🙏💗SOUL SUNDAY

This Simple Phrase Rewired My Brain and Gave Me Back My Freedom to Choose

With these two words, you can give your inner martyr a punt

Did you grow up hearing your parents say the words “have to” a lot? Do you know someone who is perpetually busy, their to-do list multiplying seemingly overnight?

Do these people seem happy? Do they come across as grateful for their busy lives?

There were days I’d hear myself say, “I have to” about whatever was on my mental list of things to do. It could be grocery shopping, preparing a meal, throwing a load of laundry into the washing machine, or going to the dentist. I remember feeling dejected by the responsibilities I seemed to have little control over.

Our brains interpret information and thoughts at a rapid rate. They believe everything we think. When I said the words, I have to, my brain interpreted it as, Oh, she doesn’t have a choice in the matter. The world is acting upon her and there’s nothing she can do about it.

Those thoughts created feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and powerlessness inside me. I felt trapped inside a perpetual loop of I have to.

Childhood programming

I heard the, I have to come from my mother’s mouth from the time I began understanding language.

During Saturday morning cleaning sessions, she resembled a tornado spinning through the apartment and God help you if you were caught sitting still. You better have a good excuse for not helping out.

My mother was busy from morning until night. She worked as a waitress at the pub with my stepfather. She cleaned, cooked, and did laundry on weekends. She did for others every damn day and made sure everyone knew about it.

I can only imagine the resentment revolution that was brewing inside her. She kept a lid on it by venting and complaining about her lot in life to other women, including her daughters.

I was steeped in patriarchy and martyrdom. I watched the women in my family accept their role as victims, but other than complaining, do nothing to change their situation.

Making a different choice

I’m sad to admit that I followed my mother’s programming. I was asleep inside my belief systems and didn’t know any other way to behave. It took a lot of running into brick walls and hitting rock bottom more times than I’d like to admit before the lights of consciousness flickered on.

The past six years have been a massive growth curve. The familial programming that insisted I have to be a martyr and victim crumbled at my feet.

Internal locus of control

I uninstalled my inner martyr when I realized it’s up to me to act upon the world, rather than wait for fate to make decisions for me. I was done waiting for something outside my control to empower me. I could have been waiting forever.

The magic phrase

I am not going to tell you that I no longer do anything I don’t want to. On the contrary. I get a lot more done, be it for myself or others. The difference is that I rarely feel the old martyr wanting to vent.

I no longer have to do anything I don’t want to do. I don’t have to take care of my children. I get to take care of them.

I get to go grocery shopping because I have the money and the grocery store has food I can buy.

I get to make dinner because I want and choose to prepare healthy meals for myself and my loved ones.

I don’t have to make the bed, wash the clothes, or vacuum the floor. No! I get to do all these things because I choose to and I am capable and able of doing them.

I’m building the gratitude muscle each time I hear myself say, I get to.

I’ve also loosened my expectations about how clean the house has to be or cooking homemade, nutritiously balanced meals every night.

Some days, Keath and I throw a frozen pizza in the oven, or he makes his scrumptious tuna salad and we load it up with cheese for a tuna melt. I even have vegetarian frozen meals from the supermarket for my son to eat for my non-cooking days.

Today, I pride myself on being there for myself and when I do for others, it’s because I’ve shifted my thinking from martyrdom to gratitude.

Your turn

Say, I have to go to work and check in with the sensations the phrase creates in my body. Do you feel yourself shutting down?

Now say, I get to go to work. Check in with your body. What’s different? Do you feel the strength of empowerment? Do you feel the energy of choice pulse through you?

If you identify with the martyr or victim complex, you can choose to change. Find a good therapist. Join a support group. Look up a local chapter of Codependents Anonymous in your area or online. These are great resources that will shine a light on your childhood programming and give you tools for recovery.

In conclusion

A change in perspective can be as simple as changing the words we use. Replace the have to with get to and give your inner martyr its walking papers.

Thank you for reading.

Judy

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