Summary

The author, a 32-year-old divorcee, details her experiences with dating after marriage, emphasizing the creation and use of a checklist to evaluate potential partners based on qualities like respect, financial independence, intelligence, and religious compatibility.

Abstract

The author, who got married at 25 and divorced a year later, reflects on her post-divorce dating life and the lessons learned from past relationships. She emphasizes the importance of not being solely attracted to looks and shares instances where she encountered men online who engaged in inappropriate behavior, gold diggers who took advantage of her financially, and overly religious individuals who were judgmental. The author values intellectual connections, as demonstrated by her fondness for a younger engineer with whom she shared passionate discussions. She acknowledges the challenge of finding someone who meets all her criteria but remains hopeful, as she believes her checklist has helped her identify a promising partner who is respectful, financially independent, intelligent, and religiously compatible without being overbearing.

Opinions

The author believes that physical attraction should not be the sole basis for selecting a partner and advocates for deeper emotional and intellectual connections.
She has a strong stance against sexual harassment and emphasizes the importance of mutual consent in sexual relationships, having encountered men who engaged in unwanted sexual advances or conversations.
The author is against being financially taken advantage of in relationships, as evidenced by her experience with a man who exploited her generosity and failed to return borrowed items.
Intellectual compatibility and a shared passion for learning are highly valued by the author, as seen in her positive relationship with a younger engineer.
She appreciates a man with a clear career objective and a passion for his work, finding these traits attractive.
The author has a nuanced view on religious compatibility; she is open to dating religious men but is put off by those who are overly critical or impose strict dress codes on her.
Despite past disappointments, the author remains optimistic about finding a partner who aligns with her checklist, indicating that the checklist has been a useful tool in her dating life.

The Dating Checklists

What are the qualities I am looking for in my date?

Photo by Glenn Carstens-Peters on Unsplash

I am currently 32 years old. I got married when I was 25. One year later, I went through a divorce. My ex-husband was my first boyfriend and I never dated anyone before him. I dated him for 6 months before we got married. He was a handsome man and I guess that was the main reason I fell for him. I am the one who easily fall for looks. I mean who does not. After my divorce, I try not to be blinded by looks. That was when I make a checklist on the qualities of men I am looking for when I date.

Say No to Pervert

I came across some men online. I can say 60% of them love dirty talks. One even asked me what is the size of my bra. Another asked me, do I watched porn. The first thing that you want to ensure when you meet men online is that they are not a serial rapist. I want to make sure that I will be able to come home safely after dating.

I mean I understand that men love dirty talks. So do women. I believe that a couple should connect deeper with each other through the soul before you go wild sexually. Respect your women. Sex is something that should be mutually consented. If not, it is sexual harassment. There was one time I went on a date and the guy put his hand on my butt. Sorry, I crossed him from the lists.

Say No to Gold Digger

In 2017, I dated K, a guy who I think cared about me. We dated for 4 months. He was affectionate. He pick me to and from work. He called every night, met my parents, and make me felt very special. He told me that he works as an is event coordinator. However, he was always available. He always took me out for lunch and even travel with me when I need to work outstation. His availability make me started to question his job.

During our dates, I paid for the meals, I paid for his petrol, I paid for the movies and I even paid for the parking!

After a month of dating, he told me that he was having financial problems and asked me if I could assist him with his monthly car loan. I lent him a sum of RM700 (USD163) to pay off his debt. He promised to pay me the next month. A few weeks later, his notebook was broken. I lent him mine.

I guess you should have understood the word “lend”. It was supposed to be returned. After a few months, I asked him about my notebook and guess what was his answer? He sold mine without even asking! I was so pissed off. He even asked me to pay for his monthly car loan again!

That was the moment I decided to leave him. I crossed him from the lists.

Say Yes to Smart Men

In 2018, I met another guy. He was 4 years younger than me. But we have common interests. We can talk all day about politics, history, economy, and educations. We have a different perspectives but we connect through intellectual discussions. We find it fun to debate with each other. We always agree to disagree.

He was very passionate about his career as an engineer. Whenever he saw a unique structure, he will study the structure and how it was built. Sometimes he would explained to me about structural and design. Not that I am interested to know about structural nor design but I love to see the passion in his eyes whenever he talked about his job. I love men with a clear career objective and have a passion for his job. I found it very attractive.

Although I like him very much, he decided that we should just stay as friends. He got married last year and I always pray the best for him. We are still in touch. I respect our friendship and still enjoy intellectual discussion with him.

Therefore, yes, check to intelligent men.

Say Yes and No to Holy Men

In January this year, I met a very religious man. I thought I would always love this kind of man. But after a few weeks of getting to know him, he kind of irritate me. He saw my pictures on Instagram and told me that I should dress more decently. He had an issue with the way I wear my hijab and how I dress. He had an issue with me going out on appointments with male clients.

Yeah, of course, I would love to date a decent man with some a holy spirit. But this one irritates me much. So yeah, I crossed him from the lists.

Did my checklists work for me? If you asked me three months ago, my answer would be no. It is almost impossible to check all the lists. But today, I think I have found a man that check the above lists. He is not a pervert, not a gold digger, has a similar level of education and intelligence, religious but not irritating. Well, there are other criteria on the lists but the above are major.

I think the above checklists help me to identify the right man. Without the checklists I might dating the same types of men over and over again.