The Dichotomy of Self-love
It never ends
Self-love has had a bad rap for being braggadocious, in many ways conceited and selfish.
With self-love being suppressed, it’s opened the floodgates for the extremes to take prominence, from self-hate to narcissism, both of which feed off each other.
Both stem from a need for validation.
The genesis of self-hatred comes from playing the comparison game: “I’m not enough,” “I’m nowhere near as talented, good looking as that person,” “I’m not as confident.”
The Narcissistic cannibal among us (yes, that is a term) chooses to feed off the validation of others, often at their expense. They have a continued reliance on this, and like vampires, they can drain the life out of a person while topping themselves up.
So, where does self-love fit?
The middle way
Talking from experience, self-love has been a hard thing to embrace but most rewarding.
There is a balance, a middle way to every extreme, that may not be as alluring or grandiose, but it is the most worthwhile and leads to more significant and far more stable self-worth and happiness.
Too much confidence allows no room for humility.
Too much humility allows no room for confidence.
But find the middle way between the two.
Too much discipline allows no room for creativity and spontaneity to enter.
Too much creativity and spontaneity leave no room for discipline or structure to articulate and form that creativity.
So the same can be said about self-love.
Too much self-love is narcissism.
Too little self-love brings you closer into the territory of self-hatred.
As an ex-chronic people pleaser, it’s only now that I appreciate the full extent of the repercussions of doing this.
Subconsciously, I was telling myself that I come ‘second’ in this scenario. Do it enough times, and learned behavior is going to be hard to shake after a while.
I’m not saying one should not be helpful; on the contrary, it’s about having the wherewithal to recognize that it is from a genuine and authentic place to you.
If it’s for the validation of others at the expense of one’s integrity, perhaps one may need to revise their stance…and social circle.
I took a stand for myself by choosing to fight for the things that bring out the best in me. For those, I do not compromise.
It’s my meditation routine. It’s my workout routine. My writing routine. Things that help me to connect to my most authentic, highest self.
These are my anchors. If my anchors are not set in place, then I can almost guarantee I’ll be swept up my life’s storms.
What good am I to others if my cup of self-worth, self-love, is empty? What value can I bring to anyone if I am running on an empty tank?
The last stand
Self-love, to me, means taking a stand for yourself. Owning your weirdness, eccentricities and everything that makes us who we are.
I cannot tell you how often I used to get deeply offended by being called ‘weird’ growing up, allowing my light to diminish because I failed the ‘normal’ spectrum of expectation for another person.
“To be the light, one must endure burning.”- Viktor Frankl
To be me, I must endure the repercussions of that. To be me in a world that is trying its damndest to make me succumb to its will is a courageous battle that sometimes doesn’t showcase the full scale of the rewards until much later.
When you’ve been a conformed citizen of the world for so long, the world with all of its relenting ways will not stop reminding you who and what you should be, and that’s why each of us must endure who we are and who we want to be every day with absolute resolve.
What else could be a better use of this life?