The Blockhead

[This is not for the casual Gutbloom fan. This is the off-season long dreck. The previous chapters may be found here. I don’t think this will make any sense if you haven’t read what comes before.]

“It’s November and we haven’t even started,” said Mole.

A charge of exasperation and disgust ran throughout the rest of the party, for the other animals, plus the wizard, had been waiting at least an additional twenty minutes for Mole himself.

“You’re lucky I used all my ammo shooting trees, or I would shoot you in the foot for that,” said the Wizard.

Another wave of disgust ran through the party.

“How incredibly hostile,” said Mole. “That’s so fucked up. Why would you say something like that?”

“I’m sorry,” said the Wizard, stuffing his nickel-plated .45 back into the waistband of his stretchy pants, “guns make me crazy. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

Mole made a wide-eyed wagging motion with his head, which was intended to indicate something along the lines of “well, I guess” but because Mole’s eyes were so small, none of his exaggerated facial expressions could be read by anyone other than Badger, so it looked like Mole was just shaking his head silently.

“Well, let’s get going,” said Rabbit, “I want to fuck, or eat, or shit, or smoke drugs or something. I can’t stand here for another minute.”

“Only a calm duck can sit in a still pond,” said Shash.

“Oh, fuck off!” shouted Randy, and with that he began walking along the path.

Now it has been a while since we have been together, dear Reader, and in the beginning pages of this… work… I had every intention of addressing you directly. An early comment made me rethink that strategy, but the new year brings old habits, so I won’t be shy about talking to you… and I do mean “you” because the audience for the long dreck is almost singular. If you are reading this you are a member of an elite audience.

There were, by my count, five creatures plus the Wizard making their way to the war reenactment. They were: Shash, the bear; Randy Rabbit, Badger, Mole, and Sterling Macy, a young man following faeries who had been transformed into a skunk by smoking pot.

They were on their way to Sakonnet, a “town” or “village” that served as the muster spot for war re-enactments. The five creatures were weighed down by heavy packs, in contrast to the Wizard who carried nothing. For the most part they walked silently, except Badger, who talked constantly on his cell phone.

If this were a movie, we would inflict a helicopter shot here, showing the party moving through the woods and along complicated ridge lines as they crossed the Monadnock Mountains. At one point they had to stop. The Wizard declared;

“There is a malevolent force that prevents us from climbing the mountain.”

Badger took his cell phone away from his ear long enough to wonder out loud, “the dragon?”

“No,” said the Wizard, “Laziness.”

And with that they all fell out, made camp and smoked joints while waiting for Mole to cook something to eat. Being animals, they had no trouble finding snug places to sleep. Sterling quite enjoyed sleeping outside as a skunk.

Once over the mountains, while still in the hills before the plains and marshes that surrounded Sakonnet, they came across a blockhead, or golem.

The blockhead was made of stone and had the shape of a Rock’em Sock’em Robot. Square limbed and human-shaped, it had been sitting on a rock, but as the party drew closer it stood up and blocked the path.

“I had forgotten about this,” said Badger, closing his phone. “The cub might not get in.”

“Motherfucker,” said Randy turning to Sterling. “You’re going to have to answer the golem’s question, and if you fuck them up, you won’t get it.” The rabbit turned to Shash.

“Shash,” he said, “Tell the kid the answers.”

“He has to answer them himself, Randy.” Said Shash. “You know that.”

“Well,” said the rabbit, “Do your best. How stoned are you?”

“Pretty stoned,” said Sterling.

“Good,” said Randy.

Sterling stepped forward towards the blockhead, which stood a good eighteen feet tall and straddled the path like the Colossus of Rhodes in a gesture known as “golem spreading”.

The blockhead looked down at Sterling. Its eyes were yellow and illuminated from within. When it spoke, its square mouth open and closed with comic automation, but the words that came of the mouth in a deep, gravelly, overtone were precise and easy to understand.

“The Black Goose has instructed me to only allow wild creatures into Sakonnet. Are you a wild creature?”

“I’m…” Sterling hesitated. He was stoned enough that he could not remember what the animals called him. He struggled to locate the word. It came to him in a flash.

“An American!” He said with excitement, “I’m what you call an American.”

There was an audible groan from the creatures behind him. He could hear Randy saying “Why the fuck would you SAY that?” followed by Badger saying, “This is going to take forever.”

Badger stepped forward towards the golem. He looked at the Wizard and asked, “Can you be of any help here?” The Wizard stood in his white tee shirt with his burley arms folded like a union roadie. The expression on his face was blank. He shook his bearded head “no.”

“Emet Talos,” said Badger, for that was the golem’s name, “The cub is unaware of his wild status. We have spent a good amount of time wilding him. He is transitioned.”

“Is he a shaman?” asked the blockhead.

“No,” said Badger.

“Is he a child of Enkidu or not?”

“He is un-Enkidized,” said Badger, “And will happily submit to a trial by ordeal.”

The lights in the golem’s eyes grew brighter. Its square mouth opened up in a large rectangle. A giant laugh erupted.

“HA, HA, HA.” It bellowed. “Trial by ordeal! Trial by ordeal! I LOVE TRIAL BY ORDEAL.”

The great rock creature turned around, still laughing. It bent its legs and squatted down, so that when Sterling looked up he could see a round hole bored out of the monster’s humungous square ass.

The others ran backwards, retreating some thirty or forty feet from the clearing where the golem stood.

Sterling was terrified, and thought he was about to be shit on. The shame of answering the first question incorrectly made him stay where he was.

“Get a load of this,” the blockhead yelled. There was a giant crack, like the sound like a plank snapping. Then from the hole in creature’s butt there issued a tremendous blast of smokey gas. A explosion of air that knocked Sterling over and sent him rolling across the ground. The air was so hot that it stung Sterlings eyes and singed his hair. Choking and in pain, he immediately sprayed. The discomfort of the blast he had suffered was slightly mitigated by the explosion of his own innards.

Above him, the golem was laughing its syncopated laugh.

“HA, HA, HA.” It laughed, “You beefed too!”

“Now,” It said, bending over to put its giant head directly above Sterling’s prone body. “What do you smell?”

Sterling was too stunned to answer.

“What do you smell?” The golem asked again, a question more of genuine wonder than demand.

“I smell burnt coffee,” said Sterling.

“What else?” asked the golem.

“I smell my own scent.”

“What else?” the golem asked again.

Sterling took a long draft of air through his nose. There was so much smell! Almost all of it was coffee and himself, but then he thought he detected something else. There was a hint of another smell. He tried to focus on it, breathe it in more. It was there, but he couldn’t name it.

“What else!” came the command.

Sterling figured he had to hazard a guess. He wasn’t at all sure, but he tried to name the smell.

“…. cattails?” he said.

“HA.HA.HA.” the golem laughed, “That’s what I had for lunch!” It stood up to its normal height and addressed the rest of the party.

“The cub is wild, you all may pass.”

Then it went back to its rock and sat down. As soon as it did, the lights went out in its eyes and it looked like a statue.

The other animals came forward, with tears in their eyes and holding their hands over their noses.

“Thank the duck it didn’t shit on you,” said Randy, “I don’t know who would have been willing to help you clean up.”

And with that the party made its way into the flatlands and marshes surrounding the town. They could see the lights of Sakonnet far up ahead. Sterling could smell nothing but coffee.