The Dallas Cowboys: All Hat, No Cattle

I’m a man of simple things. It doesn’t take much too please me.

Among the things that please me the most in life include:

• Anytime I get to turn off the air conditioning.
• Terrible movies that are terribly rewatchable.
• The buzz from my morning cup of coffee.
• An attractive, “top-heavy” woman wearing a low-cut shirt.
• The happiness and serenity on my dog’s face when he sleeps in our bed.

… and anytime the Dallas Cowboys lose a football game.

Given that latter point, I pray that, in his growing obtuseness, Cowboys’ owner Jerry Jones continues to retain Jason Garrett as the head coach of “America’s (Most Hated) Team,” and Scott Linehan as its offensive coordinator.

Of course, Ol’ Jerral Wayne is probably quite fine with the work Garrett is doing. After all, Dallas has had only one losing season with Garrett as its head coach, and they’ve won the division twice in the past four years. Oh, and most importantly (to him), the Cowboys remain the most valuable professional sports franchise in the world.

But whether he’s too busy making trips back and forth to the bank to care, too happy with the fact that Garrett is a lap dog/yes man of a head coach, or too disoriented from the numerous botox injections likely starting to seep into the front lobe of his brain, Jones remains oblivious to Garrett’s (ample) shortcomings, and all the red flags surrounding the current iteration of this Cowboys team.

As former NFL General Manager Michael Lombardi likes to point out, Garrett’s biggest — and perhaps only — contribution to his Cowboys team is his love for clapping.

What’s Garrett’s plan to change the fact that the Cowboys have yet to win a postseason game during his tenure? More clapping.

What’s Garrett’s plan to help scheme up a way to get his group of wide receivers, which is the least-talented in the NFL, to get open for his quarterback? Definitely more clapping.

What’s Garrett’s plan to help develop the team’s starting quarterback, who looks like he’s been continually regressing since his rookie season? Can I interest you in more clapping?

What’s Garrett’s plan to patch up the Cowboys’ offensive line, which was supposed to be the team’s strength, but has been ravaged by injuries? Gotta have more clapping.

What’s Garrett’s plan to work with Linehan to diversify an offense that’s become increasingly predictable and stale?

Wait for it…

… more clapping.

I’ll temper my enthusiasm towards the Cowboys’ demise, and remind myself again to not overreact to Week 1 of the NFL season.

But considering the Cowboys have known they would be playing the Carolina Panthers in the opening game of the 2018 season, you have to wonder what the Cowboys’ coaches were doing for the past four month?

Against the Carolina Panthers last week, the Cowboys mustered a grand total of 232 yards of total offense. That included quarterback Dak Prescott failing to throw for more than 200 yards for the seventh time in his past nine games, running back Ezekiel Elliott running for the third-lowest in-game total of his career (69 yards), the Cowboys converting just two of 11 third down attempts, and Dallas not even crossing the 50 yard line until the third quarter.

By comparison: Aaron Rodgers had more yards passing in the second half of Green Bay’s win over Chicago (273) than Dallas had total yards over the course of the game.

If you want to blame their depleted group of wide receivers, the surprising retirement of Jason Witten, and the obviously unforeseen medical conditions pertaining to center Travis Frederick and guard Zach Martin, go right ahead.

But the fundamental issue is that Linehan’s offensive scheme is unable to scheme Prescott into becoming more comfortable over the course of the game, unimaginative in the way they utilize their best player in Elliott, and totally unsurprising to anyone who’s played with — or against — the Cowboys.

I trust Dez Bryant less than I trust anything that comes out of the mouth of a politician running for re-election, but there was plenty of truth in Bryant’s Twitter-ridicule of Linehan’s “garbage-ass playcalling” (those tweets have since been deleted).

Again, I recognize it’s just one game. I recognize that the Cowboys are hosting the Giants on Sunday evening, and that Dallas is 3–1 against New York the last four times they’ve played in Dallas. I also recognize that Dallas’ defense is quietly emerging into one of the better units in the league, thanks to a young and talented secondary, and one of the best pass rushers in the NFL in Demarcus Lawrence.

But as someone who greatly enjoys their demise, I sleep a little better at night while Garrett and Linehan are employed by the Cowboys. Asking them to produce something noteworthy with the current personnel they have on offense is like giving a couple of kindergarten students a bunch of expensive paints, fancy paintbrushes, and an expensive easel, and hoping that they’ll produce a couple of Rembrandt’s.

Week 2 Picks

Baltimore (-1) at Cincinnati — Pick Made Last Night Indianapolis at Washington (-6) Carolina at Atlanta (-5.5) Minnesota (-1) at Green Bay LA Chargers (-7.5) at Buffalo Houston (-2) at Tennessee Kansas City at Pittsburgh (-4.5) Miami at NY Jets (-3) Philadelphia (-3) at Tampa Bay Cleveland at New Orleans (-9) Arizona at LA Rams (-13) Detroit at San Francisco (-6) New England (-1.5) at Jacksonville Oakland at Denver (-6) NY Giants at Dallas (-3) Seattle at Chicago (-3.5)

Last Week: 11–4–1