The Butterfly’s Struggle

A mother’s lesson in letting go

It can take a butterfly a few minutes to a couple of hours to hatch from its chrysalis. During this time, the brand new butterfly will struggle and pull its way through the tiny hole in the bottom of the chrysalis. The process of pulling himself out appears tiring and slow.

When he does succeed at leaving the chrysalis, the butterfly emerges weak and unable to fly.

However, it is through the process of the struggle — the squeezing of the chrysalis and the wriggling of the butterfly — that helps disperse fluid throughout the newly formed wings thereby increasing the butterfly’s strength. The weak, flightless insect will hang upside for hours as it completes its final transformation. Since fluid was pushed throughout the body and wings, as it emerged from the tiny hole, he now has the function to flap his wings.

After resting upside down and practicing his wing-flapping — further dispersing fluid and gaining strength — the young butterfly will soon take flight.

A monarch butterfly may fly up to 2,500 miles in its lifetime, migrating all the way from the US and Canada down to central Mexico. None of that would be possible had it not been for the butterfly’s struggle.

Without the struggle of emerging from the chrysalis, the butterfly would not form correctly. Without the wriggling and squeezing, the hardship and exhaustion, the butterfly would be unable to fly. It is because metamorphosis and hatching from the chrysalis is so hard, that is is also so valuable.

This same principle can be applied to children.

Without a struggle, they are unable to know their own strength or resiliency.

Without a struggle, they will falter in learning problem-solving skills.

Without a struggle, a child will grapple with gaining independence and self-confidence.

As counterintuitive as it may seem, not intervening when a child struggles is oftentimes the best way you can support their development.

The caveat here, is the way in which parents/caregivers support and encourage the child through their struggle. A child asked to make their own sandwich will be a lot more successful if they were first taught how to appropriately make a sandwich.

When someone has taken the time to ensure he can open the peanut butter container, spread the jelly efficiently, and place it into the plastic bag, before asking him to do it on his own, is setting the child up with the tools needed to endure the struggle of sandwich making when the time comes.

I had to remind myself of the importance of the struggle recently when I was helping my son learn to ride his bike. I phrase it that way because I don’t really believe you teach someone to ride a bike. You can help them learn, but it’s really a lesson that must be learned through trial-and-error.

I modeled, supported, directed, and encouraged throughout the whole process.

In the end, he learned to ride the bike because he practiced, and struggled, and practiced, and struggled, and eventually he rode off down the trail like he’d been doing it his whole life.

He yelled back at me in triumph, “I’m doing it, Mom! I’m doing it!”

The pride in his voice and the boost of confidence in his heart is exactly why I let him struggle. I know this is just one more step of his metamorphosis into becoming an independent adult. He’s slowly gaining the skills he’ll need to one day live on his own.

My support and encouragement gave him the courage to keep trying despite his struggle. As we overcome more hurdles in his journey to adulthood I am confident he’ll tackle each one with the same determination.

One day, much too soon, just like the monarch, he’ll complete his transformation and “fly away” — my very own butterfly boy.