The Drawbacks of Giving Too Much

Why being overly selfless is suffocating and how you can learn to breathe again

Does the following statement by Danielle Doby describe you?

“I know what it means to have a heart that would drown itself for others before the need to surface for air.”

If so, you’re most likely a person who’s made giving to others a priority.

And it’s a beautiful thing. Until it’s not.

Because when you give too much of yourself away to others, you often surrender more than just your time — you surrender yourself.

And this act can leave you broken, empty, and exhausted. It can cost you your identity and happiness, and it can do more harm than good to your most important relationships.

To prevent this, you need to find the sweet spot where you can love others and still show love to yourself.

But to achieve this goal, some self-examination is in order.

You need to assess how much giving to others is costing you, and if the answer is “too much,” you need to take action.

The Effects of Being Overly Giving

We’ve been taught all our lives that only by focusing on others’ happiness will we ever find our own. We’ve been taught giving will fulfill us, give us purpose, provide us with peace, and finally set us free.

But if you’re reading this, it’s likely you’re not finding giving all that rewarding. Instead, you’re feeling trapped, exhausted, and irritable.

And here are some reasons why.

Giving too much becomes an expectation

Helping others and offering to take care of their needs around the clock establishes an unhealthy precedent — one that often leads others to take advantage of the giver.

As licensed therapist Maysie Tift states,

“An overly sacrificing approach to relationships creates imbalance or exploitation.”

In other words, instead of seeing a giver’s actions as a gift, family, friends, and coworkers begin to see their sacrifices as an expectation.

For example, if a loving wife frequently offers to iron her husband’s clothes because he always wakes up late, her sacrifices are subconsciously rewarding her husband’s negligent behavior.

As a result, the husband continues to wake up late because he knows his wife will handle this problem. And as time goes on, a cycle is created. The wife’s acts of selflessness turn into obligations — ones where she is criticized or held responsible when her self-sacrificing behavior stops.

The same scenario happens when a parent continually takes responsibility for tasks children can do independently, such as cleaning their rooms and doing their laundry, or when a friend repeatedly takes on the duties and obligations of a needy companion.

In these situations, the giver’s acts of kindness are exploited, causing a never-ending and ever-growing series of burdens to be heaped upon their shoulders.

And when these acts of caring become unspoken demands, the emotional and physical consequences for the giver can be extreme.

Giving too much depletes the giver both emotionally and physically

Greater Good explains that sacrificing one’s own needs and wants day after day causes a “loss of personal resources” in the giver.

These lost “personal resources” can be physical, such as when the giver is robbed of energy, sleep, or acts of self-care. They can also be emotional, such as when giving hinders the giver from effectively coping with stress, dealing with anxiety, or managing their own emotions.

Because the giver has made self-sacrifice a large part of their lives, they often feel a sense of guilt if they don’t continue. This results in a tremendous list of responsibilities the giver takes upon themselves to complete.

And to check all the blocks on this ever-growing list, the giver must deny themselves the very things they need for their own well-being.

For example, let’s say a giving spouse and parent takes on duties that should be equally shared with their partner. If the giving spouse is responsible for all the tasks involved in child-rearing such as managing doctor and dentist appointments, providing homework help, taking care of baths and bedtime routines, and doing the cooking and cleaning, it is easy to see how the giver’s physical reserves are drained.

With so many obligations on their plate, it is often necessary for the giver to do things such as use their lunch break to make needed calls to doctors and dentists or spend late nights working on job tasks left unattended until all the necessary chores at home are completed.

And this makes basic things others do to unwind unachievable for the giver. Small methods of relaxation such as taking a hot bath, indulging in a good book, and enjoying mindless entertainment like television are close to impossible, and this leads to stress that can affect the giver’s health and result in sickness, burnout, or both.

Giving too much breeds resentment, fear, and anger

When a giver’s actions are taken advantage of, the giver may feel anger, fear, and resentment, even though they usually continue to make sacrifices to avoid hurting others.

And when a giver’s actions continually go unnoticed or unreciprocated, a mental dialogue begins. This dialogue includes some of the following thoughts:

• “If they truly loved me, they would want to help shoulder burdens with me.”
• “Why do they not treat me with the same love I show them?”
• “Do they even care about my feelings?”
• “Why don’t they see how much I do and return the favor once in a while?”
• “Would they still love me if I stopped doing so much and took time for myself?”

And the more frequently this internal conversation occurs, the more embittered the giver becomes.

The result?

Relationships become strained, and if these thoughts persist, bonds between loved ones can be permanently damaged.

Setting Boundaries to Break the Cycle of Over Giving

An article entitled “10 Signs That You Are Giving Too Much of Yourself” states that givers must begin to make more balanced choices. It goes on to explain that to do this, givers should focus on “re-patterning generations of self-sacrificing habits” and “re-attuning [their]individual operating [systems] to self-love.”

And one of the main ways givers can accomplish both of these things is by setting boundaries.

Here are two steps to help do this.

Step one: Identify your rights and limits

Healthline states basic rights all beginners should repeat to themselves as they begin to set boundaries:

• “I have a right to say no without feeling guilty.”
• “I have a right to be treated with respect.”
• “I have a right to make my needs as important as others.”
• “I have a right not to meet other’s unreasonable expectations of me.”

And to ensure these rights are not violated, givers need to set limits for themselves and others.

When setting these limits, the giver should consider some of the following questions:

• What do I need to be happy and fulfilled?
• What actions will I avoid doing for others to allow myself to be happy, healthy, and fulfilled?
• What behaviors will I accept and refuse to accept in others?
• What things will I say “yes” to, and when will I say “no”?

And the more specific the giver is in answering the questions, the more successful maintaining their boundaries will be.

Step two: Communicate your rights, limits, and feelings to those you love

Holistic Wellness details that givers should do two things when attempting to express their boundaries to loved ones.

• Be courageous enough to state that they feel taken for granted.
• Explain they are working towards balance and need their support

One of the best ways to do this is what many counselors and relationship experts call the “I” statement. It is a framed statement that will help givers firmly but respectfully state their feelings and needs.

The statement is as follows:

“ I feel __________________when you ___________________. I need you to _____________________.”

Givers can make subtle variations on this statement that are more action-centered.

For example, here’s an example of one such variation:

“I love you, but I will no longer__________________. Instead, I will _____________________.”

And Paul Colaianni, host of the podcast The Overwhelmed Brain, warns givers that loved ones’ initial reactions may not be supportive. He relays,

“When you honor yourself, you may get people mad at you. They may not be happy, or maybe they’ll feel like you led them on. But if they honor you, they’ll honor where you need to be.”

The Bottom Line:

Maya Angelou said that “as you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.”

And when your whole life has been about giving to those you love, the truth is you’ve chosen to live with one hand tied behind your back.

So why live that way when you don’t have to?

Untie that hand, the one that was supposed to be for loving you, and let it do what it was made for.

When you do, you’ll realize a wonderful fact — that loving yourself means you have more love to give to others as well.

And if that isn’t a win-win, I don’t know what is.