The Building Blocks Of Lasting Love

What is “real love” actually made of?

“How do you know when it’s true love?” A question that has entered the minds of humans of all ages over the eons of our existence. Is it rooted in infatuation? Compatibility? Emotional connection? A feeling of comfort? A combination of the above?

I believe that, just as much of the human experience, the concept of ‘love’ is a difficult one to explain. That’s why most people just say “When you know…you know.” It’s an attempt to express that love is something you just feel rather than something you’re able to pick apart and describe.

Love, also, is objective. We all experience it in different ways, express it in different ways, and receive it in different ways.

I do think, however, there are some universal pieces of the experience that, when we can recognize them, we can place them under the umbrella of “true love” and be confident that’s what we are feeling for another person.

What are some of these feelings? Let’s discuss…

1: A feeling of “oneness.”

Think about the couples you know who’ve been together the longest. Perhaps a family friend, or in your immediate family. Or, maybe, it’s you and your spouse.

When you think of them, I’d guess that you think of both of them together. This is because they exist as a team in your mind, a single unit, they are one.

When you’re truly in love, you feel this deep sense of connection with your partner that intertwines your lives. Yes — of course we need to maintain our own identities and passions, but also to link our emotions to theirs. To share in their happiness. To lend them our strength in their times of need.

As Robert A. Heinlein eloquently stated:

Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.

2: You’ll feel fully accepted.

You are the only person who truly knows all of the “stuff” you come with. And we all have “stuff.”

Some of us have more “stuff” than others, and part of being in a relationship is finding a partner to accepts all of this stuff. They don’t have to love it, or even like it — but they have to accept it.

They have to accept it because it’s part of who you are. It may be something from your past, or a quirky habit that you have, or maybe a sexual desire that is new and different to them.

Whatever it is, though, if you’re not able to feel fully embraced and accepted in your relationship, you’ll always be holding back from expressing pieces of yourself.

And, if you’re holding back, then neither you nor your partner are fully experiencing you, and that is no way to live.

3: You’ll feel a sense of peace.

I believe that peace is a word that we don’t use often enough when it comes to relationships.

There is a comfort, serenity, and security that comes along with feeling peaceful next to someone. You can be relaxed, you can be open, you can be yourself.

If someone is bringing more chaos and unrest to your life rather than peace and comfort, it may be time to reevaluate why you are together in the first place.

4: You’ll feel mutual respect.

Mutual being the key word.

Respect is an integral part to any relationship because it is necessary for love to thrive. You can’t love someone if you don’t respect them. You can’t trust them if you don’t respect them (Hint: Next point). You can’t value their thoughts and opinions if you don’t respect them.

And if you can’t do any of these things, how can you build a solid foundation of love and adoration?

You can’t.

5: You’ll feel mutual trust.

As promised above.

As the anonymous quote goes:

Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting them not to.

Trust plays a key role in even the smallest parts of life that we don’t even think about sometimes.

Trust is knowing that when they’re looking at their phone, they’re not texting someone else.

Trust is knowing that when they’re coming home late from work, they’re really coming home late from work.

Trust is knowing that they’re not snooping through your things, and not feeling the urge to snoop through theirs.

If you can’t trust your partner, or if you don’t think they trust you, there’s going to be a constant anxious energy that lingers around the relationship, even if neither of you express it.

Trust, as one can easily see, must exist for the peace to be created.

6: You’ll feel appreciated.

One of the many things that makes you a great partner is your willingness to do things for the person you love, yes?

You compromise, you watch the shows they like, you run errands when they’re busy, you do the chores when they’re exhausted.

You are always striving to make them feel cared for, and cared about.

No matter how naturally or consistently you do all of this, though, it will begin to get exhausting if you don’t feel appreciated.

If you feel taken for granted, or undervalued, or overlooked, no amount of kindness or generosity will persist. Eventually, you’ll begin pulling back on doing the things that made you feel good to do for them, because it doesn’t seem like they’re even noticing in the first place — so why bother?

On the other hand, feeling gratitude and appreciation from your partner will fuel your fire to keep giving yourself to them — as they do in return for you.

Even small hugs, cuddles, thank you notes, winks across the room, and squeezes of the hand can signal appreciation.

It doesn’t have to be big…it just has to be there.

7: You’ll feel fully supported.

Being in love and committing to someone is not just something you do when you feel like it.

It is not a part time job. You are either in, or you’re out.

This means standing beside them on the sunny days, but also holding the umbrella over them on the rainy days. Taking care of them when they are sick, comforting in a time of need, taking on life’s challenges together.

Sometimes it’ll be their challenges, sometimes it’ll be yours. Sometimes, it will be challenges you face as a couple.

Feeling supported by your partner, though, is sometimes all you need in order to work through it.

The truth is that being with the wrong person will make you feel more lonely than being single ever will.

But feeling supported by the right person will give you the strength and confidence to overcome any challenge.

8: You’ll feel like a priority.

Of course the person your with should have their own dreams, goals, ambitions, hobbies, and passions — those are, after all, some of the things that drew you to them in the first place.

Part of choosing to be in a relationship, though, is pledging to prioritize the relationship itself, as well.

Whether it be making time for you after a busy day, or keeping a weekend open for your family gathering, or picking up that candy you like because they saw it at the grocery store — acts big and small can show that a person is making you a priority in their life.

If you always feel like you’re at the bottom of their proverbial totem pole, then we’re forced to wonder how secure the relationship (and their commitment) really is.

9: You’ll feel desired.

Ah, desire.

Desire is more than just feeling sexy, or wanted, or lusted after.

Desire is when someone touches you on a far deeper level than just physical. They’ve built an emotional intimacy with you that makes you feel connected to them more strongly than anyone ever has before.

When they look at you with desire, it’s not just strictly physical — it’s more complete than that.

True love desires your entire being, not just your physical self. It wants you — not for what you look like — but for who you are.

10: You’ll feel safe.

If you’ve read my work before you saw this one coming.

A feeling of not just physical safety, but mental and emotional safety.

Both men and women desire feeling safe in their relationships. Safe opening up, safe being themselves, safe being vulnerable and authentic.

Without this feeling of true safety, important doors to true love will always remain locked.

11: You’ll feel mutual pride.

Proud to be with them, and that they’re proud to be with you.

Quite simply — if the person you’re with isn’t proud to be with you, then you’re with the wrong person.

12: You’ll feel certain.

There is a difference between feeling like someone’s best option, and feeling like their only option. They’ll never make you question how they feel, or the security of the future they see alongside of you.

And — you’ll feel equally as certain about them. You’ll look far down the road of your life and still see them by your side, growing and evolving together.

You’ll be excited about creating new memories, traditions, and experiences together.

Despite the challenges of the past, despite the time spent with all of the wrong people, despite all of the heartbreak and suffering — you’ll ultimately feel that none of your previous relationships were a waste of time, they were simply preparing you for the right one that has come along.

The right person will love everything about you that the wrong people took for granted.

13: You’ll feel free.

No — not free to go out and party, and hook-up with other people, and make bad decisions…

But, free to be yourself. Free to explore new passions. Free to live a life that you love within the relationship.

Immature and controlling love makes you feel restricted and shrunken to confines chosen by your partner.

Mature and healthy love makes you feel like you can spread your wings and fly — just as your partner is flying alongside you.

14: You’ll feel inspired.

Let’s revisit this classic scene together from 1997’s As Good As It Gets with the legendary Jack Nicholson and Helen Hunt:

When Nicholson says “You make me want to be a better man,” Hunt’s expression tells the whole story.

People don’t want to be better for someone they don’t care about. They don’t want to cut out negative habits, or add in new ones, for someone they dislike.

The real desire to do these things needs to come from within, but the spark to make the change can be a realization, and the source of that realization can be love for another person.

You can’t change a person, but you can be a person’s reason to change.

15: You’ll feel them in your future.

When was the last time you really envisioned your future?

This is something I do frequently with clients in order to help them gain clarity around the person they want to become, and subsequently, the life that they want to create.

Part of visualizing the person you want to be, is visualizing the habits and hobbies that they have. The decisions that they make. The standards they hold for themselves.

And — the type of relationship they’re in.

If you take a brutally honest look into your future and feel yourself in the life that you want to be living, who is it that’s by your side?

Is it the person you’re currently with? Or, if you’re single — really imagine what type of man or woman would be best suited for you.

When it’s true love, you’ll feel a sense of certainty that this is the person who is going to be next to you in 5, 10, 15 years…or more.

That’s the key to longevity in love. Not just today, not just tomorrow — but forever.

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• James Michael Sama is an internationally recognized speaker, author, and personal development coach.
• Finding success in creating hundreds of viral articles and videos on building limitless confidence and healthier relationships, James has accumulated over 39 million visitors to his website and a collective social media following of over 400,000.
• James speaks at live events and in the media across the U.S. and has become a go-to expert with outlets such as CNN, Bravo, The New York Post, The Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, CNBC, The Boston Globe, CBS, and more.