CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?

The Day My Cellphone Became a Landline

Distracted state of mind

“Mom! You’re so distracted when you’re on your phone,” my son said. “Even when you’re just holding it, you’re not present.”

He’s not wrong. I have a crush on my iPhone. It’s all I think about. Even when I'm not on it, I can’t focus on anything else. The world evaporates around it like it’s the only inanimate object I can sense.

What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with you? What’s wrong with any of us? Is there a doctor in the metaverse to help us with our cellphone problem?

Don’t be ashamed. We all treat our cellphones like fresh new lovers. Without the sex, but we’re embarrassingly attentive to them. Maybe our hearts aren’t racing. Maybe our nethers aren't trembling, but we’re hyper-alert to their existences.

I know it’s politically incorrect to say but “You are your cellphone’s bitch.” I can say that because I am also my cellphone’s bitch.

I‘m coming clean. I’m not gonna pretend I’m a Luddite anymore, craving a landline like a Mennonite.

I’m cellular, baby. My cellphone is my morphine drip, my binky, my secret lover, my fidget spinner, my camouflage, my timer, my excuse to ignore you when I see you on the street, my email, my music, my movie, my phone, my wordle, my newspaper, my pedometer, my alarm clock, my audible, my kindle, my notebook, my library, my calorie counter, my social media.

Remember landlines? Some of you don’t. That’s okay. At least you know what record albums are now.

Do you know what never happened when we had landlines? A kid never said, “Hey mom. Whenever your landline is in the room, I feel invisible.” A landline was a plastic mound on the wall. It was as compelling as an unwatered Chia pet.

Do you know what else didn’t happen with landlines? People didn’t lift their phones off the wall and pretend to talk to people who weren’t there. They did occasionally, but only to talk to pretend Santa Claus when their children were behaving badly.

Yeah, Santa, It’s Mrs. Jones on Green Street. Kyle hasn’t done his homework in a week. You can skip our chimney this year.

But that was only under extreme conditions like Kyle eating the cookie dough before it had been baked, or Kyle putting moonshine in his mom’s coffee cup when he knew she was getting a breathalyzer that morning after school drop-off.

No one ever just unhooked their phone from the wall and held it to their ear, feigning important conversations so they could ignore their neighbors.

They did occasionally, but only if they’d had too much skunk weed at breakfast — and they couldn’t remember their neighbor’s name because they were too stoned — and their neighbor had said, “If you forget my name one more time, I’m not inviting you to my annual key party with the Playboy bunnies.” So, clearly, exceptions were made for noble causes.

In my day, when landlines walked this earth among the dinosaurs, a phone was a phone. It wasn’t a binky, an enabler, an excuse to not make eye contact.

People talked on them. They ordered pizzas on them. They made long-distance phone calls, which were expensive because somebody had to pay for the long phone cords that connected us through the oceans. People had to hide in coat closets for privacy if they wanted to swear when the children were around.

Nobody brought a landline into public restrooms. But, if they did, people would have freaked out. Why would anyone bring a landline into a public restroom? The cord isn’t long enough.

I am disgusted by how many people treat their cellphones. I am also uncomfortable with my own hypocrisy, so I’ve decided to make a change.

My cellphone is now a landline.

When I leave it at home, I will not panic as if I’ve left the oven on.

When I drop it under my seat, while I am driving, I won’t reach under my seat causing me to crash.

I’m not going to pretend every call is essential like NASA is going to call me and tell me they need me at Kennedy Space Center, ASAP, or I won’t get to go to the moon with that crash test dummy.

I’m gonna sit my phone down on that table and only pick it up when it rings.

One thing first though. I’m going to use my Google Maps Location Detector to see where my mom is right now. It’s nothing a landline could do, but since NASA put a Satellite up in space just so I could use Google maps, it’s the least I can do.

They spent 50 billion dollars on a space program so I could use Google Maps. Did you know that? It’s such a waste if I pretend there’s no Satellite in space. What am I? An animal? And then I want to look up a recipe for yogurt. There’s this girl who made yogurt in high school. What was her name? I’m gonna go look up my friends from high school on Facebook to see if anyone is friends with her. I wonder what everyone’s up to.

Wouldn’t you rather be laughing? Follow MuddyUm and Amy Sea