The Eight Celebrities I Most Hope Aren’t Super Racist in Real Life

At some point in time, I imagine we’ve all had at least one “Say it ain’t so” moment where we found ourselves genuinely disappointed by something a celebrity did or said. It’s practically an inevitable part of growing up, as when you idolize people you don’t actually know, you’re all but guaranteed to be let down at some point along the way. One day you’re singing along to their latest party anthem, the next they’re getting arrested for assault. One day they’re co-starring in the greatest comedic film trilogy of all time, the next they’re leading a low-speed police chase throughout Southern California, the prime suspect in a grizzly double homicide. Sure that last example’s a bit extreme (Back to the Future is probably the stronger trilogy top-to-bottom, if I had to choose), but the point remains: Just because you love watching them work, and just because they’re great at their jobs, doesn’t mean they’re great people.

For that very reason, whenever I start to really enjoy a White entertainer’s work and/or public persona these days, I almost reflexively find myself saying, “I sure hope they’re not racist.” After all, it’s fun to root for people, and you’d hate to discover that someone you enjoy actually hates you, or at least would hate you if they were aware of your existence.

Want to read this story later? Save it in Journal.

From Mel Gibson’s 2010 outburst to the 2015 leak of Hulk Hogan’s slur-spewing commentary, countless stars have taken significant PR hits after they got caught popping off with some wildly racist nonsense. I grew up watching Hulk Hogan, so I guess his track was a little more disappointing, but by the time it dropped, I was more than old enough to be able to distinguish the “Say your prayers and take your vitamins” American icon from the guy named Terry who’d been hired to play him some 30 years prior. If I’d heard Hogan dropping N-bombs back in 1987 or so, that would’ve been a completely different story, my tears flowing like the mighty Mississippi as I looked up from my pillow and shouted “I saw him hanging out with Junkyard Dog on their Saturday morning cartoon, are you telling me their rapport was fraudulent?!” at my sympathetic parents.

As for Mel Gibson, I’ve actually only seen two of his movies in my entire life, so even though his interviews made him appear to be a fun guy, his recording simply made me shrug, assume he was actually a terrible person and go about my day. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t great to hear the things he said, but Mel Gibson never meant anything to me either way — when it came to celebrities whose racism would’ve hurt my feelings, he was nowhere close to cracking the list.

Who is on that list, you say? Well, I’m glad you asked. Here, in no particular order, is the 2021 edition of my Phillip Drummond Memorial List of Celebrities I Hope Aren’t Super Racist in Real Life.

Note: Just to clarify, this is not a list of people who are “Invited to the cookout,” as the saying goes, or a list of people whose racism would be incredibly troubling for one reason or another (i.e, they have a Black spouse, child, etc). The only qualifying factor to make this list is my own level of hypothetical disappointment in hearing of their racism, and to be fair, my reaction would probably be something like “Aw man, that stinks.”)

1. Tom Hanks

I initially considered calling this the “Celebrities (other than Tom Hanks of course)” list at first, so let’s go ahead and get him out of the way. Despite Bill Cosby’s baffling assertion to the contrary, Tom Hanks has unofficially owned the “America’s Dad” title for years, a role he fully embraced in a 2016 episode of Saturday Night Live where he began the night by changing into a cardigan, sitting America down and giving us all a fatherly speech about our changing times and demographics. Right after the commercial break, he played a contestant on the most clever “Black Jeopardy” sketch to date, his MAGA enthusiast “Doug” finding the shared unexpected common ground on a host of topics ranging from skinny women to a fundamental distrust of the federal government, his Black co-stars enthusiastically supporting his belief that the iPhone’s fingerprint technology was “how they get ya.” On a largely unrelated note, while most racists I’ve found myself around haven’t been the angry, expletive-spewing kind, the high vocal register Hanks deploys when he yells doesn’t seem like it would lend itself to bigoted rage all that easily, which is one of the main reasons I think playing a Klan leader or a Nazi would be extremely difficult for him to pull off. It’s the same problem stopping Jerry Seinfeld. Well, it’s one of the problems stopping Jerry Seinfeld.

2. Tony Hawk

Not only does the skateboarding icon just seem like a really nice guy, Hawk’s signature video game series has occupied a significant chunk of my life, and to think I that spent my days stringing together Indy 540s and 360 varial McTwists while pretending to be some laid-back, high-flying bigot would be a tremendous disappointment; those hundreds of hours spent playing video games would start to feel like a massive waste of time. Furthermore, his video game soundtracks mixed artists like The Ramones with KRS-One, Motorhead with Redman, and Dead Kennedys with De La Soul, all of which kind of makes him the musical equivalent of coach Herman Boone forcing his Black and White football players to bunk together in Remember the Titans.

Back in 2020, the University of Southern California published a study demonstrating that skateboarding can help “build communities across backgrounds,” a study the New York Times featured in an article titled, “How Skateboarding Can Help Fight Racism.” You know who funded this study? You guessed it, the Tony Hawk Foundation. Actually, there’s a great chance you didn’t guess that, because, if you’re like me, you didn’t know the Tony Hawk Foundation was a thing. Now that we both know that it is, in fact, a thing, imagine a man helping the world view skateboarding as an inclusive activity while simultaneously seething inside at that very notion.

Many people find race to be an especially difficult subject to tackle, but Tony Hawk isn’t afraid to jump right in. In fact, here’s his take on being murdered in a race war:

As you’d imagine, this response has created a legion of loyal twitter users of color who have dedicated themselves to protecting Tony Hawk when it all goes down, some even drawing up potential race-draft trades to get him on the Black squad before it’s too late (no agreement has been reached as of yet).

If you’ve ever got some free time, head on over to Twitter and check out Tony Hawk’s race war mentions; the man is constantly being bombarded by new followers pledging their service. Imagine waking up every day to 50 new twitter notifications and they’re all just random people specifically saying they’re not going to kill you.

3. Hayley Williams

I’ve never heard a Paramore song I didn’t enjoy, but I’ve also only heard about five Paramore songs, so my life definitely would keep on ticking either way with this news. That said, this isn’t specifically about me, rather the large Black fan base that Williams’ band Paramore attracted through the years without making any sort of oddly specific attempts to do so. “Black people love Paramore” has joined “Dominicans love eating spaghetti at the beach” as one of my new favorite racial stereotypes, and celebrities ranging from Lil Uzi Vert to wide receiver DK Metcalf have chimed in to express their love for the band. I took to Reddit to learn more about this connection, and in one of the numerous threads you can find when searching “Black people love Paramore,” Redditor “MrPresident2050” captured the sentiment accordingly:

“Reading these comments have made me realize there was a whole world out there with people like me. I literally thought I was the only black man in the world who has listened to Paramore. I didn’t let anyone know this cause I wasn’t trying to get my black card taken away. I was already almost booted out of the club for liking to read. Also almost kicked out for talking proper. But hello my fellow black people. Anyone listen to Florence and the machine?”

Further, Redditor “RealityLeave” summed it all up by saying:

“There are loads of undercover black alt kids and somehow we all think we’re the only one until we start participating in internet forums lol.”

You can make people want to sing or dance to your music, but Hayley Williams made a whole bunch of people feel like they weren’t alone, and that’s a beautiful thing. Also, I know she’s no longer co-signing the lyrical content (and I completely understand and appreciate that) but man, “Misery Business” still goes hard. And “Still Into You?” Whew, don’t get me started. Hold on, is every Paramore song amazing? I think it’s time to stop ignoring my heritage and start digging into their catalog.

4. Mark-Paul Gosselaar

With Hulk Hogan long since exiled, it would sure be nice to hang on to at least one blond superhero from my childhood. Oh I’m sorry, was Zack Morris not a superhero? Not only did he have that never-addressed ability to pause time, he excelled as a singer, rock guitarist, SAT-taker and cross-country runner without ever practicing any of those things. Wait, did he pause time and then go off and practice, sort of like a “Groundhog Day” situation? I’m getting way off track here, and it doesn’t actually matter either way, because my disappointment would have little to do with the Saved by the Bell character and would mainly be about Gosselaar himself. From 2016’s Pitch, 2019’s The Passage and his current sitcom Mixed-ish, Mark-Paul has spent the bulk of his post-Franklin and Bash life playing supporting roles in network television projects with young Black women in the lead. I don’t know if it would be more offensive or just plain weird if some die-hard racist kept taking projects where he teamed up with Black women, but I do know that I don’t want to have to spend any time thinking about it. Also, the ensuing fallout would force Mixed-ish to be recast or cancelled, and that would be a shame, because it’s a delightful ’80s comedy from the creator of Black-ish. You should watch it sometime. The writing is sharp, the actors are incredibly well-cast, and I feel like they’re going to cancel it in the very near future unless some of you step up for your old (hopefully non-racist) pal Mark-Paul.

5. Kyle Chandler & Connie Britton

You know how the last entry was primarily about Mark-Paul Gosselaar himself, not a character he played? Well this one is pretty much the exact opposite. Don’t get me wrong, these two are tremendous actors, and I’ve enjoyed their work in everything from Early Edition to American Horror Story, respectively, but here’s what it pretty much comes down to: I really just need Eric and Tami Taylor, aka “Coach” and “Mrs. Coach” from Friday Night Lights to not be racists. That’s it, I just do. I can’t have the man who looked into the eyes of star quarterback Vince Howard (aka Michael B. Jordan) and said “You may never know how proud I am of you” getting outed as a filthy rotten bigot, I just can’t. Eric Taylor was that young man’s father when his biological didn’t bother, and I won’t stand for that kind of betrayal. Yes, I know Friday Night Lights was technically a “television show,” and therefore technically “not real,” but I’m also not emotionally prepared for it to be totally fake, either, if that makes sense. Just please don’t be racists, y’all.

6. Keanu Reeves

First of all, I know anything’s possible, but having a name that means “cool breeze over the mountains” and being a racist just feel like they shouldn’t go together. Second, Keanu Reeves is on this list because I really want to see how this John Wick series is going to wrap up, and I feel like I’d probably stop watching if something terrible came out about him, but I’d also be mad at myself about how long it’d take to decide for sure. I’m really enjoying those movies, and I’d appreciate it if he didn’t put me in that kind of position.

Oh no, and what about Reeves’ 2001 movie Hardball? After Friday Night Lights, can we really let young Michael B. Jordan be let down in hindsight by yet another racist coach? He’s going to stop playing sports altogether if all his coaches end up being racists, which is a real shame because he’s going to be Adonis Creed (By the way, since we’re taking inventory, how sure are we about Stallone, anybody got a good read there?) for at least one more Creed movie, and at 33 years old, you’d figure he’s got at least one more sports movie franchise to be great in (if he so chooses) before they start to become too unrealistic for him to pull off. I assume somebody named Michael Jordan doesn’t want to play a professional basketball player unless he’s really good at basketball, so I’m rooting for hockey, bull riding or auto racing.

7. Michael McDonald

I feel like we’re probably in the clear since he didn’t press charges when he caught Rerun bootlegging his concert on that episode of What’s Happening!! back in the day, but I still want to state for the record that I’d be incredibly hurt by this development. A super racist Michael McDonald, man of not one, but two Motown cover albums, would be a musical bigot Trojan horse the likes of which we’ve never seen — just an unprecedented security breach of the highest level. Patti Labelle’s “On my Own” was originally intended to be a solo record (hence the name, I suppose) and she personally invited McDonald to join her on the track. The song stayed on top of the Billboard charts for three weeks, and was the biggest single in either of their careers, so it’d be great if Michael could show a little gratitude by not being racist. While we’re at it, don’t forget his Grammy-winning “Yah Mo B There” with James Ingram, or his 1986 hit “Sweet Freedom,” which he sang by himself, but did so for the Billy Crystal/Gregory Hines movie Running Scared. Mel Gibson already tainted his interracial buddy-cop movie, we can’t have some silky-smooth yacht-rockin’ bigot dragging down another one. As you can see, there’s a lot of moving pieces if this guy goes down, so let’s just keep our fingers crossed.

8. Paul Rudd

Everybody’s having so much fun appreciating Paul Rudd these days, I just don’t want to be left out. Life’s already hard enough as is, beefing with Paul Rudd would be like having a dairy allergy and still going out for ice cream with your friends — while everyone else is smiling and laughing and having a wonderful time, you’re being torn apart from the inside and just trying to make it through your day.

And I’m not just talking about me here, America as a whole is far too fragile right now to handle Paul Rudd dropping some Hulk Hogan or Mel Gibson-level racism into the timeline. Over the past year in particular, we’ve spent a great deal of time discussing race, racism, and what it truly means to be an ally. If the rest of his personality remained the same, how racist do you think Paul Rudd would have to be for America to turn on him? Are we honestly ready to draw that line and see who stands on which side? I don’t think so.

Others receiving votes: Chris Evans, Chris Hemsworth, Jenna Fischer, Dave Grohl, musician siblings Este, Alana and Danielle Haim (in that order), Ethan Hawke and three-time NBA All-Star “Thunder” Dan Majerle.

📝 Save this story in Journal.