The Day I Officiated at a Lesbian Wedding

After I posted a picture of the ceremony on my wife’s social media, within minutes, some tribe people unfriended her.

(Excerpted from my Memoir “Hearts Wide Open: Leaving Religion, Finding Faith” available on Amazon)

Why should a person not be able to marry the one that they love?

And what right do church folks have to lay some antiquated bible restriction on the love life of same-sex couples?

And what prejudice prevails in the hearts of Tribal sheep to view same-sex love as depraved and evil?

First of all, Evangelical Christianity is way out of step with cultural trends in the USA, where, in 2021, there was 70% nationwide support for same-sex marriage.

Next, their wacky interpretation of thousands of years old Scripture is way out of line with the intention of those writings, a record of divine/human encounters.

I do not allow a flat earth geography to keep me from sailing across the ocean, fearing that I will fall off the edge of the earth. In the same way, I do not make these ancient writings normative for my ethical and practical life.

As a straight male and former evangelical Christian, I did not awaken to same-sex love until the mid-1980s.

I once was a part of such a community as a pastor, talk-show host on Christian Radio, and Seminary professor where I trained psychologists.

And then,

The Marriage Ceremony

It was June 2013 when same-sex marriage (finally) became legal in California.

I was standing in the hot sun with Kris at a wedding in a vineyard north of San Diego. Sweating profusely and wearing a new suit for the occasion, I was about to witness the event of my life.

Our friend’s lesbian daughter and her partner were about to exchange wedding vows.

But, I was not an audience member.

I was the one who was licensed to legally declare them married.

After their vows, the excitement in the audience was palpable. The audience began to hoot and holler before I made my final declaration. I turned to the audience, raised my voice above the raucous cheers, and declared,

“I have been waiting for this day for years. By the authority vested in me by the State of California, I pronounce you wife and wife!”

Turning to them, I said, “You may now kiss each other.”

The audience roared and clapped in joy for this just-married couple. But there was a deep appreciation for this historical moment.

I wish I had added, “And by the still higher authority of a loving Presence, I pronounce you wife and wife.” Next time…

It was a big moment for California and banner day for a migrant from a church that would have summarily excommunicated me for officiating on such an occasion.

That ceremony was a watershed moment in validating what was spiritually important to me — the equality of all persons, no matter their background or sexual orientation.

There could be no compromise on my part. I viewed it as a validation of love and a human right.

I had crossed my Rubicon.

That was quite an event for someone timid to buck my old Evangelical system. I was on my way out of the door of the fold.

I knew that this event would be broadcast to my former church community.

Actually, I facilitated the news release.

The flack started coming my way after I posted a picture of the ceremony on my wife’s social media. Within minutes, some tribe people unfriended her.

I was hurt yet not surprised by such censure.

It was a first for me because way back in South Africa when I was a Baptist minister in the late 1960s, I knew nothing about homosexuality and gay marriage. And as for officiating at a same-sex ceremony, it was not in the cards.

That wedding was an outward sign of my religious metamorphosis,

My religion had now become a matter of the heart and not some head-generated constriction.

Intuitively I knew that my act of officiating was the right and just action to take.

I was no longer a part of a gated community of properly converted and church-controlled adherents.

I had slowly become aware of the oneness of all, in the words of the apostle Paul.

“There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is neither male nor female, for you are all one.”

Or a eloquently stated by Archbishop Desmond Tutu

In God’s family, there are no outsiders. All are insiders. Black and white, rich and poor, gay and straight, Jew and Arab, Palestinian and Israeli, Roman Catholic and Protestant, Serb and Albanian, Hutu and Tutsi, Muslim and Christian, Buddhist and Hindu, Pakistani and Indian — all belong