avatarLeonard Tillerman

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The Day I Finally Grew A Backbone

Conflict does not always have to be a bad thing.

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Are you a conflict-avoider?

Someone who will do virtually anything to avoid face-to-face confrontations. Instead, preferring peace of mind and serenity over the “in your face” nature of disputes. In essence, a genuine people-pleaser.

Perhaps you are the exact opposite. An individual who goes looking for a good fight. In your eyes, nothing makes you feel quite so alive as a no-holds-barred good old-fashioned scrap!

There is a third option of course. One that is not quite so extreme and far more productive. Namely, those who understand how to use conflict to reach deeper understandings and present fresh opportunities. Choosing to use it as a catalyst for growth.

For a good chunk of my life, I fell into the first camp. I would do absolutely anything to avoid conflict. Instead, I always wanted people to “like me” and would just go along with the flow so I did not rock the boat.

I am not making excuses for myself, but there are a number of valid reasons that I was like this. A traumatic childhood stands out as the most likely.

I grew up in an atmosphere where I was not liked much at all, and unsurprisingly, I had very low self-esteem. The end result was a true conflict-avoider.

Please just like me and I will do whatever you ask!”

Sound familiar? I sure hope not.

Needless to say, this did not end well. People enjoyed being able to push me around, but they never actually liked or respected me.

A tough realization to make, and one that did not come so easily. As has happened so often in my life, it required another traumatic event to help me truly see the error of my ways. It was many years ago when I was faced with just such a tragedy.

I saw a lot of very difficult things in my role as a school principal. It was a job I held for decades and it tended to throw an awful lot at you. The worst of the worst however was dealing with the death of a child. Something that I unfortunately witnessed five times during my career.

However, it was the very first one that changed me as a person and let me finally realize the true value and potential of conflicts.

It all happened back in 2007 when I was working as the vice-principal of a school. Anyone who knows about the inner workings of a school can quickly tell you that in most cases, the vice-principal is there to basically do the bidding of the principal. It is seen as “paying your dues” before you can get a school of your own.

When I showed up to work one snowy morning, I was immediately hit with the tragic news that one of our students had died the previous evening. He had been out on a frozen pond and broken through the ice and drowned.

The entire school community was in shock and the news hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew this child exceptionally well and spent many hours working with him and watching as he grew into a fine young man.

And now he was gone. Taken in an instant.

There was not much time for grief though as my principal instantly went into full damage control mode. Doing everything possible to distance the school from the tragedy and carry on with operations as “normally” as possible.

I was directed to make this happen.

This included denying the requests for absence from grieving teachers and ensuring proper lessons were being delivered within the classrooms. Anyone who did not show up to work would be docked a day’s pay.

No time was being provided to actually mourn as a community.

I refused.

For the first time, my people-pleasing tendencies had come to a screeching halt. Instead of taking the easy path and blindly following the misguided direction of my principal, I chose a different route.

I was not aggressive about it. Instead, I calmly explained the rationale behind my refusal. The school was in mourning and that needed to be our top priority. We needed to provide social work and support to the many students and staff who were impacted by this tragedy.

It did not go over very well!

I was essentially thrown out of her office and told to go make myself useful and patrol the hallways.

While this was not a great feeling, I was proud of myself for finally taking a stand. I drew a line in the sand and stood by it.

Later in the day, something quite magical happened. My principal came back to me to let me know she had reconsidered. She appreciated my honesty and agreed we needed to offer whatever we could to help the school community cope with our student’s death. I was to make this happen.

I am not sure what changed her mind, but it was a complete turnaround.

From that day forward our relationship changed. We worked together as more of a team and valued what the other brought to the table. Something that never would have occurred if I had not taken a stand.

Conflict had acted as a vehicle to not only strengthen our relationship, but also bring about meaningful support and understanding to our school community. Something that continued until the inevitable day that we parted ways.

I grew up a lot during that moment. I learned that it is never good to go looking for a fight, but also to never back away when the reason is just.

You can never please all the people all the time.

You can always do what is right, however!

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