Pop culture | Humor

The Definitive Ranking Of All 9 ‘Love Actually’ Subplots

No, Jamie and Aurelia aren’t number one!

One of the best conversational tips is to ask specific questions. So if you’re at a holiday party and the chatter is thinner than the egg nog, don’t go in with: “and where are you spending Christmas?” Snore.

Instead, try one of my favorite seasonal icebreakers: “So, what’s your favorite subplot in the movie ‘Love Actually?’”

Trust me, this question gets the party started. Thanks to its Christmas theme, many people have seen Love Actually more than once. And most of those people have favorite plotlines.

Passionate debates will start over whether an aging rock star is more compelling than a little boy in love. It’s everything you ever wanted in a party conversation and more.

Given that I’ve had multiple conversations about this very point, I’ve had a lot of time to consider the definitive ranking of the nine subplots in this film. Go ahead and argue with me in the comments section. I’ll politely point out why you are, in fact, wrong.

Without further ado, here’s how they fall:

#9 Subplot — the worst — Colin goes to America to pick up women

I’m sure the rest of the list will be hotly contested, but there’s no denying that this dross could easily be edited out and no one would care. Then again, it makes for convenient bathroom breaks.

Colin is a bit of a failure-to-launch who decides to go to America because New World women love British accents. You can’t fault the logic, but we don’t develop any kind of attachment to this character so we’re not exactly rooting for him in his shallow quest, either.

He winds up in a pub in Wisconsin which just happens to contain 3 incredibly beautiful women who are looking for an awkward candidate for a foursome. Sounds plausible. Rampant sex ensues via window silhouettes.

The only interesting part of this subplot is a glimpse of a pre-Mad Men January Jones.

#8 — Sarah can’t seal the deal with Karl

It feels like a crime to put the preternaturally talented Laura Linney and her hotter-than-molten-lava crush Karl this far down the list, but this subplot is so frustrating and depressing that I can’t even watch it anymore. Sarah keeps getting sidetracked from her night of hot love by calls from her brother, whom she prioritizes over herself because of his special needs. Ultimately, she sends Karl away, knowing it’s just not going to happen.

Sure, it’s probably one of the more realistic scenarios — that real-life responsibilities can chase love away, but who wants that in a Christmas movie?

Justice for Sarah!

#7 — Jamie and Aurelia fall in love in two languages

When I ask people their favorite Love Actually subplot, this is the one they’re most likely to nominate. Why?! Colin Firth is a great actor, but Jamie and Aurelia are both kind of sad and low-key and quite frankly, not all that interesting. Plus, they can’t even speak each other’s languages, so how real is this love, anyway? And then Jamie proposes before they’ve even had a real conversation? Just, no.

Even though the restaurant scene is kind of heartwarming, this subplot is completely unrealistic.

#6 — Karen and Harry are in a love triangle

I’m tempted to rank this higher because of the powerhouse performance from Emma Thompson when she opens her Christmas gift to see not a beautiful necklace but a Joni Mitchell CD, but this subplot leaves me cold otherwise. The ease with which Harry can be talked into an affair is infuriating and his love interest is written so one-dimensionally. Harry is just a raging d*ck, in more ways than one.

We do have the solace of a classic Mr. Bean moment as he proves there are no small parts, only small actors. Buying a Christmas gift from a fancy department store will never be the same.

#5 — Sam learns drums to woo Joanna

Thomas Brodie-Sangster was one of the most gifted child actors out there and the story of him learning the drums to win his classmate’s attention pulls at the heartstrings. The fact that the director actually goes for a run through the airport moment is bizarrely satisfying and Joanna’s rendition of “All I Want For Christmas Is You” rivals even Mariah.

The little subplot for Sam’s dad Daniel and Carol is sweet as well. Here we have heartbreak and yearning but things end hopefully, as they should in a Christmas rom-com.

#4 — Billie Mack dominates the Christmas pop charts

Bill Nighy chews up the scenery in this role and makes us root for Billie even though he’s as shallow as a wading pool. Director Richard Curtis re-purposing the classic ditty “Love Is All Around” from the film Four Weddings and a Funeral is brilliant, especially when he butchers the already sappy lyrics with “So if you really love… Christmas, c’mon and let it snow.”

This subplot provides a lighthearted palate cleanser. Plus, Billie realizing that his manager Joe is actually the love of his life brings the feels as the two engage in an awkward hug.

#3 — The Prime Minister inconveniently loves Natalie

This used to be my favorite subplot because of Hugh Grant’s dancing scene but it hasn’t aged well due to everyone’s tendency to define Natalie as ‘fat’ which is, A) not a personality trait, B) patently untrue.

Nevertheless, I can’t deny the Prime Minister’s charm when he realizes he’s falling for one of his staff and mutters morosely“Oh no. That is so inconvenient.” Been there, Hugh. Been there.

Besides the dance, this subplot also gifts us with The Prime Minister’s door-to-door search for Natalie under the implausible excuse that he is caroling for his constituents. When Grant awkwardly starts crooning ‘Good King Wencelas’ his driver joins in with the rescue — shocking the head of state with his gorgeous fulsome baritone.

#2 — Mark confesses his love for Juliet via placard

Juliet marries Peter, which is tough news for Peter’s best friend Mark, who is in love with her. Mark finally comes clean with a series of placards he uses to utter that immortal line: “to me, you are perfect.”

Many people object to this subplot because they feel Mark should have kept his big trap shut about his feelings so as not to make life awkward. But here’s the thing — he tries to do that — but Juliet, in her longing to see the video Mark took at her wedding, figures out how he feels since every single shot on the tape is an extended close-up of her face.

So now things are even more awkward and Mark has no choice but to address it with her. The fact that he chooses such an unorthodox method is a big part of the charm. Peter’s in the house enjoying some telly while his best friend is outside silently declaring his love.

This subplot is short and sweet and both Juliet and Peter play the bluster and awkwardness to perfection. Even though the yearning is palpable, it ends with hope, with Peter deciding to move on.

#1 — the best — John and Just Judy flirt naked

John and Judy are actor stand-ins for porn movies. They meet on set and, while imitating graphic sex positions naked, have a sweet and charming conversation about mundane things like traffic. Over the course of several weeks of innocent flirting while graphically cupping each others’ privates, they quietly fall in love.

Honestly, there’s no better setup for a meet-cute/lewd, and the actors really take it home by selling their characters’ shy, diffident sides. It helps that the two have genuine chemistry — we can see them getting more and more comfortable together over time. By the time she finally tells him “all I want for Christmas is… you!” and he nebbishly jumps for joy, we too are cheering from our seats.

Interesting side note — people who’ve only seen this movie on television will have no idea this subplot exists! It’s cut from the TV version for nudity — how sad.

The Wrap-Up

Okay, that’s the definitive ranking. Go ahead and tell me why I’m wrong in the comments. I promise to patiently entertain your delusions.

And yes, I know Love Actually is wince-inducingly out-of-date in terms of modern social norms. It doesn’t make this game any less fun.

More holiday pop culture for you to enjoy — I make up Hallmark Christmas movie plots based on stock images.