The Differences Between Men and Women, and Why You Are Fighting

A simple understanding of our differences and how to benefit from knowing them.

As I am sure you know, men and women are incredibly different. We look at couples who have been married for 40+ years, and ask, “what is your secret?”

When I first fell in love, as I’m sure most of us have the same story – I was convinced at the ripe age of sixteen, I found my husband! (Oddly enough, we did date for 10-years.) What could go wrong? I thought, well, as the years passed, everything did go wrong.

He started cheating, being unresponsive to my emotional needs, you know the story. My response to his outright lies was, what did I do? And instead of communicating with him, I made it worse by verbally attacking him and even retaliating – with his best friend. (Not a proud moment.)

Fast forward to age 26, when I finally got the gull to leave him. I met the next, man of my dreams! He was, (still is, ) entirely faithful, non-argumentative, and brutally honest. It seems legit, right?

However, I was damaged by the man before, and neither of us knew how to problem solve, communicate, or know how to love each other absolutely.

After six years, many fights, and a now, 16-month old daughter, I have finally found answers to the questions everyone asks in a relationship:

“Why doesn’t he/she give me space?”

“Why doesn’t he give me more attention?”

“Why does she get so mad?”

“Why does he/she fail at communicating?”

When we require our mate to be more like us, we are giving them the impression that they are not good enough the way they are.

Let me show you what I have found through experience and reading scientific studies.

And, the wonderfully informative book, “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.”

What is a man?

A man is naturally supposed to be logical and physical. They like to fix things, and I don’t necessarily mean fix as in, “fix a car, ” I mean, they want to fix problems. When a woman comes home, and vents to her man, the man’s brain wants to find a solution for her – she doesn’t usually want that; she just wants you to listen sometimes.

It took me years of anger and crying to realize that my boyfriend wasn’t trying to be unemotional, he was trying to help, but I expected him to help me, the way another woman would help me. In an emotional sense, instead of a “logical” sense. Make sense?

The physicality of a man is much different than women, not saying a man can’t or shouldn’t be emotionally available; however, logically and scientifically, men aren’t built that way. Since the dawning of time, men were the workers, hunters, fighters, and protectors. Women were the nurturers, the community builders, the ones who helped and guided others with love and gentleness.

I would argue daily with my boyfriend about how non-attentive he is, and I failed to recognize that he isn’t me. I can’t expect him to change who he is naturally, and mentally, to suit my needs, just like a man can’t expect that of a woman.

Men do not like it when women try and “change” them. They want acceptance, not nurturing. When women try and “mother” their boyfriends, the man can feel inadequate. Feeling like there is something wrong with you, on both sides, can leave you feeling broken.

I would cry to him about my troubles with friends, and he would say things like, “just stop talking to her.” And I would get so upset, and wonder why he would make that dumb remark, however, he’s not insensitive, he’s trying to find a solution for me.

What is a woman?

A woman is nurturing; by nature, women tend to be more emotional, not saying women can’t be physical or logical; they can, but we naturally, hormonally, and emotionally, tend to crave love and communication – women like too share emotions and feelings, they have a sense of duty to help and nurture.

Women are emotional creatures, while I can throw down with the best of them, whether it be work, working out, wrestling, etc., I always crave that emotional connection.

Women don’t always reveal the emotional problems they face; to find a solution, they may just want the companionship – to know the man is there for her emotionally, not just physically. Men need to remember this; you can’t just expect a woman not to express emotions. And you should realize that the “fix it” approach isn’t always what’s needed.

I got so mad In the first few years of my relationship, after the honeymoon phase, I swore my boyfriend just fell out of love with me. I was concerned about why he was being un-emotional, what am I doing? Why is he not super affectionate anymore? I focused my time on trying to change him, I wanted him to be just like me. When in fact, that’s what was destroying our relationship. And in the same sense, he was trying to get me to be more logical and less emotional, he wanted me to try and fix things the way he would, it was a never-ending cycle.

When you learn why these differences matter, you can prosper

As a couple, you are supposed to balance each other out. Otherwise, what is the point of being together? Ask yourself, would you date you? I wouldn’t. Not because I’m not awesome, I am fantastic, but because when I do get overly angry or emotional, I want to have someone to balance me. And the same goes for a man; when he is too critical, he needs to have the opposite that is there to level him.

It started after a big fight; we were arguing over our needs not being met, he told me he needed space, and I took that the wrong way. I told him I felt he wasn’t emotional enough, and he took that as me saying he doesn’t care about me.

After we both began to understand each other on separate levels, we were able to notice how our differences mattered. We began to see more, appreciate more, and value the contribution each had for the relationship.

What you can do as a woman

When your man says he needs space, give it to him. Don’t barge after him demanding attention. When you want space, how would you feel if he followed you around?

When he says something that seems insensitive to your anguish, instead of being aggressive with him, tell him that you just want him to listen, to just simply be there for you.

When he is not physically attentive, don’t jump to conclusions and start packing his stuff (I did that!) Try and let him know, in a calm manner, how you feel.

What you can do as a man

When she starts to express her emotions, don’t dismiss them because you don’t like to express yours, just listen. If she wants help, she will ask.

When she starts to question your love for her, don’t get defensive and blunt, just walk up and hug her. Kiss her, show her that you love her.

When she starts to become angry at you for your lack of attention, don’t argue with her, listen. And remember, she isn’t you, and you, aren’t her.

Conclusion

There is nothing wrong with a woman being man-like, or a man being woman-like, but you need to remember that you are two separate individuals. Most couples fight or break up because they don’t realize this. They think they simply fell out of love.

After the honeymoon phase, we expect our relationship to stay that way, and when it doesn’t, we leave an search for that fleeting feeling again. However, if you can see and appreciate your much-needed difference, the love past the honeymoon stage will last eons.

It takes practice and patience. But it is worth it. My boyfriend and I don’t argue pretty much ever, because we are capable of seeing from the other’s point of view. And it’s much more glorious to have someone that balances you, in life, than to have a false sense of acceptance.