The Day I Almost Lost My Virginity
Because I though sex would solve all my problems.
I’d been broken hearted since not receiving a reply to the letter I’d written to my boyfriend, Will. His silence made it clear he no longer loved me, and I felt I had no other choice than to turn my sights elsewhere.
I needed to find love, and this time I was looking closer to home.
In the fall of 1975, at age sixteen, I turned to the long-haired school dropouts, everything that was the opposite of Will.
Having survived a nervous breakdown, stable on the antidepressant Elavil, I no longer wanted to be associated with that sad girl.
No longer would I allow myself to cry over the loss of the southern boy I had so loved. I would get my life in order. Grow up. Become a woman. And becoming a woman meant losing my virginity.
I viewed myself as cool, and cool girls were not squeamish virgins.
Cool girls also did not get themselves in trouble like Debbie and I had gotten into the previous year when skipping school. This year, older and wiser, we would be careful to only drink and have fun during our lunch hours with the boys hanging out in the park.
Soon as the lunch buzzer rang, Debbie and I hurried off the school grounds and into the woods nearby, following the path to the ball field.
Fall leaves crunched beneath our sneakers as I rushed to get next to John, the guy that piqued my interest.
I wanted to give John the most special gift a girl could give a guy. The gift I’d wanted to give Will, but since Will had left me behind, everything would go to John. I’d give John that special something that would bind us together forever. I loved him even enough to give him my lucky green rabbit’s foot hanging from the zipper of my jacket.
It was my best friend Debbie who’d introduced me to these guys. She knew them from hanging out in town on the weekends. Her mother let her do the things my mother wouldn’t allow me to do. It forced me to find my freedom in small doses, any way I could.
We met up with the guys to drink beer in the noonday sun.
Lenny grabbed Debbie around the waist, lifted her off the ground, and carried her off into the bushes like a caveman.
“Wasting your time with her!” Dan shouted. The rest of the guys laughed.
Ricky and I sat next to each other on the tabletop. I played with a pine cone, picking it apart, glancing over my shoulder at John next to Dan on the other side, wishing that he wasn’t so shy and that he would grab me and carry me off into the woods.
“I’m sure nothing’s changed.” Ricky butted his cigarette out on the table. “Debbie’s still a cock-tease.”
The guys all nodded, even John. Even though she was my best friend, I smirked. They were right. I didn’t want that label on me.
Debbie came running out of the woods, her bra dangling in one hand, her other hand clutching her T-shirt over her breasts. Lenny followed, looking grim.
“Get any?” Dan yelled, then busted out laughing, as did the rest of us, except for Debbie, who gave me a hard stare.
“Fuck off, assholes,” Debbie said, turning her back toward us while she put on her bra and T-shirt. Lenny brushed past her, saying nothing.
Debbie sat on the bench in front of me, keeping her back toward Dan and John. I switched to sitting crossed-legged on the table top. Lenny stood by a tree. He flicked his Bic lighter and took a drag from his cigarette. His straight, shoulder-length dirty-blond hair was always on the greasy side. John got up and went over to stand beside him.
“What about you, Barbara?” Dan poked me in the back. “You a tease, too?”
“No.” I whirled and slapped his shoulder, then crushed the pine cone I’d been picking apart into his hair, pieces trapped in his thick black curls.
“Really?” Dan said. “That’s what they all say ’til you get ’em alone.”
“Fuck you, we’re not all the same,” I said, turning to enjoy watching him pick the pieces of pine cone from his hair, cursing me all the while he did so. He smoothed his hands over his hair to make sure it was in place.
The guys all teased Dan about his perfect hair. I turned and smiled at John, hoping he had liked the show I’d put on, hoping he knew I was a girl who wasn’t afraid. John’s hair was brown, straight, and down to the middle of his back.
“You know,” I said to Dan, “It all depends on who you’re with. Ever think of that?”
“Would you come across for me?” Dan grinned.
“No!” I said, “there’s no way I’d ever fuck you!”
“Woah,” Lenny said. “Guess she told you.”
“Me?” Ricky turned, pointing to himself. Quick, with a comeback, I said, “No one in their right mind would I touch either of you.”
Lenny and John clapped while Ricky and Dan turned their backs to me. I smirked. Debbie giggled. Ricky was even lower on the pecking order than Dan. The hot guys were John and Lenny; the other two, uninteresting.
“Would you for John?” Lenny asked, knowing better than to ask about if I would have sex with him, as we’d discovered we were second cousins, which meant there would be no romantic involvement between us.
“Yeah,” I said, “I would.”
“Oh, I just bet you’d do anything for John.” Dan sneered.
I ignored Dan and went to stand next to John, our backs against the tree. John’s face reddened. He handed me a beer. Ricky tossed the bottle opener over to me; it landed on the ground in front of my feet. Ricky was the least attractive.
Dan motioned for me to drink my beer. I stuck out my tongue, then tipped the bottle up and drank in one long swallow.
“Whoa! Way to go!” Ricky and Dan clapped.
“What do you think?” I elbowed John. He met my eyes. I tilted my head toward the woods. “Should we?”
“Yeah.” He nodded and downed the rest of his beer, tossed the empty aside. From the case on the ground, he pulled out two more bottles, grabbed the opener, and shoved it in his jean jacket pocket.
“Let’s go,” he said, heading off into the woods. I followed him down a path.
“Hey, hope you get lots!” Dan yelled.
“Yeah, hope she’s not a tease like her friend!” Lenny shouted.
“Fuck off!” Debbie said.
We kept walking until we could no longer hear them.
John became even quieter. Not what I’d hoped for; I’d hoped that he might become less shy once away from the guys.
He stopped by a tree with dry, comfortable pine needles beneath it. I scooted up beside him, stopped and stood close enough that our arms touched, not wanting to make the first move. I was relieved when he leaned in and we kissed, something he’d never do in front of the others.
He didn’t know that I was also shy. Just better at hiding it .
I welcomed his lips on mine, and his hand sliding over the outside of my shirt to my breast.
His moves were awkward. I tightened my arms around him. Half-drunk, we stumbled several times, almost losing our balance and falling. We stopped at one point and he opened a beer and passed it to me. He opened the other bottle for himself and we drank the liquid courage.
After finishing the beers, we tossed them aside and started kissing again, this time working our way down onto the ground.
Soon I found myself with my pants around my knees, John on top of me. He unzipped his jeans and attempted to enter me, but our bodies just wouldn’t connect. We couldn’t get one of my legs free from my jeans.
“Maybe we’re too drunk,” I whispered in his ear.
He agreed and rolled off. I staggered to my feet, pulled up my pants, and he turned away from me while doing up his jeans.
“Are you going to tell the guys I’m a tease?” I asked.
“No,” he said. “I’m telling tell them we did it and it was great.” He turned to face me, grinned, asked, “That okay with you?”
“Yeah,” I said, happy he wasn’t upset and going to call me a cock-tease in front of everyone.
“Come on.” He took my hand. “Let’s drive them crazy.” We stumbled out of the woods, laughing, like we’d just had the time of our lives. It made me love John even more.
The guys all asked if we’d done it, just as we’d expected. They cheered when John gave a thumbs-up.
Lenny slapped him on the back. Debbie glared at me like she didn’t believe it, but said nothing.
I left the park that day hoping the next time I was alone with John, we’d figure it all out.
I wanted to be close to him. Have sex with him. I believed it would make my life better. Make me happy. I had no idea about the misguided beliefs of youth, and the path I was on.
BARBARA CARTER is a visual artist and writer with a focus on healing from childhood trauma, alcohol addiction, and living her best authentic life.
She likes to take walks, read, watch TV dramas, and practice Qi-gong, and work on her memoir series BARBARA By The BAY. https://www.barbaracarterartist.com
