The Codependent’s Plight
Understanding this destructive relational dance
“Love is the name for our pursuit of wholeness, for our desire to be complete.” ~ Plato / The Symposium
For those with a secure attachment style it’s obvious that obsessing over why certain individuals are harmful, addicted, avoidant and unable to recognize your well-intentioned efforts is a perilous self-inflicted trap. Yet the need to ‘crack the code’ to ascertain the magic formula to fix’ another, to transport others through one’s ‘love’ to a spurious state of health and steadfast appreciation, is a pernicious force in folks afflicted with a psychological and behavioral condition known as codependency.
Tragically, this obstinate refusal to accept a situation for what it is or a person for who they are is evidenced in many of my clients who present with complex trauma.
According to self-help recovery author Melody Beattie, codependency is an attachment pattern shaped by childhood abuse and neglect and characterized by,“self-defeating, learned behaviors or character defects that result in a diminished capacity to initiate or to participate in loving relationships.”
Specifically, the person steeped in codependent dynamics lacks a formidable authentic identity and is unable to handle their own emotional discomfort. This unbearable state results in an excessive reliance on others for recognition and a sense of self. Likewise, it compels the codependent person to control others behavior so as to deflect from internal feelings of worthlessness.
Essentially, the codependent is dependent on distracting from their own emptiness and internal suffering through compulsively and obsessively ‘fixing’ others. Moreover, beset by abandonment fears and a debilitating need to understand why painful things happen in their relationships or what makes people behave in hurtful ways, the codependent latches onto the belief that if they can figure out the ‘why’ they can magically transform the situation so that their desperate longing to be valued and needed will be fulfilled.
Hence, the codependent clings to a delusional mindset of omnipotence which purports that by rescuing and helping others, steadfast security will be attained. This belief system legitimizes and galvanizes imposing their will. Furthermore, by fostering a pathological dependence in which they believe they are indispensable, the codependent maintains an illusion of power and control.
A framework of this toxic codependent dance, known as the Drama Triangle was developed by transactional analyst Dr. Stephen Karpman. Karpman’s relational model illustrates the entangled power plays enacted by folks mired in Victim, Rescuer, and Persecutor roles.
Although the codependent is classically typified as an enabler and rescuer, they inevitably vacillate into playing out the part of the victim and persecutor. To clarify, should the designated ‘victim’ refuse to operate as a grateful or compliant emotional cripple, the codependent ‘rescuer’ may morph into a martyred persecutor driven to malign and scapegoat, while concomitantly yearning for a savior to rescue them from their plight.
Staying stuck in this rotating trap means underlying issues are never addressed. Rather, the codependent’s difficulties with humbly owning up to their human flaws and fallibility sparks off a compulsive fixation on managing extraneous variables.
Ill equipped to look within, the distressed codependent makes assumptions and judgements as to why others fail to appreciate and validate their seemingly well-intentioned choices. Whats more, they concoct notions of who they need to be and what they need to sacrifice in order to ensure bonding. These unwavering judgements and negative assumptions offer the codependent false hope and a misguided sense of purpose.
Hence, the ubiquitous inquiry of ‘why’ is not focused on self motivations or personal preferences and desires, but on what others might need and want so as to procure approval. By seeking reasons and motivations outside oneself the codependent is distracted from their own emptiness, impotence and relational trauma.
The relational unpredictability and lack of security that the codependent fears and yet unwittingly creates and defends against, emanates from child abuse and neglect. As abused, neglected children they had to devise any means to get their dependency needs met. Accordingly, learning to control and manipulate to appease abusers and procure a modicum of worth and a tenuous sense of self was essential to survival.
Subsequently, the primitive need to master the rejection from one’s primary caregivers compels the codependent to seek others who will enact an approach-avoidance dance.
The codependent’s ultimate wish is for a sort of ‘ love’ and intimacy that affords complete security and adulation. It is a twisted yarn, as the codependent addictively experiences others who reenact core relational injuries as the panacea to their brokenness.
Psychiatrist Timmen Cermak, M.D. proposed that when co-dependency personality traits are excessive and maladaptive, causing major impairments with distress levels and functioning it warrants a personality disorder diagnosis. It’s at this stage that relational dynamics become more debilitating and the blind spots of the codependent wreak havoc on one’s perceptions and sanity.
In these instances the primitive ego defense of denial is a driving force. The codependent is convinced that they have the extraordinary ability to discern others feelings, needs and thoughts. Instead of determining if they are projecting or imposing their reality on another by asking if their assumptions are correct, the codependent who corresponds to Cermak’s criteria for a personality disorder lacks empathic cognizance and is oblivious to serious adverse consequences.
When codependency has progressed to this point the threshold for pain has become dangerously high. Physical, emotional and sexual abuse are accommodated and one’s entire sense of self is invested in a tormentor-redemption fantasy.
Stress related medical illnesses occur as codependent behaviors and symptoms escalate. Likewise, mental health disorders such as complex trauma, depression, anxiety and substance and process addictions such as love addiction are exacerbated by the codependent’s enmeshment with personality disordered, chemically dependent, other co‐dependent, or impulse‐disordered individuals.
To illustrate this phenomenon, I shared in an article at Vice how the torment of an obsessive fixation with someone relatively unknown can be indicative of an intimacy disorder fueled by codependency.
“Pathological attachment rooted in relational trauma can manifest as obsessive preoccupation with someone one dated briefly. Love addiction is a terribly painful disorder fueled by traumatic loneliness and an absence of secure bonding and mirroring throughout one’s lifespan.”
“Those afflicted see a new relationship as a “fix” and reel when it’s over. After rejection, the love addict goes into severe debilitating withdrawal. During withdrawal, abandonment panic is interspersed with unresolved traumatic memory and self-loathing.”
Recovery for the codependent means turning the obsessive preoccupation with another onto the self, so as to understand the subconscious motivations fueling destructive relational patterns. It means facing the deep seated fears of abandonment and rejection which ignite manipulative, controlling tactics and humiliating subjugation. It also means accepting that the incessant pursuit of procuring from another constant reassurance of one’s worth and value is a futile quest, that at best offers a temporary sense of relief or validation.
Above all, recovery from a codependent attachment template requires healing wounds rooted in early abuse so that one can cultivate a coherent sense of self that allows for mature intimate connections. Through identifying early losses, traumatic memories and disordered patterns, an understanding of what is being enacted interpersonally can be attained. In turn, this catalyzes the process of dismantling dysfunctional relational dynamics so that one can become ‘relationally ready.’
Being ‘relationally ready’ connotes that the self that was lost has been salvaged and nurtured. Reclaiming this lost self allows the recovering codependent to shift from a desperate place of attachment rooted in unmet developmental needs and survival fears. From this place loneliness and intimacy fears are effectively managed so that one can let go of people and situations that conflict with one’s well-being.
This newfound ability to patiently wait until trust is established is enforced by clearly defined ethics and rules of engagement that uphold relational values of reliability, predictability, stability and rationality. Likewise, guided by values of accountability and responsibility, the relationally traumatized codependent intent on recovery is able to discern what constitutes good character and self respect. With this awareness one is equipped with a blueprint for knowing what mature love is and what it is not.
That said, while mature love allows for conflict and negotiation, those afflicted with codependency have an idealistic belief that rational discussion and logical reasoning can resolve any conflict or disagreement, even when faced with resistance or irrationality. The insatiable need for validation sets off a relentless need to persuade and implore, as the quest to bring others around to their viewpoint feels inextricably linked to self-worth.
Curtailing these exhausting futile behaviors requires accepting things as they are, not as one wants them to be. Accordingly, it is only when the codependent finally bottoms out and admits that persistent nonacceptance of harsh truths derails positive change and perpetuates a destructive cycle of trauma bonding, can recovery truly happen.
In sum, recovery from codependency embraces the premise that we must complete ourselves first before we can achieve healthy, loving unions. This requires us to examine who we are and heal our wounds so that they are not imposed on others. Indeed, if one cannot live in full accordance to one’s own beliefs and truths than one cannot show up honestly and honorably for another and will not require others to do the same. Commencing with this comprehensive reparative undertaking is a crucial and necessary step for those invested in shifting from codependent relatedness to healthy interdependence.
