Comic verse

The Double Demise of Keeley McSnot

A cautionary tale of greed, snails and reincarnation

Keeley McSnot is a wee tiresome grot, She moans and she wails, and she likes eating snails. Crunchy and brown, she washes them down, With a drink from a bottle, she found on the ground.

The snails are so juicy, and crunchy and munchy, Just what a gross girly enjoys for her lunchy. Lips smacking loudly, she searches for more, Scrabbling and scratching she crawls on the floor.

Face-down in the dirt, she slurps and she dribbles, A fat snail is trapped, in terror, it wriggles. She grabs it with greed, the poor snail is squashed, All gooey and slimy, his small life is lost.

Unknown to cruel Keeley, the snail gods are plotting. When she dies of old age, her moist body rotting, Snails travel for miles to converge on her grave, “We will eat you all up”, they scream in their rage.

“Our anger is righteous, our magic is strong, You will come back and suffer, like we did, ‘ere long.” So Keeley woke up, but things weren’t quite right. “I’m squishy and slippy, my back feels all tight.”

“My eyes are on stalks, I don’t feel so well, The sun burns bright yellow, and what is that bell?” The ground started shaking, as school was let out. “A snail”, shouted Harry, “It’s lunchtime, about.”

“My grandson”, shrieked Keeley, “please don’t be so hasty.” But Harry, from Granny, knew snails were so tasty. He snatched up poor Keeley and bit off her head, With a sickening crunch, cruel Keeley’s twice dead.

I started writing on Medium as I wanted to share my knowledge about leadership, diversity & inclusion and personal development. Then I received an acrostic poetry challenge which led me to remember my love of comic verse. I did the challenge (Fruit Bursts) then I wrote another acrostic (Why the F**K am I doing this), then the name Keeley McSnot popped into my head and I knew I had to write a poem about her.

Keeley is based in part on my daughter, who was always a bit of a grub!

I hope you enjoy it.