My Life Was Changed Forever

30th April 2022

Mother was so young and full of life, I thought I would always have her.

Maybe not forever. Everybody dies, but never on earth did I think it’d be this soon. It never crossed my mind that I’d have to lower Mom’s lifeless body in the sand and say goodbye to her forever at such a young age.

She was only 57.

One Saturday morning, she got in the car with my brother to move our things from the old house to a new apartment we had rented. My father and siblings would meet her at home later that evening, and they would attend church together the next day as one, big happy family.

She never arrived.

Everything about that day has become like a blur to me, but I can still remember vividly the moment I got the news of Mom’s death. It was the worst news of my life.

I was on a trip with my girlfriend. We had been planning this trip for a long time, so I really wanted to enjoy it. On the last night of the trip, just as we were rounding up and packing our things, I saw some missed calls from my brother. He had also left me a text to call him back. My brother never texts me to call him back. In my family, we just assume that when you see a missed call, you will call back as soon as you can. I immediately knew something was wrong.

I hadn’t talked to my family much in the past month. I told Mom I was taking some time off. As usual, she was very understanding and didn’t bother me much again.

But this Thursday, I felt a very strong urge to call Mom, and so I did. If she was worried about me, she didn’t let it show. I asked her how she was, apologized a little for my break, and promised her to call my dad and check on him too. That was the last time I would ever talk to my mom.

She died on Saturday.

Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. What a difference one day can make! I keep asking myself; what if I didn’t oblige to my urge and call her on Thursday? I don’t know if I would have ever forgiven myself. But I don’t want to think about this. I am glad I called her.

Maybe that last call was the universe pushing me to say my final goodbye.

I can’t remember if I told her that I loved her or not, but I’m sure she knew it. I am torn between saying I loved her and I love her because it’s hard for me to talk about her in the past tense — I can’t get used to it.

After I heard the news of her death, I cried all night. That was the beginning of the horrible weeks that followed.

The night I got that horrible phone call, I was staying in the vintage Airbnb apartment I booked for my trip. There was a nice stone on the shelf, just in front of the neat rows of books. I took the stone as a memorial to her death. I left a piece of me in that apartment, I had to take something in return, something to make me remember what I lost there.

I don’t know if the host noticed that her stone was gone. She never called me, so I guess it’s ok.

Even today, I have the stone. I go with it everywhere I travel. For me, it’s now a part of my story. It reminds me of Mom. I know it sounds silly but when I travel with it, I feel like I keep Mom close to me.

Last month at the airport, the officer at the security check was very surprised. He wanted to know why I had a stone in my bag. I told him it’s a memorial to my mom and it means a lot to me. I could see the look on his face, it was the look of shock and compassion all mixed into one. He asked his colleague if it was ok to fly with a stone. After some minutes, he came back and told me that I was allowed to fly with the stone. I was so relieved.

These days, life is better. I don’t cry anymore like I used to. Life is different without Mom. I had to rethink my life and make so many decisions. Life is short and unpredictable; I don’t want to waste my time and life doing things I don’t like or things that don’t bring me meaning and value.

The world was much better with Mom in it. She was kind and compassionate. She was a good woman. Her loss left me devastated. I am wounded and hurt, but I guess life has to move on.

I am determined to use the pain and hurt as ingredients to make my life better, but also the lives of those around me. If I can show kindness to my neighbours, Mom will be proud of me wherever she is. She would want me to be strong, to look forward to the future, and to make the best of every day.

She taught me that the beauty of life is not about how much wealth you accumulate, but in how much good you can do with the little you have. She would want me to be a good person, just like she was.

Life is different without her, but life has to move on.