The dilemma of marriage in desi societies
You are in your mid to late 20’s, have graduated and doing a job. Your family is pressuring you to get married. Your parents look for prospective proposals, hoping to find the right one for me. Something doesn’t click.
He’s not a doctor. We only want a doctor.
She’s not fair-skinned.
She has a PhD. Too educated for us.
He is not established.
We’re not from the same caste/sect. This cannot happen.
You’re a middle class family.
All of these stereotypes add to the difficult task of finding the right match for the person. Dating is still considered a taboo but people do it in Pakistan and India. When the time comes to make a decision, that’s when things work out or not.
Oh, our family prefers me to marry my cousin.
We’re not from the same caste/sect.
You’re not very educated.
Marriages are an extravagant affair in Pakistan and India. It doesn’t bring just the husband and wife together but two families together. You not only get a spouse but another family you have to take care of. Plus, you need to have ‘status,’ whether it be having a highly-paid profession to know how to cook food and making rounded rotis. It’s just how desi society is, or stuck in.
Netflix’s Indian Matchmaking exposes these flaws. A woman who is looking for a son wants her future bahu (daughter-in-law) to know how to be ‘flexible’ for the ‘susral’ (in-laws). It’s as if she is asking for a pet. Despite the flack the show received, it does expose the ugly reality of desi societies that specificity matters. Anything outside the box is unacceptable.
The common expectations for a woman is to be pretty, fair-skinned preferred, knows how to do household chores like cleaning and cooking food to being an ‘obedient’ bahu. You know, the ones you see in TV serials. For a man, having a high-paying job, having a car or a house a plus. It’s interesting how desi society values a woman’s social and physical aspects while a man’s materialistic and professional aspects. Anything off the package is considered unacceptable to many.
A large chunk of men and women cannot get married because they either do not have some or any of the qualities mentioned above acceptable to desi families. An educated woman who has a PhD is scary while a man who is mentally, spiritually and physically ready but is ‘under-construction’ in his career is not desirable. Western societies do it better in my opinion as they do not care about specificities. It’s the attention and commitment that matters, whether the relationship is halal or not.
Islamic scholars like to emphasize that marriage should be a priority between a man and a woman. Marriage stories of Prophet Moses (Peace Be Upon Him) and Prophet Muhammad (Peace Be Upon Him) are shared. Prophet Moses (Peace Be Upon) running away from Egypt and marrying one of the two daughter’s of an old man. Prophet Muhammad (Peace Be Upon Him) getting married to Khadijah (Peace Be Upon Her) who was his employer and she married him because of his honesty and trustworthiness.
Why are these qualities not valued among a large portion of desi society?
A man can have all the riches in the world but what’s the point if he is abusive to his wife? Similarly, a woman may know how to make rounded rotis but what if her brain is only attached to being a household maid for strangers?
I’m not saying not to have preferences but at least lower some of the unrealistic expectations. Not every man can be a doctor or an engineer with a six-figure salary. Not every woman cannot know how to make rounded rotis and do house chores. Women prefer their independence and have a desire to explore the world. Men want to keep changing their careers and trying out new things. Everything cannot stay the same.
Let me know how you guys feel in the comments.