The Disappearing Toddler

It was a fairly laid-back morning, all things considered. School’s still out for summer so no need to be traipsing out in the rain walking the kids, and my missus left for work at the arse crack of dawn. So it’s just me and the baby.

I woke her up with mango and a croissant with tropical fruit juice for breakfast as she is a very middle-class baby and a big fan of fusion cuisine, and let her watch a bit of CBeebies while she ate.

Her current favorite character is a little dog called Bluey who is Australian and presumably a bartender or a convict of some kind.

After breakfast, we went into the bathroom and she sat on the potty while I sang the lyrically inspiring ‘Wee wee on the potty’ song. Soon, I heard the glorious tinkling of urine hitting plastic and confused the baby greatly with my celebration. We changed her into her outfit for the day and put a little ‘Well done’ sticker on her chest. She gave me further quizzical looks.

I did her hair, congratulating myself for finally getting it right after nearly three years of practice, and let her go about her day. My little girl has a funny way of going from toy to toy. She doesn’t stroll or peruse her various dolls and teddies. She marches like she has serious business to attend to.

‘There’s a Pepper Pig figure that simply must be stuffed into a pillow case and left behind the telly. Now, please allow me to proceed, Daddy’

I went downstairs to start work while she toddled around. It’s always quiet the first hour or two so I took a couple of calls and then went upstairs to check on her.

She isn’t there.

I shout out to her but she doesn’t answer. No surprise there, she’s an ignorant little twat on her best days. Check inside her play tent, under our bed, in the spare room.

Oh shit, did I leave that stair gate open? The front door is locked, thank fuck.

What about the bathroom window? That’s shut too. Maybe she jumped out and then closed it on her way down as she plummeted. It’s nice to think she’s so energy-conscious. Takes after her Dad.

She is absolutely nowhere. This seems unlikely.

I looked and looked in every room in the house for the longest 45 seconds of my life. Every nook and cranny, every cupboard, drawer and all her long-forgotten hiding places until I went into her room and saw her happily lying in bed watching Bluey, drinking her juice.

Little shit.

See you tomorrow.

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