Humor
The Daily Itinerary of an Out of Touch Influencer
Pilates, Erewhon, and Brand Deals

11:35 AM: The most important part of my job is looking good because really there’s only so much filters can hide. For this reason, I need at least 11 hours of beauty rest. You may think this is extreme but there’s a good reason I look like me and you look like — well, you.
12:35 PM: After scrolling through TikTok for an hour, I am ready to take on a very packed afternoon. First, I am contractually obligated to film a daily brand deal with an energy drink company that already has three lawsuits against them. Obviously, after every take, I spit out the drink because it tastes like dirt water.
1:25 PM: Next, I take my Tesla to my low-intensity pilates class where I shamelessly film myself half-assing the entire workout. Multiple people in the class have politely asked me to stop filming but I don’t listen to anyone with less than 2,000 followers. Later I’ll post the video with a Doja Cat song playing in the background and make more than you make in a week from it.
2:15 PM: After a grueling workout, a petite little girl like me deserves a little treat. So, I head to Erewhon for a 20 dollar smoothie. I pair my smoothie with a cucumber roll that costs the same as a downpayment on a house. But it’s Erewhon so what can you do, right?
3:17 PM: I put on a disguise and head to my best friend’s Beverly Hills house. I can’t be seen with her in public because she was canceled for lying about getting a fox-eye lift and several jaw filler injections. My publicist warned me that being seen with her could seriously impact my brand (which is all about self-love). Of course, I got the same procedures done last year, but I’m just better at lying to my followers.
4:32 PM: Wow, 4:30 means it’s already time to film another brand deal. This time instead of an energy drink that gives you heart palpitations, I’m filming a TikTok for health gummies that are supposed to increase your libido (not FDA-approved).
5:05 PM: I leave Beverly Hills to go to my social media boyfriend’s house. He’s a former Hype House member who lost millions of followers when he got caught partying during peak COVID. Our publicists got together and agreed starting a fake relationship could benefit both of our brands. After we film couple content for both of our accounts, we sit in prolonged silence for a bit while we stare at our phones.
7:00 PM.: 7 o’clock is usually when the unsettling realization of who I have become sets in. Would that little girl from Indiana be proud of the person she is today? This person who pretends to be someone she’s not. And for what? A hundred thousand followers and a couple of lousy brand deals? That little girl wanted so desperately to create art that was meaningful— not videos targeting the capitalistic tendencies of teenage girls.
9:00 PM: The feeling of inadequacy eventually fades and sleep sets in. What a day!
