BEDTIME STORIES
The Eating (Anything!) Contest
Kids don’t you dare try this at home or anywhere for that matter
Well, hello everyone out there in Mediumland.
It’s hammer time, er, um, it’s storytime, sorry MC, my bad.
Uncle Mike, MLB, or the Chiller from Canterbury (seriously I used to live on a street named Canterbury … but that’s a different story for a different time).
So grab a hot chocolate … What! It’s summertime, Mike!
Okay, okay, grab something cold, whatevs.
My personal favorite is ice tea lemonade. Of course, all that caffeine will keep you awake, and you will make you pee the bed (again, another story for another time).
Anyway … your bedtime story. Here goes.
Oh, we went out to eat, and did we ever eat (Shhh … spoiler alert, dumb ass)
So, our three friends and three spouses decide to go out to dinner at Claim Jumper.
The food arrives and the heapings are in total Fred Flinstone portions.
Yabba Dabba do!
And, boy (or girl) are we ever hungry?
Hungry like the wolf.
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, Jackson Browne shouts, “We don’t need no education.”
Why is Jackson Brown quoting Pink Floyd lyrics????
Let’s get ready to rumble, er, um, gobble
Oops, Jackson didn’t yell anything of the sort. Instead, he suggested, “Let’s all have an eating contest.”
“Eating contests?” Barney Rubble responded. “Go on, Jackson. You’ve piqued my interest.”
“Well, we’re all highly competitive, sophisticated, and we all ordered large ribs, mashed potatoes, and asparagus. So the winner is whoever licks their plate the cleanest.”
COMMERCIAL BREAK: When the green poley-veggie with the Bert-like top is swallowed, the asparagusic acid gets broken down into sulfur-containing mush and goo. And sulfur tends to contain a nasty-ass smell or stench. When taking a whiz, the sulfur byproducts evaporate magically — kazam! — creating a most unpleasant scent.
Making Augustus Gloop freaking proud, but we didn’t start slurping a chocolate river like in the movie
Oh, and did Maverick (that’s me, kids), Jackson, Barney, and Seymour Butts not only agree to the outrageous eating contest, but they immediately went to town (not literally). We looked like Augustus Gloop of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory lore.
Who the hell is Seymour?
Where’d he come from?
He was the fella two table over. He saw how much fun we were having and joined us. Yep, he ordered ribs, too. How convenient, huh?
Our wives were aghast. Embarrassed. We didn’t care. We kept gobbling away like it was Thanksgiving on crack.
RANDOMEST THOUGHT EVER: The song “Cult of Personality” by Living Colour just popped in my head.
The plates were clean. They shined bright like a diamond. Like they’d be run in the dishwasher. Twice. Shiny happy plates.
“Fourway tie, strangers?” asked Mr. Butts.
Mr. Potato Head
“Eat the potato skins,” Jackson jived so we did.
“Eat ’em now!” Barked Browne.
Chomp! Chomp! Slurp!
“Parsley! I spot parsley,” Barney bellowed.
Gobble, gobble, gobble.
Gone.
“What now?” asked a concerned and edgy Seymour, whose family had departed without him.
No, they didn’t! Oh yes, they did
“The napkins … we’re running on empty,” jingled Jackson Browne.
Oh, it wasn’t pretty boys and girls. It looked like a snowball battlefield for Lilliputians of Gulliver’s Travels with tiny little spitballs splashed all over our plates —but then instead of spitting or tossing, we ate them.
Gulpity, gulp, gulp.
We look around like savages.
The wives left to have drinks at the bar.
Do you blame them??
They’d had enough of our silly food follies.
“Hmmmmmmmm…” Jackson thought. “What can we find up on the boulevard.”
Then he devilishly picked up a toothpick.
No, he didn’t Uncle Mike
Shhhhh …. don’t interrupt the story, Ricky Bobby! And quit pointing the red dot laser on Woody’s crotch?
COMMERCIAL BREAK: “Take me out to the ballgame, take me out to the crowd, buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks … CRACKER JACKS!?!?!?!? When in the Clayton Kershaw have they sold cracker jacks at a ballgame of late. Lyric update… “but me some peanuts and cheesy nachos.” Better, right??
A most absurd and unique pick and roll
So, anyway, Jackson grabs a toothpick and jams the sucker into his mouth. AGAIN, kids never ever do this at home — EVER.
I saw him doctor my eyes.
He chewed like there was no tomorrow. He sipped lots of water. Four. Four full glasses of water. It was like an oil refinery in his mouth. He was a machine. A beast.
“Well, we’re waiting,” said a blabbering Barney.
No Butts about it. His ass was in a Lotta trouble
“Seymour Butt! Get your ass over here,” yelled Seymour’s wife, Lotta.
And Seymour Butts high-tailed it to the rear door.
Eleven minutes and forty-three more seconds later, and like something out of a Fear Factor food challenge — or maybe Jurassic Park — Jackson jettisons his jaw open like an Olympic heavyweight eating champion and said:
“Yeah, gonna shine tonight, make the toothpick mine tonight.”
Damned if a mariachi band didn’t come sprinting in, throw a sombrero on Jackson’s noggin and start playing “Another One Bites the Dust.”
Then we emptied our wallets.
I had a measly $4.33 cents I slapped on the table for J-Browne.
Barney? He rummaged through his pockets and pulled out an old Cheez-It crumb, one crinkly dollar bill, thirteen pennies (one Candian), a Chucky Cheese coin, a Charm’s Blow Pop, fingernail clippers, lint, a crumped-up napkin (cheater!), and a tiny blue pill.
Oh, yeah, sorry I forgot to mention: the winner of the eating contest got all the money or whatever was in the loser’s pockets.
Good night!
ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
The moral to the story
There wasn’t a moral, dude.
FUN FACT: Eric Stoltz was originally cast to play Marty McFly in Back to Future, but after six weeks director Robert Zemeckis decided he wasn’t right for the part. (Sounds like my love life in high school).
Thanks for reading this story. I’m impressed if you’re still awake. Any resemblances to real characters are purely coincidental. Names have been changed to protect identities. Identity theft is no joke.
