The Dark Side of Being Nice — An Important Realization
If you’re a people-pleaser, someone who thinks of themselves as “being” nice, or know anyone in that regard then this one is for you.
Now, don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with being nice and being seen as such but could there be more to those of us who appear consistently helpful, always understanding, and never confrontational? In most cases and in my own experience, yes.
Dr. Robert Glover touches on this subject extensively in his book “No More Mr. Nice Guy” directed at the quintessential nice guy persona that runs rampant in our society. As he quite bluntly points out;
“Just about everything a Nice Guy does is consciously or unconsciously calculated to gain someone’s approval or to avoid disapproval” — Dr. Robert Glover
Sounds pretty harsh right? Unfortunately, it’s the truth and women aren’t immune from the “nice person” façade, either. Let me explain. If you have ever been nice at the expense of your true thoughts and feelings to save face, avoid conflict, keep someone happy, say what you think someone wants to hear, or win someone's affection, your niceness is flawed and disingenuine.
None of this is to say this is your fault mind you. Maybe your authentic expression was shamed by your parents and so you resorted to staying quiet to save face, maybe you suffer from an anxiety disorder that prevents you from speaking your truth without a vicious fight/flight response, or maybe you’re a human in the 21st Century that has grown up in a world that values saving face and following the herd.
However, in all cases, being overtly nice is detrimental not only to you but to those around you, too. I wanted to dive into two of the hallmark characteristics of the “nice person” persona with emphasis on how they can wreak havoc in your relationships. Have a read and see if any of these relate to you and if so, let’s work to move through it.
*Disclaimer as we continue,
I wanted to hone in on the importance of not beating yourself up as you read these hard truths. Hearing words like “manipulative” or “bad friend” can be difficult to hear for us people-pleasers as our intentions are generally well-placed but we’ve simply been misled.
No one can blame you for adopting patterns early on in your life as a result of trauma, shame, and blows to your self-worth. In fact, recognizing these patterns and reading this article is an incredible feat of self-actualization that should be applauded — you wonderful human. Remember this quote by Gloria Steinem as you continue to read,
“The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.”
All good? Let’s continue. The two hallmarks of the “nice” person persona…
1. Conflict avoidance
As Dr. Glover points out in his book and in the above quote, being overtly nice serves two core roles; getting something we want, and avoiding discomfort.
In the case of avoiding discomfort, overtly nice people will avoid speaking up when they ought to as a result of a deep-rooted fear of self-expression and low self-image. The discomfort that arises when the pressure is placed on them and conflict looms is enough to drive them into people-pleasing as an avoidance mechanism.
For example, maybe your friend is asking for an honest opinion on their behavior regarding a recent confrontation with a co-worker. Having heard the story, you refrain from telling them their behavior was wrong fearing disagreement. After all, already fragile in your own self-worth, any other potential attack would be detrimental to your wellbeing. Instead of being honest, you resort to being the people-pleaser and the “nice” person to avoid your own anxiety around speaking your truth.
The problem here is that our logic is flawed. What seems like a nice gesture in keeping your friend happy is actually disingenuine and unhelpful to them. A truly nice friend would tell them the truth as none of us are perfect and we all have our faults — but instead, we choose the easy way out in saying what we think they want to hear.
At its core, the act is far from good-willed as we’re only doing it to make ourselves feel better in avoiding our own anxieties. It’s selfish and anything but nice. Not to mention our worries are merely speculative; we can’t predict conflict will in fact arise but our fear drives us anyway.
The take-home here: “Nice” people will hide their true feelings and resort to people-pleasing to save face and avoid conflict.
2. Covert Contracts
The term covert contracts was coined by Robert Glover to describe the actions we take in the form of being nice that serve one purpose; to get what we want. They come to fruition when we over-identify with our “nice person” persona. Once again our intentions are ill-willed as behind our actions is the hope for a specific outcome -its intended manipulation.
For example, maybe you’re dating someone who’s emotionally unavailable and showing signs of disinterest. Your anxiety around conflict and subsequent avoidance stops you from confronting them and instead you play it cool; saving face, continuing to priorities them, and buying them gifts. Despite your best efforts, however, they inevitably end up breaking things off and rejecting you and the results are cataclysmic.
“How could they reject me? I kept it cool, refrained from causing a scene, showed up for them and they still don’t want me?” We may say to ourselves, or to them if our anger boils to breaking point.
Once again our perception is flawed. We truly believed that self-sacrificing our own feelings to save face would lead to success. That if we didn’t speak up despite feeling disrespected, we could win them over. The truth is we can never influence someone else’s behavior and they will do as they choose regardless of what we want or don’t want.
This makes the concept of covert contracts entirely pointless and makes a case for staying true to yourself. If there’s one thing I have realized in the past 3 years of personal growth, is the importance of expressing your true thoughts/feelings.
Ironically when we start doing so, we’re more likely to get what we want. Have a think of times in your life where you’ve been nice expecting a particular result only to find your expectations were wrong.
Your Authentic Expression MATTERS
The unfortunate truth behind being overtly nice is that it bars us from being ourselves. We avoid speaking up, we subconsciously make covert contracts and over-identify with being nice to the point of losing complete touch with who we actually are.
We are human and with it comes a spectrum of emotions that need to be expressed. With it comes the necessity for us to have boundaries; to say what is right and what is wrong and communicate that to those around us. When we hide behind being nice we stop others from seeing who we truly are and with it, hinder our ability to connect.
Underlying self-worth problems is of course the barrier between who we’re showing up as and our true self. If we start asserting boundaries what would others think of us? What would we think of ourselves? Brene Brown had this to say after years of work in the field of vulnerability and boundaries,
“It was absolutely shocking to me that the most compassionate people I have interviewed over the past 13 years were absolutely the most boundaried” — Brene Brown
Being nice is not self-abandonment. Being nice is not hiding the truth to make someone, or ourselves, feel better. Being nice is being honest, open, and expressing. It’s saying what’s right and what’s not. Together let’s work on scrapping the “nice” person mindset and shifting into radical self-acceptance.
Follow the page for more.
-Above The Middle