The Classified Documents Board Game: Fun for the Whole Family!

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Abstract

a porn star (female, of course, since this is a family game and so we certainly cannot have any naked male anatomy, but a naked chick? Why the hell not, right?), a pickup truck, a deluxe and exquisitely detailed replica of a coal-burning plant. Or you can select from assorted figurines including Greta Thunberg with her fist in the air, Rachel Maddow with her fist in the air, Hillary Clinton with her fist in the air, Kamala Harris with her fist in the air, or Nancy Pelosi with her fist in Trump’s jaw.Roll the dice and move around the board and see what happens!You rolled lucky seven. You just earned a get-out-of-jail-free card! Hang on to that, you will need it.Uh-oh, you just landed on the FBI space. They are suddenly paying attention to you. Better hope you land on one of the golden document hiding place spaces (also known as Trump Tower, but shhh, you didn’t hear that from me).You rolled doubles. That means you spin the magic wheel to find out which special counsel is assigned to your case. Oh, but wait, there are no more special counsels left.Pick a card to see which cable news network you go on to see whether you are mercilessly hammered or get lots of soft-ball sympathetic questions.You landed on the red square. You can stay and have dinner and a few drinks with the nice sexy lady with a slight Russian accent or you can take an extra turn. Ah, to hell with the extra turn, that nice lady with the Russian accent is so very nice … oops, you passed out … too much vodka … uh-oh, looks like she took all the documents you had in the storage room next to

Options

the swimming pool. Luckily you had a few more documents stashed in your underwear drawer. You can continue playing.Spin the wheel to see how many of your homes and offices and garages and You-Store-It units, and lockers in locker rooms at bathhouses (oh, did I say bathhouse? I meant to say gym. YMCA. No, wait, that sounds gay, too. I mean the gym next to the Heritage Foundation, yeah, that gym) will have top-secret documents stashed in them.You landed on the blue square! Take a spin in that awesome corvette and skip ahead of everyone else on the board! You are almost scot-free now …Darn it! Someone just drew the SCOTUS card. That means all women playing the game lose, must leave the room, go take a prenatal vitamin, and get in the kitchen and make sandwiches for all the men while the men continue the important work of finishing the game. The guys then finally notice that on the red square in tiny print is a phone number. They call it and get invited to a party with that nice lady with the ever so slight barely discernable hint of a Russian accent.Hope you had fun playing. Be sure and look through your desk drawer, though, before the FBI comes knocking on your door. The way things are going, you might have a top-secret document or two. Were you ever a tourist at the White House or a guest at a Mar-a-Lago pool party? Something may have weirdly landed in your purse or jacket pocket. You seriously better check. After all, DOJ doesn’t have an unlimited supply of special counsels. Pretty soon every lawyer in America will have had a turn as “special counsel” on his or her resume.</article></body>

Even your crazy MAGA uncle and radical ANTIFA sister will love it

Hurry and buy now! The first 100 purchased will come with an actual real and officially stamped “Top Secret” government document (with the original SCIF folder included!) and autographed by Donald Trump himself! Also, as an added bonus, you will be entered in a lottery and the winner of the drawing will be the first person to receive a leak of the SCOTUS draft opinion overturning affirmative action, autographed by Justice Alito and Ginni Thomas! Oh, wait, um, that is supposed to be secret, that upcoming SCOTUS decision … so never mind that. You didn’t hear that from me. Um, you will just be entered in a drawing to win something really cool!

Here is how the game works. First, everybody empties their wallet on the table. Whoever has the most money gets to make up all the rules!

Naw, just kidding.

First, each player selects a game piece to use on the board. Handcrafted in China from the highest quality plastic, you can select from a MAGA hat, a mini assault rifle, a Bible, a porn star (female, of course, since this is a family game and so we certainly cannot have any naked male anatomy, but a naked chick? Why the hell not, right?), a pickup truck, a deluxe and exquisitely detailed replica of a coal-burning plant. Or you can select from assorted figurines including Greta Thunberg with her fist in the air, Rachel Maddow with her fist in the air, Hillary Clinton with her fist in the air, Kamala Harris with her fist in the air, or Nancy Pelosi with her fist in Trump’s jaw.

Roll the dice and move around the board and see what happens!

You rolled lucky seven. You just earned a get-out-of-jail-free card! Hang on to that, you will need it.

Uh-oh, you just landed on the FBI space. They are suddenly paying attention to you. Better hope you land on one of the golden document hiding place spaces (also known as Trump Tower, but shhh, you didn’t hear that from me).

You rolled doubles. That means you spin the magic wheel to find out which special counsel is assigned to your case. Oh, but wait, there are no more special counsels left.

Pick a card to see which cable news network you go on to see whether you are mercilessly hammered or get lots of soft-ball sympathetic questions.

You landed on the red square. You can stay and have dinner and a few drinks with the nice sexy lady with a slight Russian accent or you can take an extra turn. Ah, to hell with the extra turn, that nice lady with the Russian accent is so very nice … oops, you passed out … too much vodka … uh-oh, looks like she took all the documents you had in the storage room next to the swimming pool. Luckily you had a few more documents stashed in your underwear drawer. You can continue playing.

Spin the wheel to see how many of your homes and offices and garages and You-Store-It units, and lockers in locker rooms at bathhouses (oh, did I say bathhouse? I meant to say gym. YMCA. No, wait, that sounds gay, too. I mean the gym next to the Heritage Foundation, yeah, that gym) will have top-secret documents stashed in them.

You landed on the blue square! Take a spin in that awesome corvette and skip ahead of everyone else on the board! You are almost scot-free now …

Darn it! Someone just drew the SCOTUS card. That means all women playing the game lose, must leave the room, go take a prenatal vitamin, and get in the kitchen and make sandwiches for all the men while the men continue the important work of finishing the game. The guys then finally notice that on the red square in tiny print is a phone number. They call it and get invited to a party with that nice lady with the ever so slight barely discernable hint of a Russian accent.

Hope you had fun playing. Be sure and look through your desk drawer, though, before the FBI comes knocking on your door. The way things are going, you might have a top-secret document or two. Were you ever a tourist at the White House or a guest at a Mar-a-Lago pool party? Something may have weirdly landed in your purse or jacket pocket. You seriously better check. After all, DOJ doesn’t have an unlimited supply of special counsels. Pretty soon every lawyer in America will have had a turn as “special counsel” on his or her resume.