The Chronicles of Black Tax
Untold reasons why life is harder for coloured immigrants
Picture this: You finally land a great job, your salary is fixed, and you think you’re ready to conquer the world. But wait! There’s this thing called “Black Tax” lurking in the shadows, waiting to pounce on your hard-earned bucks! Black Tax, the ultimate nemesis to all payroll warriors, is the financial obligation many people of African descent face, where family, friends, and even distant relatives want a piece of that paycheck pie. Let’s dive into the absurd and exaggerated chronicles of Black Tax. Brace yourself!
Gather ‘Round: Imagine trying to explain to colleagues why you can’t save up for that Caribbean cruise like they can because every month, your cousin’s dog’s veterinarian bill takes precedence. Or how about when you’re sitting there, enjoying your perfectly grilled chicken with jollof rice, and getting an earful from your estranged aunt about why you should support her goat business, even though the closest you’ve been to a farm this year is that one time you played Farmville on Facebook? Hilarious, isn’t it?
The Weirdest Requests: If you thought typical family birthday parties or weddings were entertaining, hold your breath as we delve into the world of outrageous Black Tax requests. Just when you think you’ve heard it all, your second cousin’s third child shows up ‘unannounced’ on your Whatsapp, sending you a photo of her handwritten list of things she needs as she is going to boarding school in JSS 1. From cartons of Indomie noodles, Golden Morn, toilet paper to milk and hardcover notebooks, you name it — and it’s all on you. Nobel Prize for Grocery Shopping, anyone?
The Art of Balance: Navigating the tightrope of Black Tax can be quite the spectacle. On one hand, you want to remain responsible and help your loved ones when they genuinely need it. On the other hand, you constantly find yourself wondering if you should just block every relative on all Social Media platforms. Aunty Mary couldn’t pay her medical bill. But she is 90+ yeah? Edem’s mum called to say that her rent is due. Must she live in the city? Let her go back to the village already! Emeka has not paid school fees. There are tuition-free schools he can attend, right? Duh!
There’s a Tax for Everything: And while we’re here, let’s not forget about the subtle tax that affects every Black person’s life — the expectations of excellence. Your parents expect you to be a doctor, lawyer, engineer, or at the very least, a civil servant. So, between managing your Black Tax budget and keeping the peace of the extended family, you still have to save the world while meeting up with your own personal bills. Kuku kill me!
How to Survive and Thrive in the World of Black Tax: Worry not, my friends, for I come bearing solutions to make your journey through Black Tax less treacherous. First, develop a good sense of humour, because there will be times when you think you’re starring in a sitcom. Second, set boundaries and communicate openly with loved ones about your financial limitations. Lastly, remember that laughter is the best medicine, especially when you’re paying for your uncle’s wife’s dental surgery. Let her know she doesn’t even need teeth anyway, after all, all she does is drink.
Conclusion: While Black Tax may sometimes feel like an insurmountable obstacle, with a bit of laughter and a pinch of sarcasm, we can turn it into an unforgettable comedy show. Remember, humour is a coping mechanism, and by sharing our hilarious experiences of Black Tax, we can connect, empathise, and keep our sanity intact. So, the next time your aunt asks you to pay for her make-up lessons or your nephew requests you to fund his latest music album (bombastic side-eye), channel your inner comedian and let the laughter guide you!
I would really love to hear about your Black Tax experience. Kindly share in the comments…