The Dreaded Holiday Visit

Clearing the family cache

Christine and her husband Steven were not enjoying the drive to Christine’s parents’ house for the holidays — or at least Christine wasn’t. She dreaded going home at Christmas or Thanksgiving or anytime. Steven didn’t know what to expect so he was good. Christine had not been home in six years but agreed to come so that her parents could meet her new husband.

“I’m sure it’s not as bad as you make it out to be,” said Steven just before he popped some chocolate in his mouth.

“Oh, believe me it is. My parents never change. They still see me as though I’m a kid. I’m 35 freaking years old and a successful businesswoman but they still treat me like I’m 15. They refuse to see the person I am now. It’s like their brains are stuck.”

“Yeah, that’s actually rather typical. The human brain is a lot like a computer. We all have a built-in cache like internet browsers have. When we are around the same people constantly we develop default images of them. For the sake of speed and efficiency our computer brains bring up those default images when we come into contact with them rather than stopping, clearing the mind, and looking at them in their present state. It’s easier, takes less energy and attention and it usually has become habitual. We can’t do that with someone we just met so we have to actually pay attention. We have no preconceived notions about them. Everything is new. With people we’ve known most of our lives we could change the color of our hair, grow a beard, get a tattoo or whatever and they may not even notice because they’re seeing a cache default image. And it’s the same with behaviors and speech and ideology.”

“Let me have some of those…”

Steven poured some chocolates into her hand.

“Wow. I never thought of it like that. I think you may be on to something, Steven. My parents have never cleared their cache, so to speak, so they keep seeing the 15-year-old me instead of who I am now. They still react to me the same way as they did when I was a kid. How do I get them to clear their cache?”

“Well, I guess that depends on how stuck they are in their default thinking. Some people are hopelessly stuck but others just need a little shaking up. And some look with fresh eyes and think with a clear mind all the time.”

“Well, my parents are definitely not the latter. They are hopelessly stuck in the past.”

Christine and Steven originally planned to spend the entire three-day weekend at her parents’ house but they left a day early. Things got out of hand.

By the second day Christine and her parents were arguing, fighting, yelling, and throwing tantrums. It was just like when Christine was a teenager. She had to get out of there.

Steven swallowed the potato chips he had been chewing, “Remember on the drive down to their house how I was talking about default cached images our brain uses?”

“Yes! Yes I do! And our visit proved that to be completely true. My parents are hopelessly stuck in their old thinking patterns. It’s truly hopeless. They will never change and I don’t think I ever want to go back and deal with that ever again. Why should I?”

“Christine, honey, it works both ways. When your brain senses the presence of another brain it has a long history with and when that other brain comes up with a default image and default behavior patterns then your brain automatically comes up with the corresponding default patterns of its own which it has always dealt with in reaction to the other person’s patterns. I had never met your parents before and I had no problems with them and I have to say that we’ve been married for almost three years now and I thought I knew what to expect from you but before my eyes I watched you morph into a raging maniacal teenager. I’d never seen that before.”

“Oh my God! I am so sorry about that. I can’t help it. Every time I get in the presence of my parents I turn into who I was twenty years ago. Seriously, it always happens and that’s why I hardly ever go to see them. I really can’t seem to help it. While I’m always pissed at them I’m even more pissed that I turn into a different version of myself when around them. For me, the best way to deal with that is to just not be around them. How do I stop reacting like that?”

“Well, you’ve got to clear your cache and try real hard to stay in the present and not react to their cache. It’s not easy. So much of our behavior is conditioned from the past. Speaking of which, I could totally relate to the teenage Christine. I was the same way — maybe worse. If we met back then I’m sure we would have been very hot for each other.”

Christine giggled.

“And that reminds me. It’s probably about time that you meet my parents. You know, we never got around to telling your parents the news and we’ve got to tell my parents the news, too.”

Christine looked down at her belly and started rubbing it. Then Steven took his right hand off the steering wheel and reached over to rub her belly.

After a few moments of silent belly rubbing and potato chip crunching Christine spoke up, “Let’s make a pact, Steven.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, let’s promise that we never fall into default behavior patterns. Let’s promise to, at least once a week or maybe every day, to just sit in each other’s presence with totally cleared minds and see each other as we are in that moment. Let’s regularly clear our caches together.”

“That’s the best idea I’ve ever heard. I’m in.”

“After all, we don’t want her to see her parents behaving out of old conditioned patterns. She needs to see her parents fully present and loving each other. Plus she needs to see her parents behaving that way with their parents. You know she’s gonna need to meet her grandparents some day.”

Copyright by White Feather. All Rights Reserved. This is a work of fiction.

Speaking of girls…