The Effects of Growing Up in a Dysfunctional Home

Kids end up emotionally scarred, and it affects their adulthood.

A home is supposed to be a place of love, peace, safety, and comfort for the child. When conflicts and misbehavior become a norm in the home, it creates a toxic environment for the child. A toxic home makes the child prone to adverse childhood experiences that impact the rest of their life.

I talked to some friends who shared their experiences and how growing up in dysfunctional homes affected them.

Ayo’s Story: It affected my view of marriage

Growing up, my mum always yelled at my dad for one thing or the other. She escalated every situation! My siblings and I had this “Mummy is yelling” signal within ourselves. Anytime the yelling started downstairs, one person gave the signal, and we withdrew to our rooms. We would turn on the tv so loud so we wouldn’t hear her.

“Wole, you didn’t call the mechanic!”, “Wole, you are too lazy. You didn’t fix the generator!”, “Wole, do you want the whole house to burn down before you fix the oven?!”

She always complained about stuff, always called him names. It was not a nice experience growing up!

On the other hand, my dad was a very calm person — too calm if you ask me. Sometimes I wished he could shut her up. She was super controlling and abusive. I was so grateful when I moved out of the house for my University education. I barely returned home for the holidays. I didn’t want to be in that environment.

This affected my view of relationships and marriage. Once my partner nags or shouts for even the slightest thing, I break off the relationship. My longest relationship was 3 months. I want peace and happiness in my life. I don’t want someone yelling at me all the time.

Julia’s Story: It affected my self-esteem

My dad lost his job when I was 8 years old, and things became really hard for my family. We moved to a cheaper and smaller apartment; I changed schools because he couldn’t afford my private school fees, and many other adjustments we had to make. I think the fact that he couldn’t provide financially for us, in the way he wanted to, affected him. He became a totally different person.

Gradually my dad became a tyrant and bully. He flogged and yelled at me at every opportunity. He would take money from my mum’s shop and finish it in the beer parlor. Whenever my mum complained, he would beat her to stupor. She was almost always in tears. She gave excuses for him. In her words, we had to be careful not to annoy him as he was going through a trying time. This trying time never ended till I moved out of the house.

As a result of walking on eggshells in my house, trying not to offend my dad, I became a people pleaser. I go out of my way to please people, so they don’t get offended, even if it means displeasing myself. I’ve been in relationships where I lost myself trying to be what my partner wants. I’m working on it, though, thanks to my friends. I’m working on getting my self-esteem back.

Ugo’s Story: It affected my social behavior negatively

My parents never ceased to embarrass me while growing up. We were the family that neighbors came to their home in the middle of the night to separate fight. The whole neighborhood knew Aunty Joy (my mum) and Uncle Chidi’s (my dad) story. It was not a hidden gossip. The Reverend father even came to our house often just to check on my parents and their issues.

They destroyed my reputation in my school, church, neighborhood — everywhere. They argued and quarreled everywhere. It was as if they were so into their quarrels that they forgot where they were. One time, they argued at a PTA meeting in my school — I’m not even sure why they both came that day. I avoided school for two days; I didn’t want to deal with weird looks from teachers and students. It was evident that my parents couldn’t stand each other, but because the bible says “God hates divorce”, they stayed together.

I was too embarrassed to make friends. I felt everyone made fun of my family and me. I was an only child also, so I had no sibling to share my predicament with. I became a withdrawn and very defensive person. I didn’t want to talk to anybody, and I didn’t want anyone talking to me. I guess I was too scared of anyone saying what they thought of my family to my face.

Up till now, I still have issues making friends and creating relationships. I always feel too ashamed, even when there’s no reason to be. There’s this nagging feeling that I’ll be judged and gossiped about.

Laide’s Story: It made me very self-conscious.

My dad was a photographer. He worked with many slim-shaped models — his definition of “sexy”. My mum was also a model and actress when he met her, but she retired when she got married. My dad asked her to. According to him, he didn’t want his wife putting herself out there.

After childbirth, my mum put on some weight and wasn’t as slim as she used to be. My dad continually complained about her weight. Soon it became verbal abuse.

“Lola, why are you eating at this time? Pity your stomach, for christ’s sake.”, “Look at the amount of food you finished. Later you will wonder why you’re this fat.”

He never stopped talking about her weight, how she had become too fat. One time, my mum told him of her intention to return to the movie industry. He laughed at her and said, “Who will agree to audition you? Except for fat motherly roles, maybe.”

The worst thing was that he made those snide comments in front of my siblings and me. This made me way too self-conscious and insecure about my body. I grew up thinking that a person was either slim or they don’t fit into the world. The weighing scale is my best friend. I can’t even begin to say the things I have done just to stay slim. It’s a miracle I’m not anorexic — at least I hope I’m not.

If conflicts between you and your partner have become a norm in your home, change it — fix it. Sometimes, fixing it may also involve giving yourselves some space. I’ve heard many people say, “I’ll manage the situation and stay because of the kids”. This only ends up creating a harmful and toxic environment for your kids.

It’s not about staying together; it’s about how happy you are together. Happy parents create happy and healthy homes.

Thanks for reading.