LESSONS
The Book That Changed My Social Life.
Top 02 Lessons Which I’ve Learned From The Book That Changed My Social Life.
When I first got into self-improvement. I had horrible social anxiety talking to somebody I didn’t know very well, especially if they were a girl. It was tough for me, even carrying on a basic human conversation was something that I didn’t know how to do very well. I’d always be stuck in my head, thinking about what I was going to say next and worrying about whether they were impressed with me, and I also didn’t have very many friends.
So, I started searching on Reddit for answers, you know, lurking through self-improvement subreddits like I used to do quite a bit back in the day. There was a book recommendation that kept on coming up in every single self-improvement subreddit that I looked at. It seemed to be everyone’s go-to book they would recommend for people struggling with social anxiety or struggling with being able to maintain a basic conversation. The book was “How To Win Friends And Influence People” by Dale Carnegie.
It came as kind of a shock to me because this book was published in 1936 & Time Magazine ranked it as the 19th most influential book in American history. So, it doesn’t mess around, so I was starting to get this vibe that it was the Bible of human communication, and I gave it a read, and it changed my life. I’m not saying that this book was responsible for everything good that ever happened in my life or anything like that, but what I do mean is that it changed my perspective, and I learned some things from this book that I have carried with me to this day.
I’ve never forgotten, and they’ve completely transformed the way I interact with people having conversations with pretty much anybody is not an issue for me anymore. So, I’m going to go over some of the most impactful lessons from the book “How To Win Friends And Influence People”, and hopefully, it helps you out as much as it helped me out. Before I dive into these tips or these lessons or whatever you want to call them, they are just tools; all these things I’m about to say are only tools.
They’re not absolute rules they can be broken but that being said they are very powerful tools that I think to work extremely well in most situations especially this first one that I’m about to dive into it’s less of a tip or a tool it’s more like a paradigm shift that you can apply to pretty much your entire philosophy when it comes to dealing with people, and that is:
1. It’s All About The Other Person
It may come as no surprise to you that everyone thinks about themselves. What they’ve got going on in their lives? What did they want to eat for dinner? What are they stressing about? & What they want to do tomorrow? They’re not thinking about you at all; you probably wouldn’t be surprised to find out that you primarily think about yourself as well, and when you think about other people, it’s always in the context of you. It’s like does this person like me? Do they think I’m stupid? Because I said this thing.
It’s always about you; everyone else thinks that the same way. So, to become better with people, you have to realize this and see things from other people’s perspective people’s favourite hobby and people’s favourite topics. The one they’re most comfortable talking about is things to do with themselves. So, if you want to become a good conversationalist, you have to become an investigator in people try to get them talking about what’s going on in their lives. You will never run out of the conversation, which people sort of know, but they don’t practice it because they feel like they’re not getting anything out of the interaction.
You know, by entirely focusing on what the other person has going on in their life, you know you’re almost stepping on yourself and not allowing your personality to shine or something like that. Still, I found that kind of the opposite is right when you become genuinely interested in other people, and what they have going on in their life, they’re a lot more likely to return the favour.
A lot of people have been in a situation or a conversation where somebody starts talking about their dreams and their ambitions and their skills and things they’ve done. Then the other person responds with their thoughts and their aspirations and the ideas that they want to do, and they sort of start it’s like a back-and-forth.
They’re trying to one-up each other, and nobody gets anything out of the conversation no one’s listening they’re just focusing on basically you know what measuring, but when you listen to the person talk about their ambitions and their skills. You genuinely ask them pressing questions about what their motivation was behind this what they think they got out of it, etc. And you practice being genuinely curious not only would that person appreciate the fact that you’re asking genuine questions and that you’re listening, but they also are way more likely to ask you actual questions about yourself. You can generate pretty close friends very quickly.
So, next time you dive into a conversation with somebody new, genuinely try to be an investigator in what is going on in their life what is making them tick and try to get to know them and listen.
2. Make Them Feel Valued
Now before I dive into this tip, I want to say something a lot of people think that this book “How To Win Friends And Influence People” and these tips that I’m giving and the tips that are available in the book that they’re somehow manipulative. I don’t see that as accurate, they’re only manipulative.
If you use them to manipulate somebody giving somebody a genuine compliment or even if you make it a habit to give someone an honest compliment only does well-putting, somebody, in a good mood by complimenting their appearance a personality trait or something that you genuinely find good about them often makes their day. They walk around the office or town or whatever they’re doing with a kind of swagger. In their step, all because you complimented on something that you noticed that you liked about them.
One of the most significant ways you can make people feel valued is to use their name and use it liberally. That makes me feel great when people use my name, especially if they don’t know me very well or if I just met them maybe one time. They remembered my name that makes my day like it makes me feel valued; it makes me feel like they remembered our conversation even though they probably didn’t by using somebody’s name.
It makes people feel like you have a connection just instantly. The second way to make people feel valued is to give genuine compliments once you start practising empathy and start practising seeing things from another person’s perspective like the book is all about then you get good at noticing things that stand out from person to person and once you get in the habit of vocalizing those things you’ll become somebody who people gravitate towards and people just really like being around once you start to become an investigator in people you can begin to psychoanalyze people and compliment them on their actual personality.
Complimenting someone’s personality is often way more powerful than just complimenting something that’s hanging off their body a necklace or that sounded like there’s a weird telling somebody that they’re an excellent listener. I appreciate it is a lot more powerful than saying I like your shirt.