The Deal Fell Through. So Did God.

Or Maybe… It Was the Universe

I cursed God. And I was doing it with so much anger I was spitting and crying at the same time. As the CEO of struggling startup, a business deal I worked so hard to make happen, one I was led to believe was in the bag — and which would have provided significant cash for my fledgling company — fell through. The immense weight of it sunk my heart. I needed that deal.

The God to whom I regularly prayed had let me down, and I was clear: I did not deserve this outcome. But, for my story I should tell you how, back then, I began viewing God in a new way…

I was raised Roman Catholic, but by this period in my adulthood, I had intentionally moved away from the idea of a God “out there,” separate and apart from me. Instead, over the course of many years, my belief in some interconnection between all things blossomed. I began to imagine God as present everywhere, in everything, all knowing and all powerful — I saw God as the universe itself.

Despite this evolving shift in my belief system, I somehow viewed God as both a giver — and a withholder. I was oblivious to my own view. In addition, I was associating with people whose beliefs included the notion that God is love. Although “love” remained without meaningful definition, I sort of bought into that idea. So, when this all-powerful force who is supposed to be love itself and have all love for you, allows you to crumble in failure, the pain of the letdown can be tough.

…this sort of letdown is really bad because it can cause a loss of faith, or worse, a complete disbelief in a higher power.

It hurts because of the material failing, like my lost deal. For many of us, the pain might stop there. But my experiences taught me something more — that this sort of letdown is really bad because it can cause a loss of faith, or worse, a complete disbelief in a higher power. With no universe, no God to beseech and trust, the sense of dejection and hopelessness becomes overwhelming. It is sad to think about how many of us may be driven to substance abuse, and even suicide because of such emotions. Although, through some blessing, I escaped that kind of bondage.

To be clear, the “failure” I describe was my own perception. It is how I saw it, and why not? The startup, my own creation, seemed driven into the ground by the event (on top of a series other tough breaks).

Remember, I saw God as the omnipresent, omniscient and omnipotent universe. If those attributes were true, then we would all be a part of that omnipresence, even our very thoughts would occur within that omniscience (see Exposing a Connection Between All Things). But I was not there yet. I am pretty sure my beliefs were mostly intellectual. In other words, I was not making any attempt to feel or sense any kind of divine presence. I did not know I should.

At the same time, I held a view of God as something with the characteristics of a person, able to give and take away. Looking back, I think all this comes across as a screwy mishmash of beliefs. Maybe it was. But I know now that my beliefs were progressing through continuing spirals of change.

How did it end up? To begin, the divine did not fall through. I learned a lot about business and failure, and I eventually sold the assets of the company. After that heavy door closed, a series of serendipitous occurrences brought me to a new and marvelous threshold — that of helping bright innovators and scientists translate their work into practical products and ideas.

The funny thing is, I had always loved science as a kid and as a student; without knowing it, I had abandoned this big part of me. I have remained with this opened door, translating science and technology, and helping create successful startups.

might the very nature of this divinity be such that it is forever tuned to our every thought and word…?

If it is true, and I believe it is, that God is all-knowing and present everywhere, then more than just containing us — might the very nature of this divinity be such that it is forever tuned to our every thought and word — that it always receiving from us, its antenna always up? Many of us make time for praying, but outside of those moments, we go about our lives as if our other thoughts and words have little to do with prayer. What if they do? What if, from the perspective of the divine, there is no starting or ending point to “prayer time”?

That would mean everything we think and say, consciously or otherwise, is going out into the universe as prayer. That is a big deal if you think about it. And, if you are at all like me, this includes a lot of stuff I did not want to be praying for. One of my teachers, Martín Prechtel, says that, more than beseeching, our words feed the Holy, that we have a responsibility to always speak with words of beauty and eloquence in order to sustain life, the world, and even all that we cannot see.

…there is a stream in which we flow, and it is greater than ourselves.

While beseeching God back then, I still wanted to believe I was behind the wheel in my life. I see now that I was, and I wasn’t. I had a role in the deal falling through, and given what I just offered about prayer encompassing all our thoughts and words, I think that role extended beyond what I had imagined.

It seems to me that there is a stream in which we flow, and it is greater than ourselves. Some people call it divine will. And while we cannot fight the current, I think we can still steer within it. So I was, and am, holding the wheel in my life, but it is in a stream whose course is bigger than me. I am not now, nor have I ever, steered solo. I am “co-steering,” co-creating.

My deal fell through, divine will or not. Today, in a world that seems to be growing increasingly isolated and exclusionary, a world which changed in an instant because a virus leapt from an animal to a human, the stream has radically altered course and taken on new force. Maybe now, more than ever, the time has come to approach a new understanding of the role — and power — each of us has as co-creators within a turbulent stream.

Russ Donda is a coauthor of the book The Believer’s Brain: Home of the Religious and Spiritual Mind. An inventor on 21 patents, he is a serial entrepreneur, translates science for a living, and serves as an entrepreneur-in-residence and board member for technology startups. He has new book in progress.