The Day After Halloween

If you are reading this, you survived this scary holiday! Be better prepared next year with these timeless tips that always work

The Halloween holiday is over now. If you are reading this, you are a survivor. This is the day after. You have fought back the undead walking skeletons, the ghosts and goblins, the vampires and witches, and saved the earth for another year. Whew!

They come in waves, they are already the walking dead, so it is hard to kill them. That’s always a problem when dealing with situations like this. All you can do is run and hide. That’s what I did.

I turned off all the lights and lay down on the floor so as not to attract any attention and prayed the storm would pass me by. It eventually did, at least in my quiet neighborhood.

You may be able to dismantle the skeletons with a baseball bat, use crosses to ward off the demons and drive a stake through the vampire’s hearts if they get too close.

This almost always works, but I would hate to miss. The only thing worse than a vampire is a vampire with a bad attitude because they are very revengeful.

You can chop off their heads with an axe, drown them, or shoot them with a silver bullet melted down from a crucifix blessed by the Pope.

It’s best to lay in a supply of these special silver bullets, axes, and vampire traps ahead of time, while the prices are marked down, sometimes as much as half off! Too late now, but there’s always next year.

It always pays to be prepared.

If you can lure a vampire into a trap, when the sun comes up you can simply expose them to the blessed rays of the sun the next day. It works every time. They are, after all, creatures of the night.

Great news about being a ghost hunter! After extensive research, I discovered a little-known cure for fighting off ghosts. Ghosts have no defense for salt! It is their kryptonite! This is a real newsflash.

Ghosts are repelled by salt and cannot cross a line made of salt. Rock salt is especially repellent to them.

Of course, if they have already possessed a person, you can always shoot that person with rock salt bullets and the ghost will be forced to flee back to their dark underworld. It may sound a little harsh, but it is very effective.

By the way, your friendly family pets, especially dogs are great ghost detectors, and so are cats. When they start barking or meowing frantically in the middle of the night, pay attention!

Your pets’ acute hearing and night vision allow them to be hyper-aware of all the things that go bump in the night. They can see them, hear them, and will do their best to alert you of the presence of ghosts.

They can see ghosts clearly and are quite fearless.

Witches have gotten a bad rap over the years. Most witches today are Wiccans and have become acceptable, almost fashionable in some circles.

If you run into a rare bad witch, you can do as our Puritan forefathers did and burn them at the stake. Or you can use an enchanted weapon to slay them, destroy their power source, or just drown them in a sealed bag.

For especially evil or powerful bad witches, Glynda the Good recommends squashing them with a house falling from the sky. That seems a little extreme to me, although it always works. Or just throw a bucket of water at them, that should do the trick.

Both methods were equally successful in The Wizard of Oz.

With just a little preparation and some timely after-the-holiday-season shopping bargains, you will feel and be more secure for next year.

Because when these assorted undead, vampires, ghosts, and witches return from their unholy lairs next Halloween, and we all know they will, you will be ready to rumble!

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Prepare! We are all connected…