The Difference Between Natural Monogamy and Cultural Monogamy

Knowing the difference could change your life.

I’ve done a lot of writing on monogamy in recent months. I’ve been fascinated by the responses I have received from people who are upset or concerned that I don’t ‘believe’ in profound, special, committed romantic love. My mere introspection about the concept of monogamy seems to be an indication to some people that I don’t believe sacred love can exist exclusively between two people. Quite the contrary. I have seen monogamy work. I have also enjoyed monogamy.

One of my core beliefs is the eternal nature of love and my writing is devoted in many ways to upholding that eternality with the many models I believe can support it. My experiences have shown me that our culture has come to a time where we are confronting the weakness in promoting just one model and thus we are searching for new ones. We are also searching for acceptance for those models on par of that which monogamy enjoys. Just witness the divorce rates, and even more importantly, dropping marriage rates. These societal markers don’t necessarily mean monogamy isn’t a workable model; as long as it exist as a natural byproduct of a healthy relationship and not a cultural construct.

I thought it might be helpful to write a piece explaining the difference in more depth, because I have seen it manifested in two very distinct ways: Natural Monogamy and Cultural Monogamy. If you follow the lines of both you will find content people at the end of one and mildly happy to miserable people at the end of the other.

Natural Monogamy

“I couldn’t keep my hands off her, the entire 27 years we were together. I simply didn’t want anyone else. She was always it for me.”

These words were dripping with pain and beauty as my friend described the love he had for his wife who had unexpectedly passed away just shy of a year ago. He used to think that what they had was the norm, but now that she was gone he was coming to realize that his enduring love was indeed special.

What my friend had experienced was natural monogamy. This exists when partners don’t have a desire to sexually engage other people. They’re not working to stay monogamous. This could be because they are just naturally monogamous people, as those people do exist on the sexuality spectrum, but science has proven that on the whole humans aren’t naturally monogamous. What I believe to be more accurate is that people who experience natural monogamy are engaged in relationships that are feeding their soul and sexuality in a way that is sustainable. Here are a few hallmarks of naturally monogamous relationships:

1. They have sexual interaction most if not every day of the week. This doesn’t necessarily mean penetration. This can be sexting, slow dancing in the kitchen, taking a bath together, making out, passionately kissing hello and goodbye. Whatever it is, the sexual fire stays stoked by both parties.
2. They acknowledge the beauty in the rest of the world and are secure in their partner’s attraction for them. They’re not threatened when someone is attracted to their partner or if their partner flirts with some else. They are proud, if not turned on, by the fact that their partner’s magnetism is acknowledged by others, and they are secure in knowing they’re going to get to enjoy it later.
3. They take care of their bodies. A partner that is putting time into themselves is hot AF and so is a healthy body. One doesn’t need to be perfect, but practicing self care goes along way for both partners.
4. They genuinely enjoy spending time together. Partners that play together, stay together.
5. They fight, and then they fuck. Emotion is emotion and suppressing any of it usually requires that you suppress all of it. So if you’re suppressing your anger you are also likely suppressing your sexual fire. Suppressing anger also has a corrosive effect on sexual interaction. No one wants to make love to someone they feel alienated from. That being said, the fighting between the naturally monogamous is respectful and ultimately leads to a closer connection . . .thus the make-up sex.
6. They have their own lives and support the other’s life independent of them. Their partner’s independence is a turn on because they are bringing fresh life force to the relationship on a consistent basis. They understand how supporting their partner’s other passions and allowing them the space to grow supports the relationship at home.
7. They like themselves. Self love is essential for any kind of love. People in naturally monogamous relationships are in love with themselves first and take care of their emotional landscape so that they can offer something to their partner instead of taking it from them.

Cultural Monogamy

I define Cultural Monogamy as the practice of not sexually engaging in a relationship outside of your primary one because of a religious, culture, legal or moral reason. In other words, if you could be with another partner without any external repercussions, you probably would. If fact, you need these repercussions to stay engaged with your partner. Here are a few other markers that tend to surface in culturally monogamous relationships.

1. Partners are ‘working’ on their relationship. . . a lot. If a couple is spending a lot of time trying to make things work like merging communication styles, social needs and spiritual views they are likely not experiencing the life of the naturally monogamous, especially if part of that work is staying monogamous.
2. They had a bad patch, but they got through it. Ah, the proverbial ‘bad patch.’ For many people it is a badge of honor, and some couples genuinely use it to strengthen their marriage. However, a lot of couples also weather the storm without fixing the issues. They accept a ‘new normal’ and lean on the external rules to keep them in their marriage. I curiously don’t often hear naturally monogamous couples mention a bad patch. It’s not like everything is perfect all the time, but they don’t seem to have have deep valleys.
3. Their partner is perfect. Cultural monogamy is often fueled by the fantasy romance narrative, because what is culture if not story? Culturally monogamous couples often live in a past reality, one where things were better. If you hear a lot of this narrative instead of stories about each others’ independent and current life you are likely talking to a culturally monogamous couple.
4. External validation plays a big role. Whether through extended family, religious community or social media campaign, if a couple is always ‘on display’ external validation is likely a large part of what makes them functional.
5. Not a lot of sex is going on. Period.
6. They’re conversations revolve around the externals in their lives like kids and the house. I remember sitting with my girlfriend enjoying a lovely Zinfandel at happy hour as we waited for her husband to arrive. During that time she shared that she was struggling. Things had gotten stale at home and hot at the office. When her husband showed up they didn’t greet each other with a hug or kiss and dove straight into a conversation about cleaning carpets and college admission exams. There wasn’t even a query between the two of them about their respective days. At some point they’d stopped seeing each other as people and started focusing on the functionality of the other in their collective lives. When this shift occurs cultural monogamy, not genuine love, starts to become the glue holding it all together.
7. They are unhappy in other parts of their lives. Maybe even all parts of their lives. This glue also starts to form when either party is fundamentally not in alignment, and thus happy with, their lives whether it’s the relationship or their job. Zombie life sets in and you may see an over reliance on alcohol or screen time. The only reason they actually maintain their current structure is because it’s what’s expected of them.

If you think I’ve simply just described a healthy and unhealthy relationship, and thus natural monogamy is a byproduct of emotionally healthy partners and culturally monogamous relationships as one of external cultural construction then you’re with me so far.

I encourage you to take theses list holistically. Of course every relationship can have list cross-over here and there, but if a majority of either list exists in a relationship then the category applies. These definitions are not a revolutionary concept, just one we often forget when we engage in cultural monogamy because we are constantly told this THE model for happy, healthy relationships.

If you are enjoying natural monogamy and happy in your exclusive, long-term relationship know that I am happy for you. If you are not, just know that you are not alone and that there are many roads to love. Just because you may not be currently on one doesn’t mean you are not worthy of having it in whatever form it takes.