The Deepest Cut Of All
Life After Heart Surgery
When you are found to have a heart condition that in no doubt will kill you within the next two to four years you damned well want to do something about it and quickly. Enter the National Health Service with yearly scans, consultations with Cardiologists, and various Doctors who are all on board with you just keeping an eye, waiting for things to worsen. The timebomb inside me which was in the form of a narrowing aortic valve continued to worsen during the Summer of 2021. So much so that I was referred to a Professor at a well-known London Hospital who operated on me and replaced the valve in the September of that year.
That’s wonderful everyone said. “It’s all done and dusted now, you can forget about it”. Oh yes, indeed I can just “forget about it” as I catch a glance at the scar running down my chest which is unlikely to fade any further. I can of course forget that I will be taking tablets including blood thinners for the rest of my days. I can of course forget that very often I feel extremely fatigued and have a nap in the afternoons.
But don’t for one minute think I am ungrateful. Nothing can be further from the truth. This operation has given me an extended lifespan and I hope in time yet to pass hear the words “Hello Granny” from a small person. The good ship NHS did what it’s best at and saved my life.
BUT, and a big but at that. Coming through the operation and getting home is only half of it. I have learned to accept that I am not the person I was before. I have a range of moods now encompassing that of an angry old woman to a softly spoken angel, and everything in between, usually over the course of one day. There is also the one thing that seems to be an unwritten secret after surgery of this sort, the dreaded “brain fog”. This is where your thinking is a lot slower and your mind is in a bit of a mist. It does lessen with time and mine has improved greatly but it remains a sleeping dog that wakes up occasionally. What is cheering though is receiving hospital letters from various Doctors mentioning the words “she has made an excellent recovery”. To the outer world indeed I have. I am as physically strong as before and managing some work. But inside my mind, my inner world, I am definitely not the same woman that walked into the operating theatre last year.
I would probably say to anyone heading for Heart Surgery. Most definitely do it, do it to save your life and live for yourself and those you love. But accept or at least reconcile with the fact that some things may be different afterward. The mental recovery from this operation takes as long, if not longer, than the physical recovery and when you are in the midst of it all time passes very slowly.
When I look at the scar on my chest I can barely believe I came through this operation. But I did, and for those of you waiting.
You will too.