The “Dos” And “Don’ts” Of Happy Couples

Which camp are you in?

Dating and maintaining a happy relationship are two completely different things.

Dating is easy. Anyone can hop onto a dating app, swipe right, and go meet up for a coffee or a drink.

Anyone can go out and strike up a conversation.

Actually building and maintaining a true emotional, romantic, intimate, and lifelong connection with another person, though, is an entirely different endeavor.

That’s what we’re talking about below.

Below are 10 “dos” and 10 “don’ts” for when you’ve successfully gotten into a relationship, and want to stay in it.

What lifelong couples DO:

1: They DO openly communicate and are authentic.

Single women everywhere are secretly wishing that men were more apt to discussing how they feel, what they’re thinking, what they want (and don’t want) in life and in a relationship.

I’ve said for years that communication is a foundational piece of every successful relationship and I will always stand by that. Men and women who communicate freely without fear of being judged will be able to build more trust, more respect, a deeper bond, stronger intimacy, and a happier relationship overall.

2: They DO actively listen.

Active listening is different than just hearing someone speak. Active listening requires that you pay full attention, ask follow-up questions, explore the issue at hand, and ensure that you truly understand what is happening in the discussion.

Active listening is not just sitting there nodding your head saying “uh-huh, mmhmmm…” Active listening is the foundation of a real dialogue.

It can take some extra effort to engage in a conversation after a long day, when you’re not in the mood, or when you’ve got your own challenges that you’d rather be focusing on instead — but being in a relationship is about prioritizing both the needs of yourself and your partner, which means sometimes putting your own issues on the back burner in order to allow her to talk through the ones she is facing.

3: They DO keep doing the things that “won each other over.”

Sometimes the “don’t fuck it up” part is as simple as continuing to do the things you did in the dating phase of the relationship.

Those are, after all, the things that made them fall for you in the first place.

Not just the things you did, but the person that you are.

A lot of people get into relationships and start to lose themselves.

They stop doing the things they loved doing when they were single.

They lose sight of hobbies and passions.

They put less effort into their health and appearance because they’re no longer on the prowl.

Should your partner and relationship be a priority in your life? Absolutely.

Is it healthy for it to be all-consuming and completely take you over? Definitely not.

Remaining a whole and complete individual within the relationship is crucial for both partners if they want to thrive together.

If one partner begins to absorb the other, it’ll become a breeding ground for resentment, loss of intimacy, and emotional distance.

You don’t need to be the perfect person, but you do need to be the one you said you were when you first met. That’s who she fell for.

4: They DO stay open to change and evolution.

Anytime you intertwine two individuals’ lives together, you’re going to spark some change within them. New hobbies, routines, perspectives, traditions, family dynamics…it all evolves as someone new is brought into the mix.

If one person — or both people — are resistant to this type of change, there will be constant conflict and eventually irreconcilable differences.

You cannot get into a relationship and expect to live the same life you did when you were single.

If that’s the life you wanted to keep living — then you should follow your own path and keep living it. When someone else is on the path with you, they’re going to point out different routes, go faster or slower, stop and smell the roses, and notice things that you didn’t. They’ll also learn from you, follow when it’s your time to lead, and appreciate the things that you noticed when they overlooked them.

It’s a dance, and the most beautiful dances depend on harmony.

5: They DO support and encourage each other.

Strong couples have goals that they set together, and they also have individual goals.

The support and encouragement of your partner can make or break your enthusiasm about your pursuit. It shouldn’t, but it does.

When the man or woman in your life knows that you’re standing behind them to catch them if they fall, standing in front to inspire them, and standing next to them to be their teammate, they’ll will know that you love them for who they are and all that they want to become.

6: They DO take part in each others’ interests.

I get it guys, maybe that basic fall activity her and her 6 friends named Ashley and their boyfriends named Brad do every year isn’t really your jam, but part of accepting all of a person is joining in the things they love to do — with enthusiasm.

If you’re there the whole time bitching and moaning about the experience thinking you’re getting bonus points just for surviving for 3 hours, think again.

Find a silver lining, make a game of it, take joy in watching her light up while she does what she loves.

She will reciprocate in kind.

Right, ladies?

7: They DO practice forgiveness.

Spoiler alert: You’re going to piss each other off.

It might not be today, or tomorrow, or even during your first year together — but it’s unnatural to think two people can be open and honest with each other and not have an argument or disagreement now and then.

You’ll both need to practice forgiveness because you’ll both say things you’ll regret almost immediately.

Given that you’ve not crossed a line or done something abusive — forgiveness is going to be the key to moving forward.

It’s not just about arguments, though. You might forget an important date, or let a secret slip out, or do one of a million things that might have you asking for forgiveness.

You both must be willing to give it when appropriate in order to prevent grudges and resentment.

8: They DO have realistic expectations.

Life isn’t always sunshine and rainbows, and neither are human beings. We all have good and bad days, successes and failures, challenges and triumphs. Our moods shift, our wants change, and our needs evolve.

We need to allow space for this movement in our relationships because it can be unpredictable. Expecting everything to be perfect, or stay the same, or always have a happy ending — is not realistic.

Being realistic is about understanding that life can come at you from all angles and look all different ways, and adjusting to it is simply part of the journey.

9: They DO always make each other feel appreciated.

No matter how generous, giving, loving, or kindhearted a person is — feeling taken for granted will slowly (or quickly) push them away from you and the relationship.

This is extra important over time as it becomes easier to fall into routines and stop showing our immense appreciation for our partner.

We must keep dating each other, keep the intimacy and romance alive, and keep showing the person we’re with why we’ve chosen to be with them every single day.

10: They DO stay actively intimate.

We all know that even though physical intimacy cannot hold a couple together on its own — the absence of it can play a big role in pulling them apart.

Lifelong couples don’t stop being physically intimate — which, yes, can mean having sex. But, it can also mean holding hands, cuddling, kissing, giving booty rubs, or any of the countless other ways that we can stay physically connected to each other.

What lifelong couples DON’T do.

1: They DON’T try to solve all of each others’ problems.

“But, I want to support the person I love!”

Yes — that is noble and kind. I’m sure they love and appreciate your endless support. But, support doesn’t mean stepping in and trying to take over. It doesn’t mean trying to be a “fixer,” or a “parent,” or a “coach” (that’s what I’m here for).

It does mean giving them the space to vent, talk, explore ideas, and figure it out themselves.

If they specifically ask for your help, step in and let your light shine. If not, show them you respect their ability to do it on their own.

2: They DON’T bottle up their feelings.

What happens if you avoid important discussions for too long?

The feelings of frustration build up inside of you until their only option is to explode.

It could be in an argument, or triggered by something otherwise small or meaningless.

Staying consistent and open with your communication can allow you to build bridges instead of walls in your relationship, and find the way across them — together.

3: They DON’T try and change each other.

Loving someone is about embracing and accepting who they are today. If you feel the need or the urge to “fix” or “change” the person they are in order to love them, the relationship is already doomed.

You’re looking for a partner — not a project. For someone to change, they need to be willing to do it on their own.

And, what’s more, just because you want them to change doesn’t mean that they should.

4: They DON’T project their insecurities onto each other.

We ALL have things from our past that we carry with us. Sometimes, that includes insecurities from childhood, or previous relationships, or a lack of confidence within ourselves.

Key phrase — within ourselves.

Projecting your insecurities onto your partner only serves to blame them for something they didn’t do and weren’t even around for.

It also prevents you from actually addressing challenges because you’re avoiding the real source — which is within.

5: They DON’T sneak around or keep secrets.

What should be an obvious point is often overlooked in smaller ways. Omitting information about conversations, not sharing the real truth about the past with a “friend,” keeping secrets that would be valuable information for your partner to learn about you…

You cannot have open and honest communication if you’re hiding things from the person you’ve pledged to love.

6: They DON’T expect their partner to be the source of their happiness.

Obviously a relationship should enhance the level of happiness in your life, but it cannot be the sole source of it.

This is a recipe for disaster as you put too much weight on a person or relationship that it will inevitably crumble under. This is why your happiness must come from within and then you bring that to a relationship.

“You complete me” sounds cute and romantic, but the best relationships are with two people who were already whole before they met.

7: They DON’T just expect to know what the other wants.

It’s okay, you don’t have to be a mind-reader.

This is why communication is a referring theme in articles about healthy relationships, because it allows you to express wants, needs, desires, boundaries, and expectations to (and from) your partner.

Don’t expect to know exactly what will make them happy if they haven’t told you, or if you’ve not learned over time.

You don’t need that kind of pressure, and it’s always better to know for sure.

8: They DON’T walk away at the first sign of conflict.

Previous generations had relationships that lasted because they fixed what was broken, they didn’t just leave it in pieces on the floor and walk away.

Should you walk away from abuse? Immediately.

Should you walk away from betrayal? Immediately.

If your partner harms you emotionally or physically, you should be out the door faster than I can type this sentence.

But, if you’re working through differences of opinions, or finding a compromise, or dealing with patchwork, it’s best to explore all options for reconciliation before choosing to go your separate ways.

9: They DON’T do things that make each other uncomfortable.

Earlier I said you need to maintain your identity and continue pursuing your passions — but if you’re passionate about going to the strip club then that’s probably not going to fly with your partner. Unless, of course, they’re into going with you.

The idea is that part of being in a relationship is respecting your partners comfort zones and not pushing the limits outside of them.

Should they change you? No, we’ve already established that.

Do you need to compromise and live as a “we” rather than a “me”? Every single day.

10: They DON’T lie about their intentions.

You’re a grown adult in a mature relationship, and that means you and your partner need to be on the same page about where you envision things going.

If you’re dishonest about your intentions because you’re too nervous to let them down, or because you’re just trying to get them into bed, or because you can’t bring yourself to break their heart — you’ll do more harm than good in the long run.

It’s important that from day one you are honest and genuine about your intentions moving forward.

If the intentions change, you need to have a conversation about it.

If your intentions (hopefully) stay the same, then reassure your partner and make sure your actions match your words.

If you enjoy someone’s company, build a deep sense of trust, love, respect, and intimacy, and build towards a future together, there will be nothing that can break you apart.

• Click here to book a free call to see if we’re a fit to work together. My private clients find themselves living more confident, purposeful lives and cultivating healthier relationships with those around them.
• James Michael Sama is an internationally recognized speaker, author, and personal development coach.
• Finding success in creating hundreds of viral articles and videos on building limitless confidence and healthier relationships, James has accumulated over 39 million visitors to his website and a collective social media following of over 400,000.
• James speaks at live events and in the media across the U.S. and has become a go-to expert with outlets such as CNN, Bravo, The New York Post, The Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, CNBC, The Boston Globe, CBS, and more.