The Demon Inside

A tale of inner struggle

Most people will tell you “The Devil made me do it”. Others will say they have an angel on one shoulder and the Devil on the other. That’s not my style. There is nothing on my shoulders.

The photo above is a drawing I did recently. It depicts the demon or monster that takes up space in my head. I wanted to give him a presence. I needed to put a face to this freeloader who takes pleasure in driving me insane.

Gary (yes, he has a name) isn’t the Devil. He damn sure isn’t an angel either. He is more of a nuisance. You can see in the picture that Gary has no legs. This is because he has rooted himself deep into my brain. The tree roots symbolize how he has dug himself in free of charge.

Some people call it mental illness.

I used to call it that as well. I went to a therapist and was given pills. None of it worked. The pills made me numb to life and the therapist wanted to blame everything, but couldn’t see the real issue.

This enigma lives in my head. He pounds and kicks at my brain. At night, Gary fills my head with horrible dreams. He affects the way I think day in and day out. Some days I swear he somehow smuggled in cigarettes or matches and is smoking.

My brain gets clouded and everything gets jumbled to the point of confusion. Then I end up with a full-blown anxiety attack.

If you’ve never had one of those, count your blessings. It is not fun at all. There have been times he’s caused me such distress that I have had to leave work right in the middle of my shift, and it would take me an hour or more to calm down and get my thoughts straightened out.

Gary is evil. He is an inner demon who has learned how to manipulate every moment of my day at times. I have even been rendered speechless a few times. I had to resort to writing things down until I was able to calm down enough to speak again. If you’ve never experienced that as well, feel lucky. It is one of the scariest things I’ve ever experienced.

Maybe, just maybe, Gary is a figment of my imagination. Or, maybe he isn’t.

I am a writer, a creative type. My mind is always churning out new thoughts and ideas for stories or topics for essays. Artists or creative people are often thought to have a higher risk for depression and anxiety.

We are creative. We can draw, paint, or write with the greatest of ease when we put our minds to it.

For me, writing is something that helps me. It keeps “Gary” at bay.

Writing takes a kind of concentration that requires my brain to be in a state of peace and quiet. Therefore, if my anxiety is running rampant, there is no way I can form a solid thought to put to paper. My writing is a savior of sorts and I am thankful every day that I have it in my skill set. It has gotten me through some rough times.

Though Gary may challenge me greatly, I would like to thank him for pushing me to be creative and forcing me to control my own anxiety, as I embrace him as part of myself.

Is there a part of you, that both challenges you greatly and fuels you as well? Do you also have a ‘Gary’ that you still need to accept?

If you or someone you know is struggling with mental illness and needs help, seek a therapist or contact the National Alliance on Mental Illness helpline.