THE DANGER OF SAYING ‘YES’ TO LIFE.

‘The one who walked always backwards and lived in a barrel’, I answered. As an online life coach, I’m usually the one who gets to ask the annoying questions. So when a potential client recently returned the favour by wondering which philosopher I identified most with as part of my coaching practice, I panicked. Luckily, having worked in politics for fifteen years, I have a response ready for everything — mostly the wrong one — and I continued:

‘He (Diogenes) always sounded like a trooper to me. He may have been a cynic, but he was a hippie at heart with a sense of humour. He also loved screaming obscenities and exposing himself in public. The story goes he killed himself by holding his own breath. Practical man.’ A well-considered reply, I thought, but our conversation ended shortly after. Being a rather practical man myself, conceptualising isn’t my strongest point and philosophers don’t capture my imagination in quite the same way as the Real Housewives do, for instance.

Nevertheless, her question rattled me, so I gave it some further thought. It occurred to me that the message I try to get across in my work is mostly one of simplicity — in behaviour by doing less (essentialism); in ownership by getting rid of more (minimalism); and in one’s mind by worrying less about things we don’t control (stoicism). So, in this first article of a three-part series on leading simpler, more meaningful lives, I’m honing in on the idea of essentialism. I’ll borrow rather heavily from Greg McKeown’s excellent bestseller on this topic. I’ll also serve you with nine practical tips on how to edit most non-essential commitments out of your life. If the idea of leading a simple life causes you hives, you might want to close your eyes while reading.

The danger of saying ‘yes’ to life

Most of us grew up believing that ‘saying yes to life’ is the key to happiness.

‘Life’s too short’; ‘good opportunities never present themselves twice’; ‘say yes now and you’ll figure out how later’ — you’re only ever one semi-naked Instagram post removed from a tired cliché.

Often heavily promoted by the personal development industry, the idea is that you should never let opportunities go to waste. It sounds fair enough, but this approach to life is leaving most of us exhausted, directionless and on the edge of a burn-out.

Dinner on Saturday night with Suzanne and her boring husband who keeps goading you with his views on climate change? Sure hun, what time? Meeting a potential client with zero budget who’d like to pick your brain quickly over coffee? Of course, I’ll spend two hours of my time for free. I’ll pay for the coffees too, shall I?

The belief that we can (and should) do everything makes us chase one commitment after the other, without much concern about where any of those doors may be leading.

We end up feeling busy all day ticking off a never-ending to-do list which usually no longer gets looked at after a while. We also develop a chip on our shoulder about not wanting to disappoint anyone by saying ‘no’.

It’s often pretty obvious when we’ve overcommitted. Signs include cutting down on your sleep; putting in more time at work, yet getting less done; neglecting to eat; must-do items falling down your list; or making basic errors.

Except for one clear exception which I’ll talk about later, most of us would benefit from a complete priority overhaul. This involves editing out all non-essential goals, events and commitments which are clogging up our diaries and mental bandwidth.

The reason why so many people plateau at work

Describing it as ‘the paradox of success’, McKeown identifies a pattern in why so many otherwise successful people fail to break through to the next level.

Imagine that after a couple of years, you gain some initial success and expertise doing what you do at work. You find yourself becoming the ‘go-to’ person for that particular skill or topic.

You also happen to be a nice fella or gal who’s gradually established a reputation as someone always happy to advise and chip in. Because of that reputation, you now get presented with an increasing number of opportunities to demonstrate just how good you are at this thing you do so well.

Your ego gets fed — rightly so — and so does your sense of significance — nothing wrong with that. But because of those additional demands on your energy and time along with your inability to say no, you’re starting to spread yourself rather thinly.

This gets worse until eventually you’ve become so far removed from what you were good at in the first place, that your pursuit of success has become a catalyst for failure.

Your success has distracted you from focusing on the few essential things that produced it in the first place.

And that is the reason why people plateau. As McKeown says: “Your skills may have matured, but your criteria for saying yes to things haven’t.”

The benefits of doing less, but better

Instead of the undisciplined pursuit of more — which is what most of us subscribe to — McKeown suggests an essentialist approach which encourages the disciplined pursuit of less, but better.

Why less?

Because by investing your limited time and resources into fewer activities, you’ll end up making a lot of progress in the two or three areas you most care about, instead of making a little bit of progress in many different areas.

And why better?

Essentialism encourages you to make the wisest possible investment of your time and energy, so you start operating at your highest point of contribution. That means shifting your attitude from agreeing to every suitable opportunity, to saying yes only to excellent opportunities.

Instead of complying with every request that comes your way, you use very explicit and narrow criteria to determine whether it is exactly what you’re looking for.

So if something is just about or almost right, you should always decline. Or, unless it’s a Hell yes!, it has to be a no.

Remember that every choice has an opportunity cost attached to it, which is the price you pay for not having made a different choice. So imagine life as a video game. Ask yourself which achievements you’re leaving unlocked by pursuing a route or scenario that may not even have been your choice in the first instance.

Only a few things in your life truly matter to you. Indeed, the famous Pareto principle says that 20 per cent of your input produces 80 per cent of the output.

So, figure out which of your commitments fall within that 20 per cent bracket and focus your efforts almost exclusively on those.

What should you say yes to?

Being ultra-selective in your choices can be hard unless you have a clear sense of direction and purpose about what it is you’re pursuing. After all, you may be able to do anything, but you certainly can’t do everything.

To get clear on what that purpose might be, McKeown encourages you to ask: “If I could be truly excellent at only one thing, what would it be?”

This question is great because instead of wondering what you want to get rid of, you ask yourself what you want to go big on.

Spend some time on your own or with a friend, colleague or coach writing down several specific and deliberate outcomes you want to achieve in the next few weeks, months and years. Better even, write a detailed vision for yourself which is measurable, meaningful, inspirational and concrete all at once.

This ‘statement of essential intent’ as McKeown calls it, then serves as ‘the one decision which will eliminate a thousand later decisions’.

There are, however, two clear but time-limited exceptions when it comes to taking an essentialist approach to life.

The first is when you’ve recently graduated and haven’t got the foggiest idea of where your interests lie. In this case, it’s crucial you cast your net as wide as possible before pinning yourself down by getting hands-on experience in many areas.

When you’re at this stage, you shouldn’t get hooked on the idea of finding your passion and turning it into your profession. Most of us aren’t passionate about anything that’s ever likely to pay the bills. And quite frankly, everything sucks quite a lot of time anyway — no matter how excited you are about it.

So, instead of finding your ‘Eureka!-profession, focus on finding something you enjoy doing and can become good at. If that also happens to be something the world needs and is willing to pay for, well that’s your Hell yes! right there.

The same applies if you’re feeling a little lost or if you’ve decided on a new chapter in life which you’re not quite sure yet what it’s going to look like. Allow yourself a period of exploration, playfulness and broadening your experiences before returning to a default essentialist position.

Anyone else has no excuse but to edit some of the unnecessary noise and commitments out of their lives.

Here are nine straightforward tips on how to do that.

Tip #1: Stop going with the flow

Being the kind of person who likes to go with the flow does make you sound rather cute. Just remember that if you don’t deliberately choose where to focus your energy, other people — partner, kids, colleagues or bosses — will be making that choice for you. You might not always like what they come up with.

Tip #2: Apply the 90 per cent rule

As you evaluate a decision or an option, consider the single most important criterion for that particular option. Then give it a score between 0 and 100. If it is rated lower than 90, automatically change the rating to zero and forget about it as an option.

Tip #3: Pause before you say yes

Next time you catch yourself about to say ‘sure hun, that sounds lovely’, ask yourself if it is essential. Better even, go through your diary right now and run through your commitments. Find a polite way to talk yourself out of the ones which are unlikely to add anything to your most important goals. Then pat yourself on the shoulder for remembering the opportunity cost of merely going along with other people’s wishes.

Tip #4: Don’t rob people of their problems

If you’re tempted to say yes to a non-essential request from someone, remember that their problem isn’t necessarily yours. By agreeing to take a problem away from someone, you can enable helplessness by removing people’s ability to solve it themselves.

Tip #5: Put boundaries in place

Just like a toddler needs physical and verbal fences to indicate what’s acceptable and what isn’t, so do those around you. Putting some barbed wire around your priorities. That will stop boundary bullies and time-wasters from peeing all over your toys.

Tip #6: Practise extreme preparation

Start to think of yourself as the Bear Grylls of planning by remembering that extreme preparation is the key to success. You don’t have to go as far as eating a yak’s eyeball. Instead, prepare for the unexpected by building in plenty of time in your diary for slack and buffers.

Tip #7: What’s important right now?

Always ask yourself, what is important right now? By tuning into the answer, you’ll remind yourself that it’s impossible to concentrate on two things at once. You might indeed be able to multi-task, but contrary to popular belief, nobody’s able to multi-focus.

Tip #8: Say no most of the time

This is about protecting your most valuable asset — your ability to make choices. The point is not to say no to everything. It is to say no to all the non-essentials so that we can say yes to what truly matters.

Tip #9: Focus on the small wins

By setting huge goals and trying to accomplish them all at once, you’ll probably flare out quite quickly. Instead of going for massive, in-your-face wins in areas which don’t really matter, focus on small, straightforward gains in a few essential areas. Those small, concrete successes will help you built momentum and confirming faith in your future progress.

Summary

You don’t need to live in a barrel to experience the happiness that comes from living a life of simplicity and purpose. But you may need to make some significant tweaks to how you commit your time and headspace.

Remind yourself who’s really in charge by setting clear boundaries on your time and preventing others from prioritising life for you.

By pursuing less, but better, you’ll stop rushing through a schedule filled with activities that don’t serve your goals. Choose more deliberately who or what you say yes to — and most importantly, why. This will allow you to free up the bandwidth necessary for making huge progress in the two or three areas that truly matter to you.

In the words of one of the Real Housewives: ‘If one’s life is simple, contentment has to follow.’

It may have been the Dalai Lama who said that but either way, you might want to tattoo that on the back of your eyelids.

Now that I have your attention, may I keep it?

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