a chance to recharge our batteries.

We don’t dress like everyone else and don’t behave the way others expect us to. It was my birthday, so my husband took me to the bar, where we met some friends. One friend bought me a shot, but I was not too fond of shots, so I refused it. A stranger nearby started chanting, “Loser! Loser! Do the shot!” Perplexed, I turned to him and asked, “What makes you think I give a rat’s ass what you think of me?” He was speechless after that. INFJs cannot be bullied into compromising their integrity. We aren’t concerned with fitting in.

Why am I so uncomfortable in social settings? Because I suck at small talk. And INFJs can feel other people’s emotions, which can seem invasive to some, validating to others and exhausting to the INFJ. (Extroverted Feeling). I also can see two people when I meet them, the mask they put on for the world and their true selves. I find it highly irritating when these two faces differ radically; I can’t help but call them out on their bullshit. This never goes well, so I’ve learned to shut my mouth. Other times, I know they are just making small talk to distract themselves and are suffering silently but do not want to share. I either have to pretend I have no clue or try to get them to talk it out. Strangers stop me on the street or in grocery stores to tell me their life stories.

Making decisions can be difficult for an INFJ because we can see a situation from both sides or can see multiple ways to solve a problem. (Introverted Thinking). Planning our new house was torture for my husband because I needed time to “see” ideas from different angles before making a decision. It always takes time for me to make up my mind, and then I second guess myself.

The world shutting down didn’t change my life much. I practiced social distancing for years before. I hermit well. (I honestly don’t know how I managed to survive raising four daughters in a 1–1/2 bath house.) I’m always up for critter sitting my daughters’ pets and livestock because it gives me genuine alone time. As I write this, I am hermiting in my youngest daughter’s basement suite 2 hours from home, enjoying not seeing or having to talk to anyone. An INFJ woman needs to know that spending time with you is worth sacrificing her alone time, because she tends to put everyone else before herself. If you ever meet an INFJ woman, she will perplex you. You will not know how to take her. Just know that honesty is her guiding light, that she will likely “get” you better than most people, and not care much about superficial things that preoccupy many others.

But chances are slim you will ever meet one.

A poem that sums up what an INFJ is…

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