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Abstract

to perform any intimate act or expect it performed.Spiritual boundaries protect our right to believe what we choose, within reason. We cannot force our beliefs on anyone else, nor should our spiritual beliefs be used to impose moral judgments on others, or to dehumanize them.Non-negotiable boundaries are varied, personal, and contextual, and may be necessary for trauma survivors and the neurodivergent to feel safe. These non-negotiables need to be communicated (eg. “My medical condition is not to be revealed outside the family”).<h1 id="0e48">Boundaries Protect Us</h1>Boundary violations tend to feel exactly like violations. Reasonable people respect boundaries because we all have them, and they are necessary for feeling safe and respected.Boundary violations can be worse than just feeling disrespected; they can be all-out physical assaults or betrayals; they can sap us of energy, time, cash, self-worth, and autonomy, and make us hypervigilant and feel under constant attack. The toll on psychological and physical health is real.Yet, you and I know probably both that this understanding and respect for boundaries are not universal. You’re likely to know a few individuals who cannot respect any boundaries at all. When boundaries are communicated to them, they’re inclined to argue, huff, mock, display contempt, or become aggressive.<h1 id="601f">Cultures of Entitlement</h1>“Culture” gets blamed a lot, but any culture that ignores boundaries is not worth keeping, because ultimately it’s undermining the mental and emotional well-being of its members.And some cultures definitely elevate certain subgroups over others; misogyny often leads men to feel entitled to women’s bodies and life decisions, for example. Such cultures do not afford or recognize the rights (or rights to boundaries) of the underclass. This can get repeated within families and with schools of thought that cannot see children as separate individuals from their parents: Self-differentiation from families is treated as disrespectful or taboo. In enmeshed families, children’s emotions are often punished because they make the adults uncomfortable.Within such cultures (usually conservative and/or traditional), those privileged by family role, gender, skin color, age, religious group, or socioeconomic class can often feel entitled to decide what’s “best” for others.And this is just so convenient for most narcissists and their families.<h1 id="c9a5">Red Flags and Violations</h1>I cannot write about narcissists and bullies without mentioning culture because some cultures will excuse or normalize boundary-crossing behaviors. It makes it harder to identify red flags — signs tha

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t a person is unsafe to engage with, especially in familial or romantic relationships.Conversely, someone who continually ignores or violates other people’s boundaries may use cultural norms, traditions, and expectations to bolster their manipulative and undermining behavior.Whether their behavior is pathological or not, it can be damaging and stressful to the others around them. Boundary violations can include nonconsensual touch, proselytizing, taking things, violating privacy, and sharing confidential information without permission. Constant criticism, dismissal, and fault-finding are also emotionally abusive.When a culture defends the behavior of abusers, that culture becomes abusive. I used to feel singled out and alone in my culture of origin, but now I’d rather stand alone than be part of anything that normalizes abuse.<h1 id="4916">Setting Boundaries</h1>It’s normal for those who’ve been abused or punished for saying “no” to feel challenged in setting boundaries. To these readers, please know that you are not wrong for having boundaries. They are necessary for well-being.In healthy relationships, boundaries are mutually respected. In unhealthy ones, they may be continually violated, even after repeated voicing.When I started speaking up for myself, there were mixed results. Some people had no problem with my boundaries at all, and it almost felt like I had stressed myself out with my anxiety.Yet with others, I found it necessary to overexplain or even lie to have my “no” accepted — and it was distressing until I realized I did not have to negotiate. I trained myself to deliver canned, repetitive answers, and to cut communication when it turned into harassment, bullying, or manipulation.I had to learn to stop people-pleasing and to let people be disappointed or angry. In the end, the results are worth it.<figure id="eba6"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*Au2xagpd4hJRGi217W1Zdw.jpeg"><figcaption>Photo by <a href="https://www.pexels.com/photo/a-woman-training-for-a-circus-act-8895606/">Los Muertos Crew</a></figcaption></figure>If your boundaries are repeatedly ignored, instead of internalizing and blaming yourself for “bad communication” or being unworthy of respect, know that some bad-faith parties just have no interest in considering your needs or boundaries at all.They may act like they are incapable or incapable of understanding. In these situations, consequences (such as reduced contact) may be useful to protect your time, energy, and peace of mind. Or, there is the ultimate boundary: blocking violators from further access to you.Because actions speak louder than words.</article></body>

The Different Boundaries We Need

Our mental health and well-being depend on our boundaries being respected.

I know there’ll be people who relate: I grew up in a home where my belongings could mysteriously disappear, even from inside drawers. My bedroom door was always open, and if it was shut, anyone could barge in without warning. If I played music in my room, I would hear mocking or judging comments on my choices. My interests and opinions appeared to be invitations for argument as if I were not allowed my own. And all emotional expression was policed: I was not allowed to be too happy — it would be questioned and deflated. Negative emotions would be manipulated or used to enter a contest I couldn’t win.

All of these crazy-making daily experiences were actually my boundaries being crossed or ignored. Of course I couldn’t know that, as boundaries were an alien concept in an enmeshed family. Everyone’s opinions, tastes, behaviors, looks, speech, hobbies, goals, dreams, and even clothing and belongings were subject to external approval — usually by the most controlling member of the family.

Little wonder I had no idea what boundaries were, or that they applied in all parts of my life. I’m guessing that if your family of origin was also enmeshed or narcissistic, boundaries were not taught or respected.

The Different Types of Boundaries

The categories of boundaries are:

Physical
Material and Financial
Intellectual
Emotional
Time
Sexual
Spiritual
Non-Negotiable

Physical boundaries are easy to understand, as violations of this take some form of assault. Material boundaries protect our possessions, and financial boundaries protect our money.

Intellectual and emotional boundaries protect our right to have our own ideas, thoughts, feelings, likes, dislikes, and opinions separate from others. How we feel and what lessons we draw from our experiences aren’t for anyone to undermine or gaslight, even if we invite a different perspective.

Time boundaries protect your time and energy: Showing up and leaving at agreed-upon times demonstrates respect for other people’s time and schedules, as well as your own.

Sexual boundaries protect our sense of safety even within intimate relationships. Consent should never be assumed from partners, much less carte blanche to perform any intimate act or expect it performed.

Spiritual boundaries protect our right to believe what we choose, within reason. We cannot force our beliefs on anyone else, nor should our spiritual beliefs be used to impose moral judgments on others, or to dehumanize them.

Non-negotiable boundaries are varied, personal, and contextual, and may be necessary for trauma survivors and the neurodivergent to feel safe. These non-negotiables need to be communicated (eg. “My medical condition is not to be revealed outside the family”).

Boundaries Protect Us

Boundary violations tend to feel exactly like violations. Reasonable people respect boundaries because we all have them, and they are necessary for feeling safe and respected.

Boundary violations can be worse than just feeling disrespected; they can be all-out physical assaults or betrayals; they can sap us of energy, time, cash, self-worth, and autonomy, and make us hypervigilant and feel under constant attack. The toll on psychological and physical health is real.

Yet, you and I know probably both that this understanding and respect for boundaries are not universal. You’re likely to know a few individuals who cannot respect any boundaries at all. When boundaries are communicated to them, they’re inclined to argue, huff, mock, display contempt, or become aggressive.

Cultures of Entitlement

“Culture” gets blamed a lot, but any culture that ignores boundaries is not worth keeping, because ultimately it’s undermining the mental and emotional well-being of its members.

And some cultures definitely elevate certain subgroups over others; misogyny often leads men to feel entitled to women’s bodies and life decisions, for example. Such cultures do not afford or recognize the rights (or rights to boundaries) of the underclass. This can get repeated within families and with schools of thought that cannot see children as separate individuals from their parents: Self-differentiation from families is treated as disrespectful or taboo. In enmeshed families, children’s emotions are often punished because they make the adults uncomfortable.

Within such cultures (usually conservative and/or traditional), those privileged by family role, gender, skin color, age, religious group, or socioeconomic class can often feel entitled to decide what’s “best” for others.

And this is just so convenient for most narcissists and their families.

Red Flags and Violations

I cannot write about narcissists and bullies without mentioning culture because some cultures will excuse or normalize boundary-crossing behaviors. It makes it harder to identify red flags — signs that a person is unsafe to engage with, especially in familial or romantic relationships.

Conversely, someone who continually ignores or violates other people’s boundaries may use cultural norms, traditions, and expectations to bolster their manipulative and undermining behavior.

Whether their behavior is pathological or not, it can be damaging and stressful to the others around them. Boundary violations can include nonconsensual touch, proselytizing, taking things, violating privacy, and sharing confidential information without permission. Constant criticism, dismissal, and fault-finding are also emotionally abusive.

When a culture defends the behavior of abusers, that culture becomes abusive. I used to feel singled out and alone in my culture of origin, but now I’d rather stand alone than be part of anything that normalizes abuse.

Setting Boundaries

It’s normal for those who’ve been abused or punished for saying “no” to feel challenged in setting boundaries. To these readers, please know that you are not wrong for having boundaries. They are necessary for well-being.

In healthy relationships, boundaries are mutually respected. In unhealthy ones, they may be continually violated, even after repeated voicing.

When I started speaking up for myself, there were mixed results. Some people had no problem with my boundaries at all, and it almost felt like I had stressed myself out with my anxiety.

Yet with others, I found it necessary to overexplain or even lie to have my “no” accepted — and it was distressing until I realized I did not have to negotiate. I trained myself to deliver canned, repetitive answers, and to cut communication when it turned into harassment, bullying, or manipulation.

I had to learn to stop people-pleasing and to let people be disappointed or angry. In the end, the results are worth it.

If your boundaries are repeatedly ignored, instead of internalizing and blaming yourself for “bad communication” or being unworthy of respect, know that some bad-faith parties just have no interest in considering your needs or boundaries at all.

They may act like they are incapable or incapable of understanding. In these situations, consequences (such as reduced contact) may be useful to protect your time, energy, and peace of mind. Or, there is the ultimate boundary: blocking violators from further access to you.

Because actions speak louder than words.