The Burden of the Question “Why Did She Stay?”

I remember clearly when I was asked this the first time. This question also comes in its sister form of “Why didn’t she leave?” Both conveying an instant assumption of blame — or at least partial blame — onto the victim and moving the focus of fault away from where it really belongs: on the abuser.

I get why people ask this question, and my first reaction nowadays is to educate the questioner (compared to how I used to respond when I’d shrivel up in a puddle of my own tears as the memories came flooding back of what had happened to me). After all, we live in a rape culture that blames the victim, so naturally, society feels comfortable enough in continuing that line of questioning toward an abuse victim while failing to hold the abuser accountable.

Since my first response is to educate (I am making an assumption that the person with the questions knows not what they do), my purpose of writing this particular piece is to break these questions down and offer a perspective on behalf of the abuse victim, an experience of which, unfortunately, I know all too well.

This is dedicated to all those with questions:

When you ask, Why did you stay? I immediately find myself in the witness stand, everyone’s pointed fingers aimed in my direction, while I stutter and stumble through a defense that I hadn’t prepared for. My abuser’s face pops up in my head — he’s smirking, relishing the idea that I am not to be believed. My body reacts physically and is triggered by flashbacks. I want to run and hide from public view.

When you ask, Why didn’t you just leave? I hear the rest of the sentence finish itself…if it was so bad? This question assumes that it couldn’t have been that bad or otherwise I would have left. This question strips me of my dignity. It puts my strength and character into question. It paints me as either a woman who is making too much out of her situation (thereby making me a liar) or a woman who is too weak to do anything about it (thereby making me pathetic and undeserving of your compassion).

When you ask, Why did you put up with it? you are questioning my capabilities. I then put myself on the witness stand and become both defense lawyer and prosecutor. I am instantly reminded of the years of abuse, the pain of no one knowing what was really happening behind closed doors, the fear that no one would believe me if I told them, and the heartbreak of having my life as I knew it destroyed without my consent by the one I loved most in the world.

There are, of course, answers to all of these questions that any victim of abuse could offer:

She stayed because she wasn’t even aware that she was a victim of abuse and believed her abuser when he said everything was her fault.

She didn’t leave because she didn’t have the financial resources to do so and she had kids to take care of and she was in fear of what her abuser would do to her if she left.

She put up with it because her abusive father modeled how a man treated a woman and normalized abuse in her eyes.

More answers: She had low self-esteem, she didn’t want to be responsible for breaking up her family, she didn’t know what boundaries were, she didn’t know she was in love with a Narcissist, she didn’t feel worthy enough to have a man treat her with respect and kindness, she didn’t have a support system or friends that would rally to her side, she believed her abuser when he said he’d change, she thought marriage was hard work and so tried harder to save it, she made vows, she was afraid to leave, afraid of the future, afraid of never finding love again, afraid of what would happen if she put herself first, afraid and anxious and worried and depressed and ashamed and on and on…

And all of this time that she’s spent explaining herself and answering your questions was time stolen from her recovery and healing, and was attention deflected from the only one who should be in the witness stand: her abuser.

Though it’s been said a million times before, the fact that these questions are still asked of abuse victims reveals the need to say it once more: no one deserves to be abused. No one asks for it. Abusers don’t reveal themselves on the first, second, or third date, and Narcissists, in particular, are especially adept at fooling a victim into falling in love with them before their mask falls off. In addition, there is no black-and-white assessment that explains definitively the reason a victim stays for x amount of time in an abusive relationship.

What is easily understood is that any victim of abuse is suffering and dealing with open wounds, oftentimes alone and without substantial support. What is easily accomplished is for those who seek to understand why someone would stay, not leave, and put up with it, those who can’t relate by experience, those who can’t imagine themselves in the same scenario, can instead sit with a victim in her pain and change the line of questioning to statements that reflect love and support.

I don’t understand what you’re going through, but I’m here for you.

I believe you.

I love you.

Because that’s what a victim of any type of abuse really needs. She’s already been through hell and back with someone who put her in the witness stand on a constant basis, who doubted her, who questioned her, who made her feel like anything that happened to her was her own fault and was what she deserved.

Now that she’s trying to heal, trying to recover, and trying to move on, the last thing she needs is to be reminded of her pain and be put back in that witness chair to defend her experience.

So let’s ditch the victim-blaming questions from now on. It serves no one but the abuser who is depending on no one believing her or rallying to her side.

The choice is yours. It’s ours. And it’s time to believe victims of abuse.

Then in truth, together we will rise.

Want to get expert help, tips, and strategies on recovering and healing after narcissistic abuse? Then join the thousands who have signed up for what’s basically free coaching in your inbox and receive your Real Love Does Not Abuse poster to remind you of what you truly deserve in a relationship. Plus I’ll tell you how to snag a free copy of my bestselling book, “You’re Still That Girl: Get Over Your Abusive Ex for Good!” www.suzannaquintana.com