The Curse of the Time Vampires
They may eventually come after all of us.
Time vampires are everywhere. Some of us know them as emotional vampires, although lots of folks suffer from both disorders. If you’ve ever been caught in a conversation with a time/emotional vampire, you can’t find a polite way to end the discussion and feel your entire store of resources drained by their stark neediness, you know whereof I speak.
It’s exhausting.
Before our current Conditions, Time Vampires were typically social media, cat videos on YouTube, constant email checking, constant Instagram checking, the like. And, of course that lovely co-worker who was “just stopping by to see how you’re doing,” and ended up Velcroing themselves to the side of your cubicle for the next two hours. The two hours that you had to stay after work to make up for the time you lost to said Time Vampire.
After the Conditions, they were people who sent useless texts (just ask Kristi Keller) eating up time and attention with their bloodthirsty neediness. Did you see this? Did you see this? YES YES YES. NOW DEAL.
I have a dear friend whose grandmother is a seriously deluded conspiracy theorist. He loves her, but she is a misguided person. The other night he found himself in a screaming argument-two hours’ worth- with this human being. He cares for her, as we sometimes do with such people, but this is a monumental waste of time. Nothing he can possibly say, and that would go for Shannon Ashley’s mother (about whom she has very bravely written; they appear to be joined at the hip- my buddy’s gram and Shannon’s mother) is going to change their POV. It would be funny if it didn’t impact some of us directly. There are people who really have gone right off the rails, and no amount of reasoning will work. In fact, it is extremely unreasonable to try to reason with them for it wastes your valuable time.
That is of course the whole point. To waste your time.
Sometimes it’s a friend. Or a partner. Sometimes it’s just someone we met in an open space or a supermarket, although now that they have to speak more loudly that means even more people get caught in that particular trap.
While it’s quite understandable, and achingly human, to briefly suffer this disorder during difficult times (both types of vampirism can be directly tied to high levels of stress), normal people recover quickly. They return to their everyday lives. We own our shit, clean it up, apologize to folks we inconvenienced. All good. Lots of us do time in that barrel.
However, some seem to be permanently afflicted. They latch themselves onto others and drain them of their resources, including emotional support, money, and most especially, their time. That last is a particularly odious theft, as it is the single thing that none of us can replenish.
With some training, you and I can relieve ourselves of such people (unless we are partnered to them or they are in our immediate families. Or worse, it’s us.)
However, since so many of us are inside now, and our excursions into the world at large are more limited, these parasites have now shown up in far greater numbers on line. For my fellow Illumination writers, here’s a perfect example:
I’m done with my dealings with this particular person. And have taken appropriate steps.
I don’t know anyone who doesn’t deal with Time Vampires.
They’re incredibly effective, too. They’ll comment on your Facebook page, or your Tweet. Or your Medium article. Engage you about some small, minor detail that is, in the largest picture, utterly meaningless. Usually is.
At first, it seems innocent. You respond, politely. Then, slowly but surely they escalate. They’ll take issue with this tiny detail. That choice of words- in your comment, mind you, not the original article. As if. Please. As if fucking that mattered. Correct your grammar. Take your discussion down a completely unrelated rabbit hole.
No matter what you do, no matter how polite you are, no matter how respectful you try to be, the Time Vampire will find ways to twist what you say and how you say it in such a way that you continue to stay engaged, trying to correct what gets convoluted. Trying to explain what is clearly obvious to any two-year-old.
They don’t want an explanation. They don’t want a conclusion. That’s not point.
They don’t want your understanding or compassion or your patience. Those niceties are wasted on vampires.
They want your time. That’s all a Time Vampire wants. This has nothing to do with a reasoned, intelligent, gracious exchange. This has nothing whatsoever to do with moving your conversation to a pleasant outcome so that you can get back to work, to your life, your kids, your research, your Netflix or your dog.
The more of your precious, valuable time that a Time Vampire can suck out of you, the more they feel they win. It doesn’t nourish them. Because they are a Black Hole, nothing provides sustenance. Apparently nothing ever will. This intense need to suck the lifeblood out of other people seems to be their raison d’etre.
That is the point: to force you and me into pointless, endless, ridiculously upsetting interactions which lead nowhere, other than to a high level of stress. Which they are controlling. You and I aren’t.
Victims are time vampires on steroids.
Happened to me again yesterday when a gentlemen went after me about a headline. An hour later, this gentleman, another Illumination writer, was still going after me, accusing me of sarcasm when I had very kindly and politely responded to every single note. Time that was taking away from work that I needed to do for a client. He was arguing about word choices and the kind of monumentally stupid, meaningless minutiae which occupies those who are utterly determined to suck the life out of you or me. Such people would argue about the shape of your bowl movement if that would keep you engaged.
Reasoning? Who on earth knows. Maybe they didn’t get laid last night. Maybe the tooth fairy forgot to leave them a nickel for their molar. Maybe they ran out of Zoloft. Maybe their mother didn’t breast feed them. Maybe…honestly, who gives a flying shit after a certain point?
Blocked.
DON’T LIKE MY SHIT. DON’T READ MY SHIT.
Grow the fuck up, folks. Leave. People. Alone.
In such cases, I am not the author of their pain. They are.
As such, they are the author of their own relief from said pain. In fact in the highest sense you and I are the only people could can possibly ease our pain.
Because if someone’s compassion, courtesy and patience are not enough for you, the answer is looking back at you in your bathroom mirror.
As I’ve regularly written elsewhere, we have reached the point that the pain of what’s inside us is so terrible that not only would we prefer to shock the crap out of ourselves rather than endure our inner world…
…but more easily, we would also vastly prefer that we could shock the crap out of others as a way of sharing the largesse, if you will.
The times I’ve shown up as an Emotional or Time Vampire are invariably times that I most desperately need to sit my ass down and do the Deep Work required to figure out what on earth is making me such a fucking bitch. What on earth is causing me to suck the life blood out of others when it’s my job to figure out what’s wrong with me?
Nobody owes you an answer. Nobody owes you a better life. Nobody owes you anything. The road to freedom and self-realization begins in part with being able to stand on that particular marker and own it.
I am completely and utterly responsible for the conditions of my life, my circumstances and how I choose to feel about them. Therefore. If I find myself about to sink my proverbial fangs into someone else’s precious carotid artery of time, the question is what on earth is going on inside me that I would abuse this person? What gives me the right?
Nothing does.
But hey. That’s just me.
People who tend to be fixers, or who really want to be fixers, or who see themselves as earthly angels are prime targets. If they’re not careful, they can end up as empty husks. You can’t give life back to a vampire. They have to find it for themselves.
Look. I will be angelic up to a point. I have learned to offer myself space, compassion, patience and respect. I am happy to offer all of that right up front. I will assume positive intent. Happy to learn whatever important human lesson you’re here to offer. Up to a point.
After that this angel will kick your not-so-angelic asshole to the curb of personal responsibility. I feel even more strongly if said vampiric behavior threatens a community I care about. Maybe that’s my military background. Because one of the best lessons any of us has to learn is about is…
SETTING FUCKING BOUNDARIES WITH ABUSERS.
I came late to that party. But now that my concertina wire is in place, well.
Look,Time Vampires, I’m sorry your life didn’t turn out the way you thought you deserved. I’m sorry that you apparently think that others-anyone, for that matter- need to pay for the fact that you can’t head to the bowling alley or toss beer back watching the Brewers or whatever the holy FUCK it is that is up your nose. Or elsewhere for that matter. I’m sorry. But not sorry enough to give your sorry time-sucking ass any more of my time. It’s limited. And it’s MINE.
I can think of a few billion others who might feel precisely the same way.
Meanwhile, I might offer this on your next meal. Seems to keep those tendencies at bay:
