Distributed to #SELF

The Daily Struggle Of Emotional Setbacks In Trying Times

These days it seems people are fighting all kinds of internal battles. My story might resonate.

This morning I got up feeling quite down. I had an emotional setback yesterday that’s left me slightly raw. I’m going to share my story in the hopes that it can be helpful if you’re feeling a bit lost or out of control these days.

Without going into detail, a friend triggered me yesterday, in the course of a regular conversation, and I went off on her. I didn’t even realize I was doing it until she said, “Whoa! Hold on, why are you being so aggressive?”

When she said that, I was surprised.

I didn’t think I was acting aggressive, I thought I was just stating my opinion. From inside my head, I was just talking. Her husband, who was also there, agreed with her.

My mouth went dry, and suddenly somewhere in the back of my brain, I was sliding around on an emotional ice rink, desperately trying to find my footing.

It was scary and disorienting, not being able to process what was going on and the more I told them I wasn’t angry, the angrier I sounded and suddenly I realized I was triggered.

All my life, I was told that I was responsible for the problems of my severely dysfunctional family. Being scapegoated left me with significant emotional scars. Being wrongly accused is traumatic for me.

Eventually, the conversation ended, and I got back into the car where my daughter was waiting. I asked her if I sounded aggressive, fully expecting to hear her tell me that they were just misunderstanding me, but she said, “You were really harsh.”

That was a shock.

I’ve always known that on occasion people misread me, I will say something to a shop clerk or stranger, and they will act offended. It’s often baffled me as to why people respond this way towards me.

This episode reminded me that self-awareness is an ongoing project.

Being told, at the moment that I was being aggressive enlightened me to how this trigger translates to the outside world.

As it was happening, I became aware, at that moment, of something I’d never noticed before. It was as though a veil was being lifted.

I noticed a feeling that usually just “happens”, I had never realized that it was the trigger kicking in, something inorganic to my personality, something I can track and control.

It usually just slips out unnoticed, melding with my personality, and ruining the moment. I thought it was just a personal flaw I had, something inherent that makes people dislike me.

This revelation was like a valve holding back a life’s worth of steam had finally been released. Something in that moment lifted. I changed.

The constant struggle with the emotional damage of my childhood is exhausting. Most days I’m fine, some days I’m not, now and again I have an epiphany.

This experience was one of those epiphanies.

I am grateful to my friend, who had the nerve to speak up and tell me what was going on. A true friend is someone who will tell you to your face what you need to hear. I am ever grateful for her candor.

When I realized I was wrong, I immediately texted them to apologize. I made sure that my daughter saw this as she had seen the exchange. I think it’s essential for our children to see us make mistakes and see us atone. It teaches them that pride is not the only path to strength.

I wanted my daughter to see that I knew that I was wrong and that I could admit it.

I also wanted my friends to know that I realized I was wrong and that I was sorry. These people are more family than friends, and they needed to know I got the message.

When I was growing up, there were only two modes for me: perfect and garbage.

I felt that I had to be beyond reproach, or I was garbage but my family labeled me garbage anyway, no matter how hard I tried. Eventually, I decided I was garbage and for half a lifetime, lived up to the label.

My family seemed happier to have me around when I was an out of control, binge-drinker with a string of bad boyfriends. When I turned things around, married someone wonderful, and started over, they suddenly had no use for me.

I’ve had to resign myself to the fact that they need to pretend that I’m the problem so they can present a united front. It was a strange coincidence that as I became more grounded and healthy, their lives fell apart. It was as though without me to scapegoat, they couldn’t function.

So, that need to convince my friend to see the world my way wasn’t about the issue, it was about being acknowledged. It was about me convincing my family that I’m worthy. That I’m just as good as everybody else, and I deserve to be seen, heard, loved, and respected. I’m still that child that wants to be valued equally to my siblings, and be worthy of protection from scorn and ridicule. Somewhere inside, I must still be angry that it never happened and it never will.

The feeling of being discounted or passed over is what does it. That’s the trigger that conversation dug down to and I didn't’ even realize it.

It makes me shake my head that after years upon years of therapy, there is still another layer to this onion. I’m still a bittersweet mystery to myself, actively hurting and healing even now.

This episode was a helpful wake-up call. I need to be more vigilant with opinions. I have to remember that it’s not my job to convince anyone anything. We are all processing this weird, toxic period in history differently, and I am not the judge and jury.

I’m one person struggling to get by in a sea of people struggling to get by. I don’t need to steer the ship, I couldn’t if I tried.

There was a time in my life that an episode like this would cripple me for weeks. The rabbit hole of shame and self-loathing I’ve been known to fall down is deep and dark. But I have a daughter and husband to think of now, and I can’t let myself wallow in unhealthy emotions for very long.

I’ve made amends with my friends, they forgave me, and we’re moving on.

I’m grateful to have a friend who has the chutzpah to tell me when I’m going off the rails. Having someone who loves you enough to tell you the truth to your face is rare. I am lucky to have her.

So my game plan is to do what I can to get back on track. I write a lot about self-help, so I’m going to follow my own advice.

Even though I woke up a little depressed, I’m determined not to let it get the best of me. I’m going to take my own advice and do some EFT tapping to try to get back on track.

I’m going to do a positive tapping session so that rather than focus on the negative, I’m going to forgive myself and focus on the positive. Here is the link to the session I’m going to do in case you need a pick me up yourself.

These are trying times, none of us is perfect. When you have a slip-up, it’s easy to get caught up in depression and self-loathing, but the best thing to do is pick yourself up and move on.

The world is more confusing than ever right now. If you are off your game, you are not alone. Almost everyone is struggling in some way.

If you’ve had an unusual amount of conflict in your life in the last little while, try to make amends, if someone has hurt or offended you, try to forgive them. Lots of people are triggered and fighting internal battles you can’t see, you might be fighting one yourself that you are not even aware of.

Thank the people in your life who love you, forgive the people in your life that have hurt you, and, most importantly, forgive yourself.

If you’d like to read more articles that uplift and enlighten, join us here on ILLUMINATION. Here are some more excellent writers to check out: George J. Ziogas, Madoc Maduka, Jessica Cote, Charles Roast, Chris Hedges, Roxanna Azimy, Bill Abbate. Why not write for us? Bring your talent, courage, and insight, share your story and let’s do something great!

If you’d like to read some more stories by me, feel free to check these out: