The Dating App Red Flags You Should Pay Attention to as a Trauma Survivor
Never underestimate your ability to overlook the obvious. Hit the pause button when you spot these red flags.
by E.B. Johnson
Being a trauma survivor is a strange place to be. You’ve been hurt by some of the people you love most, but still you crave connection and love. (Just like anyone else.) The problem is, however, that our trauma can condition us to look past some pretty serious red flags in dating and marriage.
While our peers learn how to spot healthy boundaries and healthy partners, our norm can be adjusted to seek the same toxic and traumatizing behaviors we’ve known before.
Before leaping into the dating pool, it’s important to be aware of some of our relationship insecurities. Learning to spot red flags early can save our hearts and our futures in powerful ways.
Dating app red flags you should always pay attention to.
As trauma survivors, we come with some blind spots that can really take us down with new love interests. Avoid falling into the same patterns and traps. Build up your awareness. Don’t dive into the world of digital dating until you stop to pay attention to these subtle red flags.
Pictures with their ex
Does your new match have a lot of pictures with their ex? It’s one thing to be friends. It’s another to flaunt their relationship while you’re looking for another relationship. Honestly, it’s distasteful at best.
This can show someone who isn’t over their ex, and it can also point to someone who is trying to recreate something they potentially still desire. Be cautious. You don’t want someone who is trying to squeeze you into a box that wasn’t made for you.
Zero pictures with others
There’re also red flags to pay attention to on the other end of this spectrum.
Have you matched with someone who has no pictures with anyone else? Maybe they’ve posted 5–6 photos, but they’re all of them alone in their bedroom. The same picture in different poses.
Tread carefully.
It’s easy to be drawn to “loners” or people we perceive to be alone or wounded when we’re trauma survivors. This behavior can indicate behaviors we’re not really looking to emulate in our own lives, though.
Make sure you spend more time getting to know them and what kind of self-fulfilling life experiences or relationships they may have.
Accessorizing people
The eternal loner is not the only person to approach cautiously on the dating apps and websites these days. You also have to watch out for someone who has too many pictures with other people (especially famous people).
Rather than having a fulfilling social life, this type of person could see the people around them as accessories.
They might use people to project a certain image, or value their social connections more than individuality and even their relationships. That could cause a problem if you’re looking for a serious and long-term relationship with consideration and minimal drama.
One-sided desires
Connecting with a new love match is exciting. That excitement drives us to learn more about one another, and to seek a deeper understanding of who the other person is and what they want.
Does your new love match only talk about what they want to do, what they like, or what they desire sexually?
Spoiler alert: that’s a red flag.
Someone who is interested in you for genuine reasons should want to get to know you. That means that they should make room to ask you questions, and to show interest in the answers that you give.
If they aren’t doing this, then they are out for one thing and one thing only: themselves (and whatever desires they have).
Moving too quickly
You might think that moving quickly is a sign of true, even “cosmic”, love. But you’d be wrong.
When someone moves too quickly, it’s a big warning sign. Maybe they’re trying to push you into a relationship to get something out of you. Or maybe they want to project an image they need you to complete.
It’s also a common symptom and early indicator of potentially abusive partners. That’s right. Narcissists, manipulators, and outright abusers often use this as a form of love bombing to trap you in a dangerous position.
Making demands
It should go without saying that a demanding partner — especially early in a relationship — is unacceptable and something to be cautious of.
We should never settle for someone who bosses us around or who undermines our wellbeing and higher nature. Partners are meant to lift us up, and to encourage us to live more honestly within our truths.
Someone who barks orders at you, who makes demands on your time, energy, body, skills…you must know how these behaviors erode both your self-esteem and your happiness over time.
Archaic outlooks
You’d be surprised what people are comfortable revealing on their dating profiles. For some, it’s become cute to brag about their worst and most outdated beliefs and qualities.
Qualities which hint at one-sided relationships, in which one partner is allowed and encouraged to subjugate the other.
Dealing with someone who brags about their partners being objects? Does their dating profile outline their desire to control you or to “place” you in their life?
People with these outdated relationships beliefs see partnerships as an accessory. Which means they will see you as an object or as property once they have you isolated and backed into a corner with them.
How to build better relationship patterns for ourselves…
We are living in strange and increasingly digital times. More and more, the connections we share and the relationships we foster depend on virtual spaces, and that includes our romantic partnerships.
It’s possible to find love online, but we have to be realistic and careful when it comes to red flags and the weaknesses implanted in us by our trauma.
Be authentic and don’t hide away those parts of yourself or those things which are critical to the future that you want. Unlike the real world, we can walk away from our online meetings without the expectation of seeing one another again.
Use this knowledge to get comfortable being yourself and don’t settle for less than you want and deserve. Cultivate the qualities you want to attract in a partner and don’t look to online dating to hand you the keys to your future.
Notice any red flags the first time and don’t let yourself be led astray when your intuition is screaming at you to run. When we listen to our authentic self, it gives us the answers we need.
Set your priorities ahead of time and know who you are and what you want. We can find profound love through online dating, but we have to get realistic about what relationships mean to us and never underestimate the power of taking our love into a real-world situation.
© E.B. Johnson 2022
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