FANTASY HUMOR

I Rode Bareback with Lady Godiva

In the Costco parking lot

Once we pulled into the parking lot, I realized I had forgotten to wear my orthopedic shoes. When you’re my age, you don’t want to walk around on hard cement for very long, or your heels will ache.

“Esther,” I said. “You do the Costco shopping, and I’ll stay in the car. Take your time.”

She grabbed one of those extra-large shopping carts that a Chrysler could fit in and waddled into the store with about a thousand other customers with those same huge carts. Many of them were munching on a buck-and-a-half Costco hotdog with mustard dripping down their shirts.

I played a couple of games of Scrabble on the phone until I got sleepy. Then, I leaned back in the front seat of my Honda Fit and stretched my legs. The temperature was in the low 70s, and a few clouds provided a nice shade for a good nap.

It didn’t take long to fall asleep. I must have slept without interruption since my wife was not there to roll me over when I snored.

I had one of those dreams you’ll never forget. I dreamt I was a young man, had all my hair, and walked with a hop in my step because I didn’t have plantar fasciitis.

I strolled through a field of Van Gogh poppies, shirtless and carefree. I had a bronzed body with no belly fat. A pair of aviator sunglasses shielded my eyes from the sun.

It seemed like the happiest moment of my life. There I was, young and virile, standing in a beautiful field of poppies with Hobbits — Yes, Hobbits, a thousand of those tiny fellas. They were singing some high-pitched tune and had furry feet and large ears. They seemed friendly but appeared stoned on something.

It was a pleasant dream. I was a young man, had all my hair, and walked with a hop in my step because I didn’t have plantar fasciitis.

As I flexed my pecs and bulging biceps to impress the Hobbits, a beautiful, naked lady (herein referred to as Lady Godiva) rides toward me on a horse.

“Oh, my God,” I said to one of the stoned Hobbits. “Do you see what I’m seeing?” But we spoke in a different language, and he didn’t understand a word I said.

Lady Godiva had long, red hair and ample bosom, which meant she was pretty put together for a naked woman in a dream. What was more impressive was her white horse. It was so white it was surreal, like the kind Marc Chagall painted.

She rode toward me, imploring me to hop on. I didn’t bother turning around to see if it was someone else she was calling. I knew it was me because the Hobbits were ugly and couldn’t satisfy Lady Godiva’s sexual needs. In the dream, I was a stud, the spitting image of Tab Hunter, and probably just as well-endowed.

“Yes,” I said, very excited that I’d be holding onto her slim waist, copping a feel, and grinding against her with every bump of the horse.

Lady Godiva had long, red hair and ample bosom, which meant she was pretty put together for a naked woman in a dream.

And so I hopped on. It was a dream, and you could fly onto the horse without trouble. Next, we rose above the sky, galloping past the clouds, when Lady Godiva whispered something seductive in my ear. In so many words, she asked if she could fuck my brains out.

So, of course, I said yes. And right at the point when we were going to consummate the act while on a horse in the upper atmosphere, I heard another woman’s gravelly voice.

“Harry,” the voice shouted. “Harry!”

Startled out of the dream, I opened my sleepy eyes and saw this slovenly older woman wearing a housedress, barely recognizable. She didn’t have a slim waistline or long red hair like Lady Godiva. And she certainly wasn’t naked on a horse.

“Harry,” she said. “I got a good deal on Bayer Aspirin. But I was unable to find the wet Swiffer sweepers for the mop. Maybe we can get them at Smart & Final.”

© 2021 Mark Tulin

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