HUMOR
The Curious Case of the Missing Sock
An exploration into why our socks go missing
We have all seen them. Those poor lonely socks desperately looking for their loved ones — abandoned on clothing racks or shunned inside clothing cupboards. Where did their partners go?
Did they run away?
Were they kidnapped?
Or worse?
I took it upon myself to look into this issue when one of my old socks, Mr. Green Dots, came into my office yesterday. He was a mess and coming loose at the seams.
“Mr. K, my wife. She’s gone missing,” he said, stumbling to find the words.
“Oh, I’m sure she’s just hanging out with the girls on the Racks,” I said, lighting a cigarette.
“No Mr. K, I checked the Racks. I checked the house, the backyard, I even checked the shady parts of the cupboard. She ain’t there!”
“Now, now, calm down Mr.Dots. Tell me what happened. From the top.”
He told me they went to the old spa named The Wash. It was like any other day, but this time he lost her in the crowd. He had looked for her inside and outside the place but she was nowhere to be found.
At first, I suspected foul play but I knew Mr. Dots. He was too sweet to lay a hand on his missus. Mrs. Dots wasn’t the type to run away either. She was faithful to a fault and always stuck by her husband’s side. I knew something was wrong and time was running out.
We began by searching all the places she’d usually go: the Racks, the shoes, and the cupboard. Then we interviewed the shirts, pants, and even those crazy party dresses. But as night fell, we came back to the office empty-handed. The trail had gone cold and there wasn’t a strand of evidence.
“What are we going to do Mr. K? I can’t live without my wife. Without her I’m useless!”
“Don’t worry Mr. Dots. Let’s look through the old cases and see if there’s some kind of clue.”
So we opened up the old case files, AKA Google, and searched for some connection. And what we discovered made us sick.
What you are about to read is not for the faint of heart. Reader discretion is advised.
This has been happening for millennia
Socks have gone missing ever since their invention around 1500 BC. Though these disappearances have occurred in many places, there are certain similarities linking all the cases together.
- Only one sock goes missing
- Socks disappear during washing and drying
- In the few cases where the missing sock is found, it has no recollection of the incident.
Scientists have also looked into these disappearances and a study was even commissioned by Samsung in 2016. They found that more than 15 socks go missing every month. That’s 1,264 lost socks in a person’s lifetime.
That means a country like the UK spends 2 Billion pounds covering up all the disappearances through replacements.
Putting aside the financial impact, the emotional trauma faced by the individual socks left without their partner is immeasurable. There are reports of depression, mal-coloration, and even attempted suicide all over the world and it’s getting worse every day. Why isn’t this on the news? Could this be a massive coverup?
How do these socks go missing?
Investigations into the missing sock cases have unearthed many theories. Some are supernatural, scientific, and some that are completely absurd. Given below are a few of the most common theories speculated throughout the scientific community.
The hungry washer and dryer theory
This is a very popular theory formed from multiple eye witness accounts — many of which originate from local laundromats. People have found half-digested socks stuck between the tub and drums of washing machines. Some socks have also been discovered inside their drain pumps. There are also rare cases where electric dryers have been caught with socks in their dryer filters.
Some of these machines have been taken into questioning but investigators have struggled to find some real dirt on them.
The sock monster theory
Some say this is just an old wives' tale but there is mounting evidence that an elusive creature named the sock monster exists. It takes away a single sock for its collection from homes throughout the globe.
Others theorize the socks are to satisfy female sock monsters that are ready to give birth. There are even rumors that the sock monster builds its nest from socks and the variation in colors has an intoxicating effect on the monster. This could explain why it is driven to bring back more and more socks.
Predatory clothing theory
Similar to the sock monster, this is another elusive species that consumes socks. But, this is a more sophisticated creature that blends in with other clothes. These creatures start by gaining the trust of socks by working alongside them. Then when the time is right, they strike.
Scientists theorize that the stomachs of these creatures take the form of pockets because many socks have been found inside these openings.
The runaway sock theory
This is a very unique type of sock that has had enough of the constant abuse under their owner's feet. Socks take the decision to sneak away while being transported to and from the washer and hide in the cracks and crevices in furniture.
A more advanced escape route that socks take is the fly away method. These socks are free spirits that go where the wind blows and parachute away during windy days.
Steven Hawking’s black hole theory
This is a theory presented by the world-famous Steven Hawking in his book, The Nature of Space and Time, where he speculates that spontaneously created black holes are the reason for the disappearances. Further research on this theory is currently underway but is facing backlash from those that believe it breaks the laws of physics.
Human incompetence and neglect theory
This is the most unlikely theory of all. It states that humans lose socks due to their negligence. Not putting socks properly in the hamper or throwing clothes around willy-nilly are considered the primary cause of many sock disappearances. Of course, there has been no clear evidence to prove this theory but there is growing support for it from moms that live with teenagers.
What happened to Ms. Dots?
After learning all these theories Mr. Dots and I redoubled our efforts to find Mrs. Dots.
We checked for monsters and imposters, but there were none.
We searched The Wash again, this time in every nook and cranny, but no Ms. Dots.
We even did calculations to theorize the likelihood of black holes in the wash but the numbers didn’t add up.
We searched high and low but we still came up empty-handed. Desperate and knowing Mrs. Dots had little time left, we had no choice but to call in our senior detective. Ms. Mom.
It only took her 20 minutes to find Mrs. Dots. She was buried at the bottom of the hamper under a fresh pile of dirty clothes. She was almost out of oxygen when we found her.
“Oh my god! What kind of monster would do this?!” Mr. Dots cried as he rushed to her side.
“Who indeed?” Ms. Mom’s voice trailed off as her eyes locked on to me.
“We might never know. What’s important now is taking care of her,” I sighed and escorted the couple home.
Just like in previous cases, Mrs. Dots had lost her memory and had no idea how she ended up buried down in the hamper. There was no evidence to point to the culprit in the end. At least Mr. and Ms. Dots were safe, and they would live happily ever after.
You too might have witnessed similar stories in your homes and seen many socks suffering from loneliness. I think it is our duty to help these poor socks and make them feel better.
What can we do to help?
It is vital that we try to keep the pairs together when they are being washed or dried. Sock clips have been used by some people to keep socks together. Another option is using a mesh bag while washing clothes to keep everything in one place. Using these methods can help save future socks from suffering the same fate.
If there are socks that have already lost their partner, please do not neglect them. Get some googly eyes, a sharp, and bring out your creativity. Make some quick sock puppets to help them feel needed. Yes, they will not feel the same on your hands but it is the little things that can help them recover.
Final thoughts
It can be a harrowing experience for a sock to lose its partner and prevention is always better than a cure. For us and the socks, it is a constant reminder that we can lose a part of ourselves at any moment. So remember, socks have feelings too. Let’s do everything we can to help all the single socks out there and protect future socks to stay together forever.