Life

The Bonds That Bind Us

If you really cared about me then you will do this

Human beings are naturally social. From birth we yearn to connect with others. Starting from our bonds with family, relatives, friends, and partners we make meaning, and get comfort, and develop a sense of belonging in this vast universe. Yet, all too often the very means that should unite us divide us instead.

In self-centeredness, insecurity, misunderstanding, and misinterpretation we hurt those closest to us more than anything else. Actually, those we need. Misunderstandings mutate into bitterness then it changes over time to emotional manipulation that builds across generations.

But as we all know, nothing is permanent, or at least cannot be fixed. We can break free from this negative cycle by acknowledging the humanity in those around us, or in us as well. That colleague who irritates you; a spouse who never seems to put your needs first; or a friend who takes much more than they give are just imperfect people like you and me of course. They are trying to find their way through life. This doesn’t make their malfeasance acceptable, or valid, but I am confident that it is going to be the beginning of understanding that might lead to a real reconciliation.

Let me give an example here, think about one parent who constantly guilts their grown child. Apparently, this may seem as though it is just a way for this person to control, seek respect, get attention and obedience. However, if you investigate deeper into the situation you may discover an anxious soul, and very terrified parent of losing their former role (Being a parent), of losing their own little child as they perceive us forever. Although misguided, these manipulative behaviors (guilting the children for example) come from the parent’s fear of losing connection with the child.

Unfortunately, this fear is contagious and for sure will be transferred to the child and grow in him as he grows up and moves on with his life. When I allow for some empathy for the distress inside the parent does not justify what they have done to emotionally burden the child, but it helps understand why such situations occur.

Now, here is the problem. When emotional manipulation first episode begins. Disguised as love, some forms of manipulation become insidious over time. Have you ever heard this “If you really cared about me then you will do this”? well, I did! It is one of the oldest tricks in any familial relationship book where one party convinces another to put aside his/her own needs so as to fulfill some wants of theirs’. Basically however, there is an element of non-acceptance –it’s like saying unless your feelings conform completely, I am going reject them anyway; that is, for the other to be valid, one has to surrender completely.

Authentic love means respecting boundaries not eliminating them.

The healthiest relationships occur between two whole individuals standing on their own while choosing to unite as one. Two becoming one works well in wedding vows but actually a person must maintain his/her own identity and independence. It is only then that we can freely donate ourselves without any expectation but with a real desire to make sure the other person grows richer through our actions instead of being impoverished by them.

No relationship is perfect or person without any faults. We are all unfinished products, always learning, making mistakes and hopefully becoming wiser through those failures. The next time you feel inclined to manipulate a loved one for your own satisfaction, pause and look at the bigger picture. What do you stand to gain and how much is the relationship worth? More often than not, openness and honesty will work out better for us than deceit or coercion.

To truly thrive, relationships require nurturing through empathy, compassion and respect of each other’s independence. It is a lifelong process of understanding each other in mutual respect while embracing weaknesses in all parties.

Author’s Note

Thank you for reading my story. Here is some information about my background. 🙏Consider sharing and participating in the conversation if this content speaks to you. For any queries, collaborations, or comments, reach out to me at [email protected]. Thank you for supporting my work!