Summary

The article provides creative and budget-friendly Valentine's Day ideas for couples who are financially constrained but wish to celebrate their love.

Abstract

The "Complete Affordable Guide to Valentine’s Day" acknowledges the financial strain that can come with the holiday, especially after the expenses of the previous holiday season. It offers three unique suggestions for a memorable Valentine's Day without breaking the bank. The first idea is to create personalized "Love Coupons" that offer acts of service or affection, which can be both humorous and intimate. The second suggestion is to write a heartfelt poem that captures personal moments and emotions shared between partners, emphasizing sincerity over literary perfection. Lastly, the article humorously suggests faking one's death to later surprise the partner on Valentine's Day, though it is clear this is not a serious recommendation.

Opinions

The author believes that creativity and personal touch can outweigh financial expenditure when it comes to expressing love.
Love coupons are seen as a way to both save money and add a playful element to the relationship.
The article emphasizes the importance of genuine emotional expression in poetry, dismissing the need for complex literary techniques.
There is a humorous tone in the suggestion to fake one's death, which is intended to be an exaggerated illustration of going to great lengths for a Valentine's Day surprise.

The Complete Affordable Guide to Valentine’s Day

I’m broke, you’re broke, but we’re in love anyway

It happened again.

While you were lamenting the twenty-dollars left in your bank account from excessive holiday shopping, Valentine’s Day snuck up on you like the stalker waiting in your closet.

You love your significant other, but you also love not being on food stamps. So if you want to protect your wallet at all cost, but also don’t want to spend V-Day crying alone in a shower then listen up.

1. Maximum Effort Love Coupons

Cost: Free as a bird Sex Appeal: Hot as Hades stripping in a two-piece bikini

Being thrifty on Valentine’s Day is going to involve you getting in touch with your creative side.

[Enter the love cupón]

To the amateur, love coupons are tacky and boring. But in the hands of an artist, or anyone with a little humor and wit, they can melt hearts while saving big dollars.

Some no-brainers coupons include, 1) A delicious pancake breakfast in bed 2) An offer to complete any mundane household chores. And, if you want to get frisky, 3) One long sensual foot massage.

Here are some of my other favorite ideas,

Romantic bubble bath for two (or three if you want to invite your boy)
Wake up to watch the sunrise and hold hands
Start a blog together (seriously, there’s nothing sexier than getting creative with your partner. As long as they don’t say anything stupid)
Spend an afternoon cuddling or perhaps one whole day cuddling. Or maybe a whole year.

It’s pretty easy to come up with good ideas once you get the hang of it. They even sell blank versions of love coupons for cheap so get on it. Oh, and important side note, it pays off to draw on each one (Even if you suck) — you know, for that extra touch of finesse.

2. Write a soul-crushing poem

Cost: Your deepest kept emotional secrets Sex Appeal: Hot enough to melt the polar ice caps

“The truth is like poetry — and most people fucking hate poetry,” — Overheard in a Washington D.C. bar.

I have a formula for writing high-quality poetry that’s never failed me once.

After all, if we invented an equation to solve the area of a right triangle, why can’t we have one for a 14-lined mess that rhymes?

It’s obvious, isn’t it?

No one cares about your ego. Your fancy words and complex literary devices are sexual repellents. Just tell a good story in a few brief, but passionate words.

Write about the first time you held hands; the first time you did that cute thing where you bop her nose. Get personal about a moment only you two shared. It doesn’t have to rhyme, it just has to be (っ◔◡◔)っ ♥ deeeep ♥

Remember, poetry has been getting people laid before Jesus was born. You can’t fuck it up too bad (although you probably will).

3. Fake your death and then surprise them that you’re alive on Feb. 14

Cost: Save $70 for disconnecting your phone lines Sex Appeal: Infinite

That’s right, I saved the best for last.

[Cue music from Ocean’s Eleven] Ok, so here’s the plan…

Thanks for reading my article, if you enjoyed that please follow me and check out my new book…Oh, what, you were expecting me to actually go forward with a plan to fake your own death to get out of Valentine’s Day? Are you insane?

Of course, I will.

First off, you’re going to need a lot of ketchup. The good kind. Don’t cheap out on me and buy that store brand crap.